Cowgirl Soul (second book in Cowgirl Ways series)

Chp.9

    Once we were done eating, me and Monica went to clean up but Austin stopped me.

    "They can handle it." He mumbled before guiding me away from my porch and towards the lake. I turned back to give Monica a helpless look but she just smiled and drew a heart with her hand. I turned back around and pulled myself away from Austins touch.

     Five minutes later we were still walking in silence. The sunset was beautiful over the water and I wished I could've enjoyed it if it wasn't for the awkwardness hanging heavy in the air. I sighed and before I even took another step he stopped and grabbed my wrist, stopping me too.

    "Why?" He finally asked. I frowned and looked up at him.

    "What?"

      "Why? Why wouldn't you let me explain myself? You knew I didn't think it was a mistake so why push me away?" He asked, staring me down as his anger rose. I bit my lip and looked down, not wanting to answer.

      "It's complicated." I mumbled, rubbing my arm before continuing to walk. We had reached a wooded part and continued walking on the trail along through the woods.

     "What do you mean it's complicated? What's complicated about any of this?" He exclaims, stepping in front of me to stop me from walking any further.

      "It's...its...I don't know Austin! It just is!" I practically yell. I couldn't tell him. He would never look at me the same. He would pity me and that's the last thing in the world I want.

      "I know damn well you know why!" He yelled, taking a step closer. My reflexes kicked in and I stumbled back, my back hitting a tree. I shut my eyes and hung my head, too scared to look up at his face. He was quiet, only his heavy breathing could be heard. Monica's words came back to my mind. She was right. He was the only one who would understand.

      "Clarence." I whispered, my voice barely loud enough to hear. But I knew he heard it. He sighed and took the tiniest step back from me. He brought a hand up to my face, gently tilting it up so he could look in my eyes.

     "What did he do to you?" He asked, his voice laced with anger. But not at me. His eyes were set hard but I knew all of his resentment towards me had gone. I shook my head.

      "Bad things. You'd never look at me the same Austin." I explained. He frowned.

     "Why?"

     And with that, I broke.

      "Because I was stupid. I was so stupid. He said just enough to keep me hanging on. I knew it was a bad situation. I knew it was toxic. But I just wanted someone besides my grandma to actually love me. And I was stupid and dumb enough to believe what he said. That he didn't mean to hit me he was just drunk. That he didn't mean to scream and yell and smash plates that he just had a hard day at work. That he didn't mean countless other things because he loved me. And I was stupid enough for all of it. And you want to know why? Because I thought that damn man was the only thing I was worthy of. My parents treated me like a piece of shit. They left right after you did. I thought I was a worthless piece of crap that nobody wanted and here was this guy that wanted me. He did so much stuff to me Austin. That's why I can't be with you. Why I won't be with you." I ended finally , my voice starting loud but ending at barely a whisper.

     Tears were falling down my face by now and my hands were shaking. The memories were still too real. Still too fresh. It was only four months ago. I squeezed my eyes tight, trying to calm myself down. Austin stepped closer and pulled me into a bone crushing hug. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face into his chest, trying to calm myself down.

      "Cry Lily. Don't hold it in." He said, obviously hearing my shaky breaths. And that's what I did. I cried in his chest while he held me tightly. I didn't mean to spill it all out. I didn't mean to tell him everything. I probably shouldn't have but he wouldn't have left me alone until he knew.

      It took a while but I finally composed myself enough to pick me head up and look up at him. His face was one of distraught. He looked at me as I wiped my thumbs under my eyes to catch the tears, his arms still around my waist.

     "I'm not him." He murmured. I looked up into his eyes and gave him a sad smile.

      "I know but I'm just scared Austin. I put myself in that position and nothing is stopping me from doing it again." I said softly.

      "But if your with me-"

       "I can't. Don't you see? I can't. I'm so screwed up after all of it Austin. You don't deserve someone you have to baby and worry about your actions all the time." I said, trying to pull away from him but he held tight.

      "I don't care who I do and don't deserve. I like you lily. A lot. And it's taken me too long to admit that. I'll do whatever I have to do, just please give me a chance." He pleaded. I swallowed and looked down, biting my lip.

     "I know you've probably had enough of me." He continued. "But I haven't had enough of you. I'm not him and I never will be him. And Lily if he ever even thinks about getting close to you, I won't hesitate to kill him." At that my eyes snapped up to his. "I knew you were dating somebody but I never knew it was that prick. If he wants to get to you he'll have to come through me." He said gruffly, his eyes turning steely.

    I sighed and stayed quiet, making a split second decision.

    "Can I think about it?" I asked, looking up at him with hopeful eyes. He sighed and swallowed, stepping away as if I dejected him. He nodded.

      "Of course. I won't force you into anything you don't want to be in." He mumbled, obviously looking disappointed
with my answer. I hated seeing him sad. So I stepped forward, placing my hand on his shoulder and going up on my tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek.

      "It's not a no." I said softly in his ear before going back to my original height and smiling up at him. He looked much more happier and we made our way back towards the cabins.