how to save a life || irwin

preface

Love of mine,

Someday you will die, but I'll be close behind. I'll follow you into the dark. No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white. Just our hands clasped so tight waiting for a hint of a spark. 

If Heaven and Hell decide that they are both satisfied, illuminate the "no's" on their vacancy signs, if there is no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark.

-Ashton

"NO!" I scream, tears stinging my eyes and leaving splotches on the letter I had just written, "NO NO NO NO!" A giant clump forms in my throat. It struggles for freedom in my throat but I hold it back and just silently cry. 

Not knowing what I am doing, I rip my glasses off my tear soaked face and throw the against the wall that sits in front of my desk. I hear a shatter as they come in contact with my bedroom wall, but at the moment, just like I have felt for years, I just do not give a shit.

I grab a pair of scissors from one of the drawers under my desk and cut off the ten rubber wrist bands on my wrists. I am tired of hiding behind a smile. I am tired of lying to myself. I am tired of life. 

The cuts and scars on my wrists are highly noticeable. I live alone so I have all the space I need in this small house. I start hitting my forehead to try to knock my brain into reality.

"Stop crying...

Stop crying...

Stop crying..."

I just can't. This "future" letter I am writing to my "future" loved one that will probably never come into my life just triggered me. I wipe my tears and continue to tell myself to stop crying.

That's it.

I pull out a small blade I use for cutting out of my drawer. Without hesitation, I take the blade and make you slow, deep cut into my left wrist. The blood automatically rushes to the surface of my skin and my veins start burning.

Please. Please just end it all.

_____________________________________________________

coming soon