Tevun-Krus #43 - ClockPunk

#askmadmike

Some say that it's his fault Tigger's bottom is made out of springs and that he genuinely cannot tell the difference between his arsehole and his elbow...

All we know for certain, is that he's called MadMikeMarsbergen... 

It's a new name, but still the same old ball and chain—with the addition of a new advice column. Are you finicky about what kind of advice you get? Only trust the best, most-respected sources for your thoughts, feelings and opinions? Anal Advice is for you, friend. No relation to the kind of sex all the youngsters are having these days. 

Mad Mike's Anal Advice

This month's topic is: "Lubing Our Clocks."

We all do it, we all love it. Some of us do it twice a day, and doctors recommend you do it at least three times a week for ideal health. What am I talking about? Lubing our clocks, of course. It's a messy task, and it gets a bit repetitive, but it's worth it. Trust me.

Some of you might be saying, "But, MadMike, why don't I just get rid of my clock? I'm sick of lubing it. I lube it once a month. Isn't that enough?"

I'd tell you you're a fucking idiot, and that you're making a serious mistake. Your clock is your best friend. It'll be there for you when others are long forgotten. Treat it with respect. Use a good lube. Polish it and be gentle with it and it'll last forever. You'll even be able to give it to your kids when they grow up.

KY Jelly works alright. I know some people swear by it, but I find it gets dry too quickly, and there's nothing worse than having a go at your clock and finding you've got the Sahara desert on your hands. Personally I'm more of a Vaseline man—can't go wrong with a classic—though you should have plenty of soap and hot water available to get that grease off your hands when you're finished. Other lubes for your clocks that you can find around the house are butter, olive oil, semen, and good old-fashioned spit.

Someone came up to me one time and said, "Yo, MadMike, I'm a lazy guy. Can't I just pay some dude to do it for me?"

No. No. Never let another man lube your clock. You just don't do it.

Follow my advice and your clocks will keep on ticking. Even when you're not.

Mad Mike's Madder Mail

"Dear Mr Mad,

My "Clockatronic-Babe-2000" has broken down again. Do you know any good repair agents? Preferably one which won't judge me for the, uh, "add ons" I have installed."

—Cool Guy 420 Blaze-It

Sup, dawg. Need to bring the missus to a repair shop, eh? I've got a guy who specializes in cock-hungry clocksluts. Let me give him a ring and we'll see how much he thinks I can rip you off for.

...

Just got off the tick-a-phone. He says it'll cost $300 for the basic repair, an extra grand for the utmost stealth, and I'll be needing to dip into your retirement funds to get my own cut from our scam. Oh, and that gold watch you're wearing—toss it into the pile, too.