step into the sun || c.m

chapter seventeen

Connor went through almost all of the rest of May without hearing from Cierra. After Cierra walked away, he sat on the beach through the rest of the night, beating himself up for kissing her, for doing it then, for not doing it sooner, not doing it later. Basically any reason you could imagine, Connor beat himself up for it. Eventually, when he saw the run rising again, he decided it was time to go home. He made his way to the parking lot, and saw that Cierra had in fact taken her jeep, leaving Connor basically stranded on the beach. He didn't have enough money for a taxi or an uber, so he ended up calling his sister, hoping to God she would do it. He was shocked when she did. 

"Zoe than-" He started when she pulled up to the curb Connor had been sitting at for hours upon hours. 

"Just get in the damn car Connor." She sighed, and he happily obliged. She didn't ask questions the entire ride home, and he wasn't mad about it at all. But he wished that Cierra had mentioned it. He didn't even get a text telling him he needed to somehow get a ride. His phone stayed completely silent for the rest of spring break, and basically for the rest of the month. After staying home for an extra week, laying in bed, not even feeling the need to get high, he decided it was time to go back to school. He went back, he walked those halls, he went to classes, he even payed attention just a little bit. There was nothing else preoccupying his mind. 

"How was your... extended spring break Connor?" Alana Beck was the first person to talk to him, and really the only aside from a couple of teachers. 

"It was..." He saw Alana brace herself for a snap, like he always gave her whenever she would say literally anything at all to him. "Not all that wonderful." He sighed, slouching back into his seat. She let out some air, seemingly relieved. 

"I'm very sorry to hear that." She turned around almost instantly after the statement left her lips. His life went on like that. He went to school every day, went to all of his classes, got a ride home from Zoe after her jazz band practice or took the bus home when he didn't want to hang around school, and repeat. Where the hell else would he go? Without Cierra, his life didn't seem to have a ton of a purpose. He didn't want to be breathing, because there was no one there that cared if he was breathing. 

Zoe would probably be relieved, now that Cierra wasn't here he found himself spending more time with her. She probably hated spending any time with Connor, most people would. She wouldn't have to put up with Connor anymore. She would finally get to live her life without having to even spare a thought for her burn out brother who was just a waste of space in the first place. 

His mother would most likely be sad for a while, but then realize her high maintenance son was no longer and she could eventually go on living her life without the constant nag in the back of her brain that she had a son that was probably getting high off his mind somewhere in the woods. His father... well his father probably hoped that Connor might accidentally off himself one day, and Connor would be lying to himself if he said he didn't sometimes hope the same thing. 

The days blended together, and he found himself waking up early even on weekends, because he had basically no conception of time. He didn't feel anything, he couldn't even say that he felt numb. So after the last day walking around the halls, pretending to be alive, he came home and he found himself opening his laptop, something that he hadn't done in a while. Maybe the last time he did so was to look up things for the spring break trip. He couldn't remember, nor did he care to remember. He didn't quite think about it, but he found himself typing the letters;

should i commit sui

Before he could type the rest of the word, he heard his phone ring. He thought of the people it could be. He had already blocked all of the people that usually called him to get high or intoxicated, so it wasn't any of them. His mother was doing yoga in the basement, so she wouldn't call him. Zoe was downstairs with a friend watching some television show Connor could only describe as cancerous. She would text him or even yell at him from downstairs if she needed him. He blocked his father years ago, so it wasn't him. He literally had no idea who in the hell would be calling him.