MS is a gift. It takes a lot away from a person: mobility; - a sense of security; - economic stability; - and, can make life hell. However, it also gives back. It really can give so much, if a person permits.
I can't say I felt multiple sclerosis was a gift on June 5, 2000. I woke partially paralysed on one side of my body. No, at that time I thought whatever was happening to me was the worst thing in the world.
In case you aren't aware, Multiple sclerosis is an autoimmune disease, which is often disabling. MS attacks protective covering- the myelin sheath - encasing the nerves. One doctor explained it using the analogy of the rubber coating covering wires. When the coating is damaged, messages from the brain are interrupted before it is sent to limbs.
The following months were filled with pain and confusion. I watched as friends began to drift away. Maybe they were concerned because the multiple sclerosis came on so quickly and without any apparent warning? If it could happen to me, possibly it could happen to them.
Perhaps they thought the disease was contagious? Or, more likely, they were wrapped up in their own lives and they didn't have the time or energy to deal with me on a regular basis. I was in the grip of depression and felt abandoned. I had my parents and a few long-time friends, but that was it. I was to blame as well. I was unconsciously pushing people away with my words and actions. I was lonely, yet not doing anything to enhance my life.
Leaving my position at work to go on disability didn't improve my social isolation. That also meant a cut in wages. In a few short months, I went from working at the best job I have ever had - where my biggest concern was my weight - to watching everything crumble around me.
Having a chronic illness is tough. It isn't only the problems with the disease; - it is people around you. Unless they are going through what you are, they don't understand. They don't know the constant pain I endure or the fear I have that when I go to sleep that I will awaken blind or paralyzed - or something worse. They say they know how I feel and what I am going through, but they don't. They aren't facing what I face, so how can they relate?
This is the attitude I, and many other people, have at first diagnosis. It may last a couple of years - or a lifetime for some. It reeks of self-pity and can defeat a person faster than the disease. A negative attitude and a 'poor me' outlook on life can do more to hold a person back than any disease.
I did say that MS was a gift. If I were you, I would be wondering when the gift part is coming. So far, it sounds like multiple sclerosis is anything but a gift.
The MS took my old life from me, removed me from my day-to-day routine which I had fallen into and was comfortable with. But the disease gave me a chance to start over. It gave me the ability to have a fresh start, something that a lot of people dream of. I am sure you know people who say, "if only I could start again knowing what I know now." I received that opportunity.
There came a time when I had to take a step back and re-examine my life. I could go on for the next forty or fifty years - or more - living the way I was. Hating everything about me, drinking to excess, gaining weight, diving further into debt, and pushing everyone who cared about me away. The other option was to accept that my life had changed and work with what I had.
It's easy to make a decision like that, yet difficult to put it into action. Slipping back into old patterns of behaviour is so effortless and tempting. Making changes, doing things I never did before, that was difficult.
No one ever said life was easy.
My future is truly in my care now, not at the whim of an employer. I have to sink or swim on my own and, gradually, I am learning to swim.
I am now an award-winning novelist - I have three fiction works published - The Bond, A Paranormal Love Story, Let Us Play, A Rock 'n Roll Love Story (Mystique Rising in Kindle) and Missing Flowers. One of my books has been looked at by movie producers, though no one has optioned it yet. One of those movie producers was Mandalay Films. Hey, I've been turned down by the best!
I write a blog on Vancouver and its history called the Vancouver Vagabond. It is gaining worldwide attention. I have been mentioned in the Toronto Globe and Mail. So many positive things have come to pass. Honestly, I can't say they would have if I hadn't been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and forced to make changes in my life.
MS is an interesting journey - full of ups and downs. I have written about it in my book On The Right Side, My Story of Survival and Success, now available on Amazon (http://authl.it/18s). If you are interested in reading about my struggles and triumphs, read On The Right Side, My Story of Survival and Success.
Thank you for reading this little missive. Please don't hesitate to contact me. My website at www.karenmagill.com, has contact information, samples of all my books, and free eBooks by signing up for my newsletter. I hope to see you soon.
Karen Magill
