That night I dreamt of the used to be me person and the dreadful story of my life. Which will threaten my for the rest of my life completely;
There I am sitting in the middle of a History class wondering about how Henry Vlll had so many wives, it's impossible. Andrew, the boy next to me began to ask me questions. Why me over anyone else? Why me out of the whole class? Just the one simple question took me all the way where I was 2 years ago. Not being able to attend school because of my anxiety.
I am Elise. I am 12 years old and I have a very severe case of anxiety, it all started when I was only 6 years old so around about half of my life. People just say that they have 'anxiety' and 'oh I literally just had a panic attack'. But do they really know what I have to go through 24/7. Well here we go.
In mid year of about 2008 I was medically diagnosed with anxiety, I am not bragging or showing off that's what people think anyway, you really don't need to brag about it. I can't live my live to the best limits because the fear of hate or panic of something tiny one of the 1000 little things that happens in your day can take me into a major attack, panic and fear. My arms and legs get clammy and I begin to sweat, I know gross but oh well. My hands, well actually my whole body shakes repeatedly and it's impossible to stop. I have loads more but no ones probably interested in all of that. But my life the way I get through it.
A trigger such as a tap on the back or a little note in class can burst me into a huge lump of fear. All I do it's freeze and don't know what to do. The piles of fiddle bracelets pile up to halfway up my arm, they never really help.
The year of 2013 was the worst year of my life I couldn't leave the house without my parents shoving me out the door. Only to go the doctors , they always thought I had more that just a severe case of anxiety. And they were right I was they diagnosed with depression and agoraphobia. They all took over my life. Trips back and forth to the doctors my parents thinking there was nothing to fix me and make me normal like I was 5 years ago. That was something I have to live with but doctors always told me there was always a solution for something of it.
On the 14th November 2013 I had my first psychotherapy. And what you are all thinking how could you possibly have that treatment for anxiety. I was thinking the exact thing but it's true it's very much possible. It's also ' talk therapy' where I express my feelings and my emotions but only to my doctor, Tracey she is the only one I trust at the the surgery. She is the only one I can talk truly to and she understands how I'm feeling inside.
Every week for about 3 years I attended ' talk therapy' with Tracy and I felt my confidence rising slightly and I felt myself beginning to be a lot happier.
I was homeschooled by my dad and I was feeling a lot more better in myself I also attended a social group with my parents I personally hated it but my parents thought it was good for me to interact with others. I did it, I did it for the one reason of making my parents happy.
On the 27th April 2016 my doctor and parents came to an agreement that I should do a couple of hours a week to get back in the habit of school and to see how my anxiety goes towards the kids at Green Hall Stead.
So that's day I pulled on my new uniform, the old one obviously didn't fit anymore. On the outside I tried to be strong but inside I was weak and filled with worry and fear. I was only doing an hour of school but it felt I was going back full time.
My nanny, Ruth, she isn't my actual Nan she looks after me when my parents are working took me into the dreaded place and signed me all back in. I had an English class I couldn't remember a single person all I was worrying about was that no one would like me, I'm such a baby, why am I here. Thought by thought filled my head as they kept approaching they they never left. Every one still permanently glued to the outsides of my mind.
The leading up to this day was a lot of hard work but none of it had payed off, I was still the girl I was 6 years ago.
Perching on the side of the seat, fiddling and twisting my bracelets, I sat anxiously. In an instant I was off my chair in a massive heap on the floor. The face of the nasty thing I remembered but I didn't look hard enough to know for sure the real suspect.
I know I shouldn't of came in.
Rushing out of the classroom and sprinting out of view into the closest place which was the girls toilets.
I sat shivering and in the same bubble I was in before this time it will never be reopened again. EliseX
