The Suicide Journal

Battle Scars

I've been on the road for a week, yesterday I made it to the worlds largest ball of twine. Cawker, Kansas. It's not as impressive as one would expect. It only led me to wonder why someone would waste their life making something like that.

I guess maybe they were looking for a little reason. A reason to stay, no matter how small, has the power to make someone hold on.

I've run out of little reasons, or at least I will when I reach the end of my journey.

My phone rings, snapping me out of my thoughts. I quickly look at it, Ethan, again.

He hasn't stopped calling, and I haven't stopped ignoring him. I do read the voicemails and texts though. They all contain the same lies. The lies anyone will tell, just to save a life.

But he needs to know that my life can't be saved, I've made up my mind. I can't stop now, not when I finally have the courage. Not like there is anything to save anyhow, I've been dead for a long time.

Mom and Dad call at least once a day, they are beside themselves. Or at least that's the vibe I get from their messages, I haven't answered them either.

Mom and Dad are the ones who kept me here, if it wasn't for them I would have been long gone. I just couldn't handle how they would react. How broken they would become.

So I stayed for them, hoping beyond hope, that it would get better. It never did. But I can't take it anymore.

My decision might be selfish, so be it. I don't care anymore, I am so beyond caring. It's my chance to be a little selfish for once. All I ever do is worry about other people and then there isn't anything left for me.

I'm left broken, empty, and beyond repair. So yes I'm going to be selfish, just this once.

My only wish is that they will be able to hold on, that they will get through this. It's the only thing I can cling to, the hope that I won't destroy there life anymore than I already have.

Because I'm the problem I always have been.

I look at the clock to notice that it's suddenly midnight. Finding the nearest gas station I pull in the lot.

I'm not quite ready for sleep yet so I pull out the comp book I'm using for a journal.

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Hey Dad, Hey Mom,

So I don't know when this will be found, or when you will be able to bring yourself to read this, but I love you.

And if you haven't planned the funeral yet, don't do anything fancy. I know you guys can't afford it. I don't need anything special, I'm already gone.

But more importantly, don't blame yourselves. Some people just don't belong in this world. I'm one of them, I've never found a place here.

I had thought that maybe I would, with the baby. But things don't always happen how we hope.

But you probably already know that, because you never could of hoped that I would turn out like I did.

I'm sorry I disappointed you. I'm sorry for everything. I'm not the daughter you deserve.

I was thinking, I know Ethan's grown, but he's never really had a real family.

Replace me with him, he deserves it, you guys deserve it. You deserve a kid like him.

Just remember, I love you, I love both of you.

Your Disappointment,
                Forever

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Okay, so uhm this chapter made me cry. It was emotionally taxing to write. I know not a lot happened but I think it sends a strong message of how Forever feels.

Which is a good thing. The problem with depression and suicidal thoughts, unless you have it, you don't understand it, and how it can make a person feel and think.

So I'm hoping this chapter will give you some insight.

Just remember how terribly awful someone has to feel to even consider suicide.

Take people seriously if they trust you enough to tell you. Chances are they told you so you can help them. It's their last ditch effort to be saved.

Anyway so that's my message for this chapter. Remember if you need to talk. I'm here, I'm always here.

So up top, who listens to the songs?

If you didn't listen to this one, go back and listen to it.

If you listened to it while reading go back and listen to it again, watch the video.

I spent hours looking for the right song. So go and listen to it. The songs are the absolute hardest part of writing this book.

Well that's all the time we have for today folks! See you next time!

Paige 🙂🙃🙂 ;