Inside The Mind of a Delusional Writer

DOUBT

DOUBT

I have a problem with self-doubt.

My mind can't wrap around the fact that people like my writing. I've really never understood it.

Whenever I read my own works I criticize myself. 'That's a terrible transition,' 'Why are there so many fucking paragraphs?' 'What did I not proof read this at all?!'

I'm my own worst enemy because when I do that I question whether or not anyone actually likes what I do.

Do people just read my work because there's not as many ATL fics as there are 5sos or 1D?

Have they run out of Alex Gaskarth fanfiction that they've resorted to my crap?

16,600 views can't even shut that voice in my head up.

All I keep thinking is, 'WHY DO YOU LIKE MY SHIT?! ITS LITERALLY SHIT!'

Teachers, friends, everyone telling me I have talent but I feel like I don't. I don't believe them.

I remember I was at an interview for a leadership position.

I had to write a 500 word essay on why I deserved the position.

Mr. Regner read the essay while Mr. Keech shot questions at me.

After answering the question, they turned towards each other.

"I have no questions. The essay was perfect."

Mr. Keech didn't believe him. He skimmed it, looking for imperfections, and he couldn't find any.

But even after that, I still doubted myself.

When I got the position, I was positive that I got it because of that essay, not because I played my instrument well.

Or when I got a 94/100 on a 20 page research paper. I had the highest grade in my class.

But I didn't believe it was the best, despite what my teacher said.

She said it wasn't perfect but it was far beyond what anyone else had.

So why do I insist on bringing myself down?

7/30/16