Flesh and Blood

Going Through The Motions

I nervously walked up to his front door and knocked. I smoothed out my shirt and quickly primped my hair. I heard the door unlock and I smiled as it slowly opened

"Cassie?"

"SETH!"

I ran and jumped in his arms. He gave me a half hearted hug and pulled me back

"Cassie what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you. I HAVE to talk to you about some stuff"

"You're not supposed to be here. I can't afford to get arrested if your dad saw you. It doesn't matter Cass we're not together anymore. You need to move on."

"....but....I love you....."

"You're only 16...you don't have a clue what love is. Go home Cassie. I don't want you anymore"

"Cassandra White?"

I sat there staring out the window completely lost in thought. I spent my days and nights going through the motions. I knew people were talking to me...I just wasn't paying attention anymore. I didn't care. Every day I just wanted to go back to bed the minute I woke up. I always had hope that Seth would still want to be with me even if we had to sneak around. Obviously I found out that I was wrong. My family were still being jerks to me even though I haven't done anything. I go to school, I come home, I sit in my room and I go to bed. I don't interact with any of them so I didn't get what the problem was. And then there's this issue of knowing who my dad is, but not being allowed to do anything was hard. I had so many questions and no answers. I've just been so down. I feel more lost than ever and it feels like no one wants me at all. 

"Cassandra...pay attention please"

"I'm sorry Mrs. Bennett...what did you want?"

"We're reading 'The Joy Luck Club'...page 163...it's your turn. We're on the paragraph that starts 'When the road grew quiet'"

I turned to the page in the book and found the place and started

"When the road grew quiet, she tore open the lining of her dress, and stuffed jewelry under the shirt of one baby and money under the other. She reached into her pocket and drew out the photos of her family, the picture of her mother and father, the picture of herself and her husband on their wedding day. And she wrote on the backs of each the names of the babies and this same message: 'Please care for these babies with the money and valuables provided. When it is safe to come, if you bring them to Shanghai, 9 Weichang Lu, the Li family will be glad to give you a generous reward. Li Suyuan and Wang Fuchi.'

And then she touched each baby's cheek and told her not to cry. She would go down the road to find them some food and would be back. And without looking back, she walked down the road, stumbling and crying, thinking of only this one last hope, that her daughters would be found by a kindhearted person who would care for them...."

For some reason reading this really bothered me. I stood up and bolted out of the room and went into the bathroom. I was sad and overwhelmed and I panicked. I wanted to go home. I knew across the street was the public library and they had internet. I exited the bathroom and just left campus. I walked right off and across the street. I walked into the library and paid my $1 to use their internet. I started looking up personal appearances for my dad. The closest one was in Boston and was happening in 2 days. I looked up bus routes and train routes and compared prices and times. I needed to find a way to be able to afford a ticket and then I got an idea.

I made my way out of the library and started to walk home.  I made my way into my room and grabbed my overnight bag and thew a bunch of clothes in it. I put in the bear he gave me, my pictures and my iPod. I knew doing this was going to get me in more trouble than I was ready for. I  knew this was probably going to be horrible when I got back, but I HAD to do this. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to wait 2 years to have this conversation. I wanted to talk to him NOW and talk about it NOW. I snuck into Travis's room and went over to his hope chest. I opened it and found his mini safe...shouldn't have ever told me the code dummy...I entered the combination and took $200 in cash and quickly closed it and put it back exactly how I found it. I made sure that everything was the way I found it and made my way down the stairs and out of the door. 

I started walking towards the Amtrak station. I finally reached the station several hours later and bought my ticket to Boston. I sat and waited until it was my time to board. I took a seat, pulled out my iPod and bear and watched out the window as it slowly pulled away from the station. I was freaking out inside. This was HUGE for me to be doing this.  If my adopted father hated me before he was going to REALLY hate me now. I didn't think it really mattered. No one had really talked to me for months and I was tired of feeling alone. I just wanted to feel like I had parents who cared.  I pulled out my Christmas card and read it again and smiled. I put it back in my bag and turned on my music and cuddled with my bear. I kept telling myself...I had to do this...I had to as I drifted off to sleep.