Daisy's Garden ✓

8.

My dearest and most loved Declan,
I think I am going to die. I know how stubborn you can be and I think you got that from me. I stuck around so long after the verdict after all.

The next few days passed in a daze. I gave notice of my absence at work and travelled back to my hometown with Giovanni, my head too empty to process the changes I was witnessing all over the place. I wasn't big on visiting after Uncle Edgar's death so mother visited me whenever she could and I used to visit father though he didn't live anywhere close to here. I hadn't seen these streets, these markets, these parks in years yet I felt devoid of any emotion as they blurred past.

I know how hard this will be for you. While you pretend to be so hard on the outside, I know the kind of heart you have. You will blame yourself for not visiting me often, maybe that you didn't write enough or weren't a good son.

When we reached the old home, it was to discover several people milling about the front door. Seeing us, they made way for me to pass. The rooms inside were the same pastel colours with large paintings covering every inch of the walls. Growing up, this house seemed like a mausoleum but now, it looked like a jester - putting on a smile even though it's dead inside.

I want you to mourn me. Of course any human wants to be remembered. I wouldn't claim to be selfless in that. However, you're the only thing where I can be selfless. I want you to mourn, Declan, then I want you to be happy.

I couldn't see her just yet so I moved away when Giovanni turned to the main room. Wandering through the empty rooms, I replayed memories of my childhood here. Mostly, I just thought of him. My father was my lifeline and that link was now gone. I couldn't get over it so easily.

For that, it is important that you let go of the hate. Forgiveness breeds in the absence of hate and only then can we achieve bliss.

After a long time, I finally went to face her. Mother was a mess. She couldn't stop sobbing and when she did, she'd start back up a little while later. She clung to me from the minute she saw me, her nails digging into my shirt and her whole frame rocking viciously with the force of her sobs.

You see there was a time I wanted to hate as well. I wanted to blame the universe and everyone in it. However our life isn't always roses and we need to accept that. Just because we're having a rough go in one moment does not mean we didn't enjoy happiness tenfold in another. We're only human though and we forget. Life is a series of ups and downs. It's alright to hurt just as it is to be happy.

The whole congregation, which I realised was a mixture of both mother and father's family, moved to the graveyard after some time. Instead of looking at the casket, I could only stare at my trembling hands. Mother reached over, noticing my distress in spite of her silent sobs, and gripped my hands in a clumsy grip which tightened as my hands tried to pull away.

You're a good boy, Declan, but you forget to be good to yourself most times. So I am leaving you this to remind you of who you are to those who love you. I hope my words can absolve you if not your own. Silence that voice inside your head, son, and listen to me. One last time.

People got up to lay flowers and I sat motionless, staring at our joined hands still. Mother leaned into me, her eyes closing in exhaustion and I instantly felt bad for making her my support when she needed it just as badly. For whatever reason. A part of me, grudgingly, had started to understand why she was this upset when I wouldn't have a few months ago. But I was willing to listen and if she didn't speak then I was willing to be around.