Can't Find My Way Back to You (Jalex)

Feels Like I'm Drifting Away

Alex, it seems, is always alone.

Well, not exactly alone. And not exactly always. Alex goes to school, and his school is pretty big. Therefore, he's not always alone. And while he doesn't have friends and rarely interacts with anyone besides his parents (mainly his mom because his dad works a lot), he's not unhappy. In fact, he likes being alone.

Like now, as he's lying on his old Rugrats blanket from the nineties in his backyard, staring at the stars. If there's anything that Alex has always loved, it's space. He loves the vastness, the uncertainty, the utter freedom. He even loves the darkness. Space is everything Alex wants to be. He wants to be free, and in control.

Alex knows every constellation by heart, and has long since been able to identify them without help from an app. He loves how they light the sky up and how he can always find them. Like Sagittarius, the archer, the center of the universe. Alex is a Sag, so ideally, this would be his favorite constellation. But it's not. No, Alex loves Gemini, the twins, the two brightest stars in the Universe. The center of Alex's universe. Because Jack is a gemini. It's the constellation that he looks for every day when he lies outside on his Rugrats blanket. It's the one that gives him so much joy, but also reminds him of the worst thing that ever happened to him.

Every single day is a challenge for Alex. If he's lucky, no one at school talks to him and just ignores him. Sometimes Alex feels completely invisible, and while that hurts, it's much better than the alternative. If he isn't being ignored, he's being tormented. It's pretty stereotypical, really, for the skinny gay kid to get picked on and beat up by the jocks of the school. But that's what happens. Alex has to navigate the halls with eyes in the back of his head and his breath held. But of course, if they don't catch him at school, they'll catch him on his walk home.

His mom always cleans his wounds and ices his bruises and says, "they're just jealous, baby. Don't let them get you down." But it's hard for Alex to understand why anyone in their right mind would be jealous of him. Thin, lanky, plain, nerdy, and gay. Who wants to be that? Not even Alex wants to be Alex.

Today was okay, though. It was one of the days that everyone ignored him and so, he was able to do his daily tasks in peace. But then again, not even his teachers seemed to notice him and it made him wonder if he really is invisible. He's too afraid to ask anyone otherwise. He walked to school alone, went to his classes alone, ate lunch alone, went to more classes alone, and then he walked home alone.

As it reaches midnight, Alex folds up his blanket and begins to head back into his house. His parents are asleep, of course. His dad always go into work early and his mom gets up with him so that she can make him breakfast. Alex doesn't really like breakfast and usually skips it. He has school tomorrow, but he won't be going to sleep anytime soon. He just can't.

He goes upstairs to his room and strips down to his boxers. They're cotton and his favorite color, pale blue. He slides into his bed and pulls the covers up to his chin. He closes his eyes, but he doesn't sleep. He never does this early, and anyway, he has a lot to ponder tonight.

Alex saw Jack today. Not that he doesn't see him pretty much daily, but today was different. Jack was with Tiffany. It seemed like she was even blonder and tanner than the day before. Alex had no idea how she did it, but she grew more gorgeous by the minute. It's no wonder Jack wants her and not Alex. Well, there's a lot more to it than that, but Alex is certain that their appearances have at least something to do with it. He knows that he isn't very attractive, just ordinary. Meanwhile, Tiffany is tall and blond and beautiful, with sparkling blue eyes and a body to die for. Alex is basically a stick, with a bit of pudge in his middle. The only inch of fat that Tiffany has on her body is in her breasts and ass, the two places they're supposed to be. So yeah, she's way more beautiful than Alex could ever dream of being. And she's not the stereotypical bitchy airhead, either. She's sweet and smart and just an overall really great person. Alex, on the other hand, is shy and moody, and is only really good at English. And he doesn't exactly do great in that class, either. Everyone loves Tiffany, except Alex, of course. She's everything that he's not. Tiffany always sees the glass half full and Alex is lucky to see droplets.