My sight had been stolen. The thing is, when you can't use one of your senses anymore, the remaining ones are sharpened in order what to compensate for the loss of the missing one. Something like the sound of a falling leaf, suddenly becomes very noticeable. That is exactly what happened. All I could hear was his voice and his laughter. The words he spoke guided me through the darkness. My limbs followed every direction flying from his mouth. And because my awareness increased, everything that happened stayed stuck in my memories.
It all began with that simple game. The one that was meant to be an icebreaker. It was meant to introduce people. It was meant to be fun and lighthearted. But it instead became the root of the entirety of my thoughts for the coming months. My mind slowly began to overflow with him. To be honest, I didn't even realize how much I desired to be near him. Until he filled up every space in my head and I woke up from dreaming of him. We were friends. We are friends. He was the first person who I liked that noticed me. He liked me as well, just not in the same way. So, he stayed oblivious. And he continued speaking his sweet words while my hope grew.
His flirtatious manner captivated me. His wide eyes and beautiful expressions imprisoned my sight. I thought he felt the same way I did. He would call me late at night, and we would share stories that no one else knew about us. It was these midnight talks that made me fall deeper. I was Alice falling to Wonderland, though never actually being able to reach it. I hoped he felt the same way I did. I wished so badly for him to let me stay by his side. I wanted to make him laugh his gorgeous laugh, I was hungry for his affection and I longed for him to thirst for mine. It started as a small admiration but it had expanded to a skyscraper of desire.
I continued this friendship, and it eventually turned into a cycle. I wanted to be around him, but every time he spoke I would fall a little deeper, my attraction would grow a little wider, and I would want to be around him once again. When I finally realized the cycle, it was too late. I was at the very bottom of the rabbit hole with no way back up. It felt like being stabbed by a flaming spear, right in the heart. All you'd want to do is find whatever way there was to get rid of the pain, right? So that's what I tried to do. I gave up, I told him who my heart was locked to. And he replied, "Why?". Why. Why, why, why, why? That was a great question. I wish I could've answered it. But all my emotions were so mixed up that I no longer knew where the rabbit hole began and ended. I was in love.
All of a sudden I was going crazy. My heart pounded every time he spoke. Sweat formed on my face every step he moved closer. It's the awful truth. It's humiliating. But it's what happened. My thoughts overflowed, but only with him. He was all I thought about. Every spare moment I had was corrupted by the mere idea of him. I had no escape from my heart's cravings. This was when I knew something was wrong. When you have a crush, it's just an attraction to someone that causes you to spend a couple extra minutes in the bathroom before school. But this was different, I was infatuated with him. This wasn't supposed to happen. But it did, because he spoke to me and laughed with me. Because he looked at me and smiled at me. And this was the first time anyone had ever done that.
Even after I had told him, he didn't seem to care. I guess he just didn't realize how deep I had fallen, because he acted as if nothing had happened. In fact, his actions felt like they had tripled rather than stopped. I needed desperately to get out of the cycle and he wasn't helping. I knew that nothing was ever going to happen between us and all that those emotions were causing, was heartbreak. It was bad, it was terrible. Our relationship was unbalanced. The way I felt for him was unhealthy. I wanted to scream and cry because it hurt so bad. I had never experienced that. And I never want to again.
From that incident, I found something out about myself. I am in love with the idea of love. I wanted to fall in love so badly, that I did. And when I began to love him, I felt all sorts of other emotions as well. Because he didn't return my love. My love for him was unrequited. He was the first crush I had that paid attention to me. I learned about him, and he learned about me. This was the reason that I tripped over the pebble. As you gain knowledge on the personal life of someone you already like physically, you can either find out they have an unsuitable personality, or you can start to like them even more. My unrequited feelings were bad. They were bad for me. I had so much devotion to give, but none to receive.
I realized that I needed to get out of the trance. What I felt, I identify as love. But love is something shared between two people, whether lovers or friends, and that was not the case. It's not this way for everyone. I simply found this out about myself. I can never fall for someone again, no matter how much I want to or I feel like I want to. It's just an addiction. The chemicals stirring up in my head while I'm feeling like I'm on cloud 9, only last for a while. Because after the high is over, only the nasty withdrawal follows. So lesson learned. Love is for the worldly. Besides, I don't need to think about love. I am after all, only in tenth grade.
