Gangleader's Lost

3- LIFE

                  Chapter 3- Life

                *severely unedited*

YOU KNOW THAT feeling you get when you've cried the hardest that you ever possibly thought you could, and your just sitting there in open space wondering why you? Wishing you could be anyone, but who you are,in that moment, and your heads throbbing and the pain lingering in your chest and the tears are still begging to be poured out of your eyes, and you let them.
You let them until those tears consume you.
And if you ever heard the phrase
“we are born to die,” I think you should know, that I do in fact think we are born to live, and a part of living is dying.

So I ask you to remember when all we even wanted was to grow up. We use to play pretend house, then we start living it. But we never played life. We never pretended to be in a horrible world were everything wasn't sunshine and rainbows. We never acted out the rainstorms and thunderbolts. We were so caught up in the lie that everything will forever be okay, that we didn't even know it isn't even a such thing as a forever.

We wanted nothing more than to play in the rain and splash in the mud, but they never kept us out long enough to experience the storm, to see the clouds swallow the sun, to feel the ground shake through our side walk we use to use chalk on. So innocent yet, already so set up to be ruined. Never grow up, enjoy being young when you can because there's no going back there's only one way to go and that's forward, further and further to our denouement. To sum it up, Life's a bitch waiting to bite you in your ass as soon as you turn your back. Nothing is secure or certain there's only luck and time. Only time will tell, and only luck will be in your favor.

Your probably wondering why I'm acting so morbid but I guess cancer does that to a person. And you don't have to have cancer to be depressed or angry about it because in a internal type of way it's side effects are contagious once someone you love has it, it's like your going through it to, but then again it's really not because no one's as strong as cancer patients. No one.

I look over at my dad and he's sitting there in his navy blue love seat chair looking out the window.  There's times like this I wish I knew what he was feeling. I wish I knew if he was in pain.  He lost 12 pounds last month and I can tell exactly were at, he doesn't even look like himself. All he ever wanted to do was help people and he won't even help his self. 

I want to yell at him,  and call him a hypocrite,  force him to get the treatment done even if that meant duck tapping him to a hospital bed, I would. But every time I  open my mouth to scream nothing comes out. And that's when the tears start all over again.

So I do the right thing. I go over to him and hug his unmoving body and kiss his check and tell him about my day like I've been doing everyday since he got diagnosed.

The doctors claim he'll come around soon enough and that they can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to.  So there just going to wait until he relapse again or something.  I breathe deeply at the unbearable thought, the though that can kill. 

I ask him if he needs anything and when he doesn't say anything I linger for a while before he dismisses me saying he's not a young child and I leave. I go across the hall into my room but purposely  leave the door open. I remove my buzzing phone from my pocket to see 10 unread messages.

2 of them are from my favorite friend Bethany. I met her around the same time as I did Fletcher seeing as how they already knew each other before they met me. 
BETHANY
(1) Fletch told me u bailed on him, u OK?
1 hr later
(2) so I'm guessing daddy has u on lock down :D sad,  text me when Ur free.

I decide after a short internal struggle not to take offense to her tone of text seeing as how she doesn't no about my father's medical health. No one does really.  I swirl down to see 5 text from my mother.

MOM
(1) hey love, how is your father?
(2) is everything alr down there?
1 missed call from MOM
2 missed calls from MOM
(3) ANSWER my calls right now young lady.
(4) JINX I'M WILL CALL THE POLICE!?!!!
(5) You are so dead, JINX PRIM JAXTON

I sigh swirling down again ignoring her texts to see the rest belong to Fletcher.

BOYFRIEND
(1) You know what JINX Im sick of your sh%t, you never want to come over to my place, you ignore my love and affection it's like you don't give a
fu$k.
1 hr later
(2) I'm sorry babe I've just been really stressed with work.

JUST NOW
(3) STOP reading my text and not answering I said sorry,  now call me.

I run my hand down my face when I see his incoming call, and I pick up the phone with a frown, when I hear music in the background.
  “Babe why you been ignoring our texts?” I hear Fletcher ask. My face goes blank and my frown deepens “Our?” I find myself asking confused.

Fletcher coughs, and his voice washes in with the music. 
“Yeah me and Bethany's,” he says and before I know it I hear Bethany's loud voice saying, "What about me?"  Fletcher hushes her but I ignore it.

“Oh look I have to go I'm really busy r-”
“Your always busy, Jinx. You never have time for me anymore.” I hear Bethany laughing in the background and then muffled voices then more laughter from the both of them. “Where are you?” I ask feeling annoyed.

His laughter stops and I can hear the music getting quite as I imagine he walks out of wherever he is.  “Nowhere important, why what's up?” Dread fills my chest and I shake my head forgetting he's not here.
"No reason,  look I have to go, "  I inform him again. 

The static returns and before I know it he speaks "Fine." He then hangs up and the beep of our disconnection rings in my ear as it feels like a part of me gets torn to the other side. The side where he is.

Here's a secret: I'm not in love with Fletcher.
Here's a truth: I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid that everyone  I love eventually leaves so I've decided to no longer do it. To no longer love, and I guess that's life.