HIM.

Summary. -feelings

It hurts. It hurts when I think about it and I think about it every single minute of every single day. what you did to me is that you
changed me and I know it's not your fault but I can't seem to figure out anything.
I'm a mess.
what you did to me is unforgivable but I may forgive you but I don't think I will ever be able to forget what you made me go through.
you were the first person to break my heart.ever.and I will never forget that.Dont you dare tell me it gets better cause trust me it does not.you became a stranger to me in just one second.Though I saw it coming it still hurts.I always knew that you would never accept me the way I want you to but still I tried cause I deserved to try.Guess you never know what you have until you lose it and trust me even if you think nothing is ruined, you're wrong mate cause everything got messed up in just a movement and I know nobody will be able to fix this.To fix me.

I always say that I don't care but i care too much. Yea I know I made you cry and i feel bad but did you ever wonder how many times you make me cry?
You probably wouldn't even guess cause you make me cry every single fucking day. Did you ever feel bad about that?
Of course you didn't.You think I feel nothing.you think that you're the only one who went through stuff like this but guess you'll never understand cause as you always say you actually are a selfish bitch.when I met you for the first time after what you did to me,my heart sank.i couldn't even breathe.you broke me from inside out and now I feel nothing but sorrow and regret.
I regret even talking to you about all this.when I met you I couldn't figure out what you were thinking but it sure as hell wasnt guilt or regret or even some sympathy or that you felt sorry for your behaviour.i just saw a 20 year old boy who just acted like nothing happened.like he never made a girl go though hell in just a week.

yes you tried to talk me through it and I shut you down.But I had to.I had to because the time or the place was not right for that.i had to shut you down cause I knew that I would've end up crying in front of you and I knew that it would have been uncontrollable and I didn't want anyone to think that I'm broken.That I feel nothing.
Nothing at all.
so sorry for shutting you down at that time but you chose the wrong time to talk to me.I guess I don't even wanna talk about this anymore.i want to pick myself up and move on.i know it'll be hard but I have to or else I wouldn't be able to live but you make that hard For me every time you come across me.i don't fucking want to see you.i want to forget you.i want to leave your life silently and as soon as possible cause I'm tired of your laugh and tired of your voice.i don't wanna hear your voice anymore.i don't want you to touch me anymore.touch my hair anymore.i don't hate you man.trust me I don't.I just lost respect for you and I don't think I'll ever be able to give you that respect ever again.that friendship ever again.

i can't look at my reflection anymore.i don't want to see a mirror ever anymore.Im tired.Im way too tired to care about any of this now.you all broke me.its not just you.its everyone around me.i can't stand anyone.i don't want to sit with anyone ever again cause they just have to bring up all my weaknesses when I'm with them and all the things that make me upset.i just wanna end it cause I can't stand anything anymore.i can't pretend that I'm all unicorns and flowers when I'm in a hell lot of misery.Im miserable enough to end it all.i wish I never had anyone in this world whom I care about cause then it would have been a lot more easier for me that way.I just wish there was just somebody in life who really cared about me.who only saw me as his world.who really could make me realise that life is worth living for.I wish that you could be that one person in my life who really cared but the reality is you don't.you just don't care anymore and I don't blame you cause I knew you'd leave one day or another but there was this spark of hope in my heart that you still cared but I've realised no one is there for me anymore.To bare my shit and my problems anymore.Im just alone.All alone and the funny thing is that I don't even know myself if its a good thing or a bad thing.Guess I'll never know.

You're coming back today.I didn't know you're gonna be back this soon.i just wished that you would've been back when I was gone cause I know you'll meet others when you come back and I don't know how I'll react on seeing you now.i know I'll stay silent and bury everything inside as always.i know you'll react the same way that you did when we met the first time after all this happened but a tiny part of me just hopes that your behaviour will change towards me.I can just hope cause hope is the only thing I have left in me now.i cant pretend anymore like nothing happened just like you pretended.If you react anywhere near that not-so-awkward I don't care behaviour, I swear I'll go away and never ever come back.

So you came, we met. Nothing clicked.i knew I'm not ready to see you yet but when you turned up I just didn't feel anything.you came and we shook hands and you went to sit with Katherine.I couldn't believe myself.i couldn't believe that it was me sitting there anymore.All of you starting talking to one another and all I could do was drink water.I freaking drank water all night but I couldn't help it cause if I wouldn't have I wouldn't have survived the night. I knew the way you would act cause I was used to it now but I didn't expect the way you behaved that night.It was just unbelievable and the one thing that shocked me the most was you talking about one-sided love.seriously? How could you? I never expected you to but I kinda have this feeling that you did it on purpose.In that movement i just wanted to get up and get out of that freaking place and as I told you, I started drinking water again and again and again.The next thing I knew, you were sitting beside me.I just didn't expect you to just come and sit beside me but also on the other hand I didn't even expect you'll react this way the whole evening but still I just had to expect something.Yea I know,stupid me huh.