When you introduced yourself to me in last April.
I thought you were a really sweet and friendly.
When we talked for the next three days.
We were getting to know each other, and we like each other, but my thoughts were innocent at the time.
When you confessed you have a crush on me.
I was really touched and didnt know how to respond, I brush it off and act nonchalant.
When you didnt give up and sent me those beautiful poems in the early morning.
I was really moved and the walls I've built began cracking. I decided to give us a try.
When you texted me good morning and sent me cute messages after work.
The walls that cracked, crumbled down and my heart opened up to you and I fell for you.
When we had that misunderstanding during my training. I've ignored your pleading because I was occupied with my training, and didnt get a chance to clear out the misunderstanding. But you were upset, which made me upset.
Since that day, I've made a promise to myself not to ignore your text, and replied as soon as I could.
When you were busy with exams. I made sure you receive a good morning and good night messages from me, so you'll feel my support from this distance.
Those were the hardest time for me since I was also busy fixing my system, but you were always on my mind, so you are my priority, and I'd made time for you. And not receiving any text from you was hard. But I kept a positive mind because your exams are important.
When you were spending time with your friends before your summer break. I thought I shouldnt stop sending you a good morning and good night message, because I want you to know I always thought of you. Receiving texts from you was getting less.
One months passed since we've made it official. I asked a friend if I should celebrate our one month together. And she said I should since it was important. I wouldnt receive a text from you unless I greet you in the morning. But I was still keeping a positive mind.
When I asked what is the thing that you wanted the most. You said "Having you in my life is enough". I didnt know what to get you for the one monthsary.
When I decided to make call date as an activity we could do for our monthsary. I was at my sister in-law's village where the reception was bad, and I struggled around the village to look for a full bar connection. But we didnt make that call. I was really sad and disappointed.
When I lashed out on you that night, I was trully hurt and tired. I didnt know if you even cared. But then I felt bad, because I dont like to be angry at someone I truly love and care about.
When we talked things out that night. I was really happy and fell for you again. But I was at a family gathering, and I wanted to talk to you some more. But I didnt.
For that one week, we talked. Things were good.
When my drunk texts kept coming in because of my insecurities and stupidity. I started feeling bad and thought I should stop it. You were really understanding, I was afraid that I might scare you off. I'm sorry.
When I try to asked about your feelings on the way I behave or the reasons behind your lack of text. . . . I'm not receiving any answers from you, either you didnt want to say anything or... I dont know.
Then...
The part I hate the most.
When I saw Tori's name on your description, I wasnt really bothered by it until I saw her comment saying she loves you, her beautiful girlfriend. I was really triggered and felt betrayed. And I didnt think.
When I tried miserably to confront you... I... I was and am confused. I didnt know to believe or not. I decided to gather my mind together and give you your space.
So I try to find distractions. Then my cousin called, and I went to their place and drink. I really dont like the feelings I was feeling.
I talked with two of my senpais.
When one of them told me to give time for me to take care of myself and not to be so attached. And not to give my all. I decided to slowly detached myself from you and focus on other things.
The same night. I found someone who is the same as you and I. Who is into girls and works in the same office as I am. We talked. And it felt nice to find someone who we can relate to.
When one of senpais told me not to dissappear without telling you anything. I decided to tell you how much you meant to me and I needed time to gather my thoughts.
But then...
When you greet me good morning today, all of that thoughts dissapeared. I was so happy, that I decided I want to hear your voice and you said maybe later. I kept a positive mind and wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Then it dawn on me. I'm back to square one.
I'm not good at poems, but I decided to write one even though it might not seems like one.
I decided to write a poem to tell you all of the feelings I felt during our relationships together. I'm not here to rant or lash out or blaming anyone. I'm just blaming myself for giving my all. For hoping so much. For being so attached. For deciding to give you my love that rarely express to others. Not even my own family.
I have been thinking a lot. Since yesterday, and today. And I even seek advice from my stone cold sister. She told me that me that you're not ready for a commitment. And that if you are in a relationship, you put a 100% into it. She said you dont spend days ignoring each other, get mad and made up. The same cycle goes everytime.
And I thought about her words.
She's right. I love you, K. This will be hard for me but I think we should break up. I think you'll be happier with someone nearer and not be constantly be abused my need for your attention. And I'm tired of this feeling. I dont like getting mad. I never get serious because it's exhausting. I wish you happiness, my sweet girl. You'll always have a special place in my heart. But I'm letting you go. I love you.. always. Thank you for loving me.
*Author's Note*
The hardest part of me was to let go of her. But it had to be done...
I wrote this after thinking for some time and deliver it to her. I showed it to my friend, and she told me to keep this note and publish it.
I'm sorry I havent been able to update two of my books. I know I said I'd update it but I have been occupied with a lot of stuff and I got the writer's block.
