Dear Joe Smoe,
What I am writing to you pertains to a certain matter of upmost importance. What you are about to read is an urgent request. Let me start at the beginning. I believe you will find my tale quite stunning. It was nine in the morning. As you would expect, the day started out pretty I sat at the pier enjoying the warm summer breeze and inhaling the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. As I was observing the pedestrians wandering to and froe, I noticed an officer of the law staring me down. With a shiny steel and stark blue uniform, he was undoubtedly from the 42 precinct down on Adams Ave. "Stay right where you are and put your hands where I can see them." He said resolutely. Knowing my innocence, I casually ignored him, thinking he must be talking to someone else. He then proceeded to approach me and it soon became obvious who he was talking to. "Perhaps you did not hear me, sir." He started. I looked up at him. "What was that, officer?" I asked politely. "Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way." The officer continued. I was confused at the time "What do you mean?"
"John Doe, I am placing you under arrest." He said authority as he gently hoisted me up by the arm. I instinctively pulled away. "What for?"
"Grand theft larceny." Before I could fully grasp the situation, I was quickly cuffed and thrown into the backseat while he told me my rights. "There must be some mistake here." I insisted. "Let's see five bottles of vodka and $500. Are any bells ringing yet?" I remained silent for the rest of the ride. I was taken through processing and past a sign saying "No weapons beyond this point." I had never been inside a prison cell before. Now it looked like I was about to get the full experience. Two other prisoners stood on both sides of me. Both of them smelled strongly of stale liquor. The officer who arrested me left, then came back shortly with a stack of paper. He began asking me questions. "Where do you work, John?" "I am frictionally unemployed." I told him. "Listen, you are holding an innocent man." I informed.
I'll have you now that two witnesses saw you running out of George's Grocery with a large burlap bag at 7:30 last night. We found an empty burlap bag earlier this morning. We got the man. Now all we need is the money."
"This is crazy." I protested. "I was at my apartment at 8:30 last night."
"Really, where?" He asked with genuine interest.
"Apartment 201 on Jefferson's Street." I answered.
"Can you support that statement?"
"Yes, my sister was over for dinner. We were having spaghetti." I replied.
This must have gotten him interested because the next thing he asked for was a description.
"Her name is Giovanna. She is average height with somewhat olive colored skin, has short jet black hair, weighs somewhere around 125 pounds and always wears Denim."
"Hold on one minute." After he left, I could hear him quietly conversing with someone else. He returned a minute later with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but a woman who fits your description was declared missing 16 hours ago. She was last seen entering a dark alley and never heard from again. "That is really sketchy. I thought Without her I didn't think I would be able to clear my name. All my other relatives lived 50 miles away.
When noon came around, I was introduced to Huey Gaft – the man who I learned had supposedly help me hold up George's Grocery. Fortunately, he couldn't identify as his accomplice. "He sure looks like him, but he sure as ham don't smell like him. Officer, did you pick this man up by the seafood department because he smells rather fishy to me." Huey walked in a circle around the cell. "No, I don't know this guy." He finally concluded. I didn't care that he had just insulted my cologne. I was just relieved he didn't say I had helped him out. About two hours later, and to my pleasant surprise, Giovanni came waltzing in. She confirmed my innocence and I was released. The officer repeatedly apologized but I just told him to forget about it. I made sure he knew respected him and realized that all he was doing was arresting who he thought to be the culprit. I rushed outside feeling relieved and exhilarated by the afternoon wind blowing at my back. Giovanni asked me how I was doing. She wanted to know if I had been treated right. Of course, I said I was fine. Finally, she mentioned something about going out to the Longhorn for dinner. That's when it hit me. Giovanni has always been vegetarian for as long as I can remember which meant this girl must have been an imposter. She must have seen the look in my eyes: next thing I know, I am waking up in a dark dank warehouse. A beast of a man stood before me. He must have stood 6'2" and weighed 300 pounds. He told me with a cold voice and in the least assuring way that I would go free as soon as he got what he needed. After that, I was locked in a muggy room where I found he real Giovanni and another man named John Dough along with his daughter. I quickly learned that we are in a building right next to a farm, which makes for a real gas if you know what I mean. Indeed, you know what to do, but please tend to that family of yours first.
- John Doe
