Random thoughts

sister's love

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of.
The coexistence of strong connection you have with her and feeling of conflict and jealousy towards her proves that you can love and loathe someone simultaneously.
Well, here by "loathe" i mean the so called "family hate" coz you can't loathe someone sooo much close to your heart..
In my case..
Iam the younger sister...
And my sister is very much beautiful,smart in a way she is the apple of our mother's eye.
She is the stylish one.
Iam the simple one.
She was the popular one in our school
I was the unknown one.

Why can't be you more like your elder sister, why you are so different from your sister.
Oh my god!!! Is she your sister..? every one asked me..
Or basically taunted me.
I faced huge amount of comparison with my sister.

Why can't people understand we are not one.
What if we are sisters, at the end of the day we are still different person
But i never felt even a speck of jealousy from her.

Actually i never felt jealous from anyone And I consider that as a gift from god.
But as we know every action has an equal and Opposite reaction in my case also there were some "reactions"

I got in depression.
And that made me less confident.
Though i never had stage fear.
I was a good speaker and i totally love that about myself.
But talking to less people, walking with hanging my head low, clutching the strap of my school bag whenever passing through a large crowd became my thing.
But i managed to get out of the depression by focusing my attention in studies (it obviously improved my result
and my parents praised me that helped my mental state) and i thought all this ended.
Mark the word "thought"

Time passed and we both (me and my sis) moved to different cities for our fur further education.
We were away from our home,parents and our comfortable life. The physical distances between me and my sis filled the emotional distances in our life.
We became more close.

But the insecurity that iam not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough,not perfect enough still haunted me.
I guess it never ended
it only got suppressed for a while and as i came to new city ,faced new people it all came back.

This was the result and effects of comparison with my sister i faced in my past.
My classmate helped me get over it.
And i am still thankful to her for that help.
Iam improving day by day and iam happy for that.
But i still think that a tiny piece of my past and speck of the insecurity is hiding somewhere in my brain.

What iam trying to convey here is that
Even a little bit of comparison can effect the mental state of a person.

We should never compare anyone.

Thank you for reading