Slowly walking down the beach, I start to sing a quiet song, forgetting I'm in a public area. I feel as free as a fish, splashing through the currents, in and out of the deep waters, no fear of anything at all, completely alive and feeling as though nothing can stop me. Jumping, bouncing, hopping in and out of the surface as free as can be, so free that nothing can describe it.
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All those feelings were suddenly washed away, as fast as a wave washing over me. Facing reality again, I stop and sigh, wishing I could just be free forever with no limits. But no, of course that could never come true, as hard as life is already, it just decides to make things even worse. Unfortunately, that small thing called eternal happiness will never exist, as even flowers wilt away. Trying to get back to my dream-like state, I furrow my brows but nothing comes out of it. Deciding to sit down in my usual spot- just a little climb along the edge of a large, jagged rock- I sit down in a spot no one else can see me from the beach. Staring out to sea, I want to be free again, so I take out my iPad and plug my headphones in and put on a song. I start to sing. Secretly hoping that someone or something will hear my cries and save me.
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After all the sores from my heart have been sung out, I start to leave, walking the way back to my house. The journey isn't too long, just further up the beach and then up the sand dunes and there you are. My home. The place I love and hate. Slowly, I walk up to the back door and crack it open. Cooked onions wafting through the air, I find my Dad fussing about something or another (no one can ever tell what it is as he just mumbles about it) and my Mum cooking one of her healthy meals again, which I think taste great so I'm not complaining but it isn't doing anything about her oversized body shape. Slowly creeping to the back staircase, I check to make sure no one knows I'm back yet. Once I meet the bottom of the first flight, I sprint up the stairs and up the sun room. Glass walls everywhere, even the roof, I bathe in the sun, and bend down to pat my little children. Sprawling on the floor, I let my little bunnies crawl all over me, Fufu climbing on my shoulder and Kuku crawling on my stomach, I start laughing to death from the ticklish feeling. We lay there for a while, enjoying the moment to the best we can before I slowly stand up, motioning the two little fluff balls to scurry away so i don't crush them. I stare out to sea, wishing to be back down on the beach, even though it was still cold out.
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I hear my parents calling me down for dinner, repeating what we are having to eat. Reluctantly, I walk out the door, careful not to crush my babies and close the door. Leaping down the stairs, I greet my parents with a fake smile, grab a plate and lay out my dinner and sit down at the bleached wooden dining table. They soon sit down after me and start eating.
"How was school today Yuki?" my Mum asked.
"Good." I reply with another fake smile. The two of them haven't realised that all my smiles aren't genuine yet, they believe every word I say and never question me for a second as I have always been the one to tell them the truth, unlike my older sister who has now moved out of home. I really loved my sister, she was more like another Mum than a sister as we have a 10 year age gap. Since she moved out, I haven't exactly been the same, Eren would always smile and comfort me but now she is gone, I just cry myself to sleep, having no one to assure me that everything is alright anymore. My little fluff balls are always there to listen and be my little guardians but they are only young and I am more like a mother to them and I comfort them instead. At least I am not completely alone, I don't know what I would do without them.
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After finishing my meal in silence, I excuse myself from the table and put my plate in the dirty sink.
"Are you going back up to the sun room again? You didn't come out of there all afternoon after coming back from school, you should at least go outside or something." my Dad mumbled with him still chewing on a bit of food.
"It's late though and I need to do homework." I retorted. It wasn't completely false, I needed to do homework, it just won't actually get done.
"You have a point there, well just make sure to have a shower soon and get ready for bed." he said after finally finishing his mouthful of food. I nod in response, walking out of the room and to the stairs.
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About an hour later, after reading some sappy romance manga and listening to some song covers, while patting my bunnies and watching them run around on the soft carpet every now and then while the sun sets. I finally head down the stairs to the bathroom as the only room on the second floor is the sun room, so you can see in all directions, which was my idea. Quickly taking a shower, while humming the same song from before, I notice a little aqua star shaped thing on my right pinky finger nail. After staring at it for a while, as if it was hypnotising me, I try to scrub it off but it was no use so i left it and decided to search it up on the internet later.
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Finding the internet useless to learn anything about the thing on my nail, I decided to to monitor it and if it gets any worse, I will do something- I haven't thought about yet-. While tidying up the mess Fufu and Kuku made, I hear my Dad say to go to sleep.
"OKAYYY!!" I shout back. There is a double bed in the sun room, which I usually sleep in, instead of my actually bedroom. I hopped into the fluffy sheets, clicking the small lamp off and saying goodnight to my buns while they hop up onto the bed as well. As I start to drift off into slumber, I stare at the stars and say goodnight to my previous bunny who died. While staring, I see a bright light flash over a corner of the sky.
"Ahh... A shooting star... A sign... Thank you... Lily... heard my goodnight..." I whisper as I slip away into sleep.
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Running.... Running... Wait why am I running? Inside a shape that looks exactly like the aqua one on my pinky nail, I keep running. I can't stop. I won't stop. I'll never stop. Never.
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My sister Eren stands there with a smile on one of the five points of the star.
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Kuku and Fufu sit nibbling on the greenest grass I have ever seen on another point of the star.
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Mum and Dad stand, hand in hand, something I thought I would never see on another point.
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My friends from school stand on another point. Same faces as always.
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Lily... She's there.... Just pleading for something. Something I can't give her...
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Heart fluttering, mind racing, breath going wild I keep running but it is taking me nowhere, no matter where I turn, I stay in the one spot. I want to hold all of them so close so they can never slip away. Never. My vision turns blurry and I feel the warm liquid dripping down my face and onto the floor. It starts to fill up the whole room.
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Rising. Rising. Rising.
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Ankles. Knees. Waist. Chest. Neck. Head.
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No one is the room can breathe anymore.
Everyone stays glued to the ground.
I float.
I leave them all.
I rise and rise.
With my tears.
My tears are washing everything I love away.
.
But.
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This is what I wanted, wasn't it?
To be free.
Have no worries.
Nothing to care about.
No commitments.
Swim freely without anything holding me back.
To let my tears lose anytime I want to.
This is everything I ever wanted.
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But why?
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It's not right.
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But there is no stopping the tide~
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My eyes fluttering open, heart beating fast. Gasping for air, I find none.
