Sucker For Pain

Chapter 5

"How are you Jess?" Matt's deep voice asked in a lower than normal voice and I felt my insides melt.

It was a loaded question. Right now I was a puddle of gooey feelings that I didn't understand but before I was a neurotic mess.

"I'm good, Matt. How are you?" I asked cautiously.

He blew his breath into the phone. "I was worried you weren't going to call me back.."

"I'm sorry...Brian came over and we spent the day..."

He cut me off abruptly "You were with Brian?"

"We just went to the bookstore," I explained.

"Oh...well that's cool," he said not sounding like he thought it was cool at all. "I just didn't want you to think...I mean...I wanted to see how you feel?"

"How I feel?" I asked confused. My face was red, I was slightly sweaty and I felt like I was going to puke up my croissant any moment. But I didn't​ think that was what he meant. "I'm  not sure what you're asking."

"Do you feel guilty?"he asked.

"Of course I feel guilty," I said automatically and a little louder than I wanted to. "Don't you?"

"Well yeah...of course," he said sincerely "Obviously..it was a mistake. I'm with Val and I've never cheated on her before. As her friend, I don't want you to think that I go around doing shit like that all the time."

"I know you don't, Matt," I interjected "I've known you for a long time. I know you aren't like that."

"Good...thank God...I was worried you might not believe me...I mean I know there are always so many girls around us, but I've never...."he trailed off, sounding a little more than relieved.

I imagined him in his standard golf outfit, a basic polo and some khaki shorts. His well muscled tattooed arms were a deep contrast to such a preppy outfit but he could pull it off. He looked good in everything. And nothing. Oh shit, I said to myself, gripping the phone tighter.

"I feel like such a dumbass for putting you in this position with Val," he cleared his throat "but at the same time, I don't know"

"You don't know what?"

"I just...I mean...I know what we did was wrong. But for some reason, I just don't feel guilty about it," he admitted "does that make me an asshole?"

For a second I didn'tn't know what to say. If I said yes then I came off as being judgmental. If I said no, then he might think that I'm cool with screwing over my friend and that would make me look like an asshole. I settled on safe ground.  "Matt, I don't have any room to judge you. I was there too...I did it too."

"I know, Jess, but it was my fault."

I thought back to the feel of his muscles under my hand, his skin so smooth, and his soft wavy hair in between my fingers. I wanted him and didn't think of consequences. How could it be just his fault?

"We were both wrong, Matt...we we're drunk. It must have been those shots at the end. They caught up with me. I really hadn't eaten much," I rambled.

"I wasn't that drunk, Jess," he declared firmly.

You weren't that drunk?

As if hearing my thoughts, he continued "I mean, I had quite a few. I was certainly feeling good. Really good. But I knew what I was doing. I think I even wanted it to happen. Well obviously I wanted it to happen. Wait that sounded shitty, like I've been a fucking creep that's been thinking about it all this time. I didn't plan it or anything but I would be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind before."

Really? When? Tell me when Matt.

"It's fine, Matt. I believe you and I think it's best we just put it behind us."

"Right," he agreed "it's just for the best that we forget about it and move on."

"Exactly," I agreed.

"And it can never happen again," he added.

"Never ever again. It was a huge mistake."

"I don't regret it," he replied sounding slightly offended. "I should, but I don't."

What are you trying to say Matt?

I wait for a minute for him to explain but he doesn't. Instead he mumbles another apology "I'm sorry, Jess. I just wanted you to know how I felt."

"I appreciate it," I said confused but afraid to push him to say more "And we can just put this behind us...okay? Just let things go back to normal."

"Back to normal," he repeated "yeah okay. So I'll see you around then"

"Definitely," I replied sounding more sure than I felt.

He said his goodbye and then we hung up. I took a deep breath somewhat relieved that the conversation was over but upset that it left me more confused than I already was.

I spent most of the evening dissecting the conversation and after I got tired of it, my mind went back to that first kiss in the car. The softness of his lips. The gentle touch of his hands
The feel of his hair. And the way he looked sleeping in my bed, half-covered by my sheets, looking like he belonged there.

And that's when I knew that despite what we had agreed too, things between me and Matthew Sanders would never be normal again