The year of disaster

Thoughts

Think. Thought. Thinking.

Dream. Dreamt. Dreaming.

I always seemed to be wondering off about things. I have a keen sense of my memory, but my imagination would overpower that. It was as if my conscience didn't exist and I would do anything

I could do anything.

Sometimes my thoughts would take me on adventures to places beyond my knowledge. Other times, I would do the stupidest things ever.

I should have snapped out of my little day dream or thought or whatever it was that I was doing, but I didn't. Or maybe I couldn't or wouldn't.

So one day, I was on my school bus in the back where I usually sat. My female friends had already left as they were one of the first stops. Although there were sixth and fright graders in the front of the bus, it was just me, Darcyn and Leon in the back.

Let me give you a brief summary of darcyn.
He was a horny, perverted boy in my grade. He would watch porn in the bus and he'd actually shown me his private parts even though I said no. He's always acted like he wanted to.. do something to me. He was just such a ugly,annoying, F boy.

So, it was just us 3 basically. Darcyn and I were talking about something stupid. I don't know why though since we are not friends. "Antyways," darcyn started acting silly and before I knew it, he was on top of me. He was literally squishing down on the seat and the nasty floor. He was tickling me everywhere. Darcyn grabbed and touched my chest. I was obviously not enjoying this because I was saying stop, even though it was muffled- Darcyn was tickling me too much.
You would have thought we were just having fun, except that I wasn't- I was trying to push him off. I was laughing only because I was ticklish and I was also screaming. He was so fat and all of his weight was trapping me,making me feel as if I were a fish getting pulled out from the water and not being able to breath.

It was awful. I've never felt so vulnerable and incapable of defending myself in my life. It felt like hours had gone by but only minutes. It was so hot and I was getting sweaty from being under him. He eventually stopped but I still felt as if he as still on top of me, violating me.

The sickest part was that this little bastard of a bitch was laughing. He was so proud and was freaking hysterically laughing. What. The. Hell!

Leon never helped me or even attempted to get him off me even though he knew exactly what happened. And for that I stopped talking to him.

Darcyn and Leon got of at their stop and I got off at mine. Later, I took a walk to get my mind right. I decided to call Indya because she always had advice that was honest and helped me . However, she advised me to tell my parents and report Darcyn. I didn't because I was scared and I really can't explain why I didn't want to tell any adults. I was almost gonna walk to Darcyns house(he lived on the street next to mine) and make him feel the pain I did. But I realized that hurting him would not help, even though it took every last part of me not to walk to his house.
  Once I got home after a long tiring walk, I finished watching the Netflix series, 13 reasons why. If you don't know, it's about the 7 tapes a girl, Hannah baker, makes exposing the 13 reasons behind her suicide. It's a very good show and I felt like I could relate to Hannah. In the last episode, it shows when Hannah kills herself. I rewatched that part 10 times. That's right- it's not a typo- I watched it 10 freaking times.

After, I started crying. Hannah had gotten violated, raped and bullied. I hadn't been raped but I had been sexually assaulted. I was so miserable that night, just crying and thinking about doing some Hannah baker sh*t. Obviously I didn't because I'm here typing this story for you.

But I'd come to realize that everything that happened had started with my stupid thoughts. If I had thought carefully and hadn't been suggestively talking to Darcyn, maybe he wouldn't have done what he did. My thought were dangerous to me, my friends, and even others around me. My thoughts could create a domino effect and inflict terrible things.

I keep trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. But every time, i keep trying to blame myself. I was dressed properly, but maybe if I was quiet and hadn't talked to him, NOTHING would have happened to me.

No matter how hard I tried, things always seemed to keep happening to me. Maybe it was ONLY me .