No ideas.
This is like a painful slow death. Feels like my heart is being ripped up and imploded and blown up and chewed on at the same time.
It feels like someone grabbed my heart and squeezed until blood came out.
Feels embarrassing. Can’t get over that. It feels so embarrassing.
It used to be fun. So much fun, so much joy. But all it’s brought, is loathing. Self and external. Can never amount to anything. Will never do much. Will never change the world.
It’s back. It’s winning. I thought I had beaten it, but it’s back. It will always come back. I’ll never run from it. It’ll never go away. No matter how much I make a mockery of it, no matter how far I go to ruin it, it will always run back at me.
Always put other’s happiness ahead of mine. Thought it was being good, being kind. Thought it could change just the 0.00001%. But it couldn’t. Spent so long helping others. Should’ve helped myself.
This will go. Know it will. I’ll think I’ve beaten it. I think I’ll have run it back into the ground. I think I’ll have beheaded it.
I won’t know the truth until the truth is nothing but a hindrance.
