I wake up, or at least I think I do. My mind is fuzzy and I'm still not entirely convinced that any of this is real. But the pain is. I stand up from my bed, and my mind immediately begins racing, screaming at what I need to do. I sigh and grab my phone, barely able to throw clothes on as I walk into the kitchen. I check my phone as I'm making coffee, seeing a message from my girlfriend.
E: I don't think I want this anymore. I can't deal with your depression, it always brings me down and honestly you're just a lost cause. Don't try convincing me to stay, because you'll just make things worse.
I feel my heart drop in my chest as tears prick my eyes.
What'd we tell you? It's always your fault. She's lucky she left when she did, although she should have left sooner.
"Please, stop..I can't talk, it hurts.."
you know how to make us stop. you're pathetic.
I knew what they meant, but I can't bring myself to move. Everything hurts so bad..I type back a message.
M: Fine by me. Enjoy a happy life.
I stalk towards my room and lay on my bed, and begin to sob. They're right. They've always been right. Nobody loves me, and if I ever did let myself fall for someone, it would be pointless because it was always one way. They never loved me truly, it was always a "Friend love". I'd try to convince myself otherwise, but it never mattered anyway. The outcome is always the same. I fall for someone, I give them a little trust, and I get thrown back down again. My chest aches and I realize I haven't been breathing, but it's okay. Maybe playing tag with death isn't so bad. My vision fades to black and I'm thrown into unconsciousness.
~
I wake up, disappointed that the lack of air didn't kill me. My chest still hurt, but it stung mostly from stress on it. I turn onto my side, staring out the window. Rain softly hits the window, and it looks to be about 2:30 in the afternoon. (I never leave the house, so I've learned how to tell time just by the lighting.) I sigh and sit up, moving to open the window and crawl onto the roof. I lean against the house and just listen to the rain. It begins to pour but I make no attempt in going in. The cold feels good. I look across the street to see a moving truck and sigh. New neighbors.
I continue sitting on the roof until I feel the thunder. I feel my mouth pull into a smile as I lay my head against the house and feel the wind send rain onto my face. It feels like needles, but the pain is welcomed. Lightening crashes and the thunder shakes the house. I sigh and crawl back inside. I turn music on, trying to feel something. Anything other than empty pain. I go under the bed and pull my box out, knowing that my only medication isn't exactly legal. Packing a bowl, I close my windows and light some incense. I sit on my bed and blare my random playlist, not really caring for what song comes on. I lean against my wall and light the herbs, inhaling the smoke and holding it in for longer than what's needed.
