𝐋𝐮𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 || [𝐀𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝟏]

#98: cans, cans, stupid cans

*PLEASE READ*

Woah, Lolo's updating twice in one day?!

And without a drawing?

I know, I know, I never do this. But I gotta rant for a minute here. This is too good of an opportunity to pass up. Read this, it's hilarious.

So about a week ago I had a rare occurrence where I actually got up early and I decided to make my lunch. There was a can of tuna on the counter so I was like, huh how convenient.

But then my luck ran out.

I tried to open the can. Key word, TRIED.

You know how tuna cans have that thing on the top like pop cans, that tab thingy you pull back and it opens? Well, I pulled on it and it broke. The thingy broke off and I didn't have a can opener. So no lunch for me. Again.

Today, a week later, I came home from school like just now and I was really hungry, so I started to search for food. And saw a new can of tuna on the counter.

This time, I was prepared. Or so I thought.

I had a can opener with me today. So, here's the thing. I don't know how to use can openers. Most of the time, I just clamp it down on the edge and turn the knob thing. Sometimes it works. Most of the time it doesn't. Sometimes the can opener breaks. But something else happened today.

So first I clamped it down and twisted the knob. But it didn't work. It just went off to the side and didn't break the can.

So I tried a different angle. A few seconds later, after I had gone about a quarter around, I saw oil on the counter as was like "why tf is oil coming out of the can when CLEARLY I haven't broken the can yet?" So I had to clean up the mess and all that. When I picked up the can to see what was going on, more oil was coming out and going down my hands. I turned the can, looking for any holes.

Lemme make something clear first. When you use a can opener, the can breaks at the top of the can and the TOP of the can (the lid part) comes off. Okay.

So there I am, turning the can, looking at what was happening to it. But then.....

I nearly dropped the can when I saw what was causing the oil to come out. When I had turned the can opener for a better angle, I had made it open the side of the can, THE SIDE not the top. THE SIDE. (internally screaming)

So I shouted, "Mom! I'm starving and I can't open a can of tuna! Help me!"

She said back, "I can't help you with that, you should know how to open cans..."

I debated showing her the can. But I persevered and tried again. This time, I went for a bigger, better tool. My parents own a restaurant so we own one of those big, industrial can openers. There's a bar that weighs ten pounds and has a spike near the middle of it to puncture the can. The bar goes into a hole in the side of a table and turning the knob literally uses your whole arm.

I was thinking: "heh the can won't withstand me now."

I brought the spike down on the can.

And brought the knob down and turned.

And nothing happened.

Nothing happened. WTF.

I did what any sensible (I think?) person would do, used the spike the make holes along the edge so that it would open.

But then I got tired after six holes.

I begged my mom to help me. She literally looked at the mauled, holed can, turned it over so that it wasn't UPSIDEDOWN, took the pop-can-thingy (the tab thing on pop cans u use to open them) and popped the lid open.

I died.

I died right there.