By The Time You Read This

ii. missed calls

I hated going to school already as is, adding in the factor of people staring and whispering whenever I walked past them did not do anything to help that. That was pretty much how it was for one whole month after Andrea – people would look at me and probably think, "oh that's him, her old friend" or "I wonder if he feels bad." I do, in case you're wondering.

And I still feel like shit whenever I think about what happened between us, but I would rather not talk about that.

#4 February 5

Remember back in the 2nd or 3rd grade how we were taught the meanings of all the different acronyms? I remember how shitty I felt when I found out in history that all those "A.D."s after all the dates (3000 A.D.) meant "After Death". The irony.

Pretty sure that by the time you're reading this, word has gotten around. Have I become the topic of the masses? Have a lot of people who didn't even remotely like me weep over me, yet? Because if that's the case, I can confirm your thoughts, Connor. I think it's bullshit.

Do me a favor and show this note attached to anyone pretending. It contains my deepest and most sincere words telling them to go do everyone a favor and shut up.

There literally was a note attached filled with vulgarities and her signature on it. Luckily enough, I was sitting at the cafeteria as I read this and it just so happened that two tables down from me, Mackenzie James was sobbing about how she missed Andrea and don't ask me how, but I managed to slip it under her lunch tray before I left for my next class.

Just a little reminder of how much of a bitch I can be.:) I'm pretty sure you're thinking that I'm crazy right now. Sorry. It's just that while I'm writing this, I'm listening to Nirvana. And I can't help but think about how everyone glorified Kurt Cobain after what he did. I love Kurt. I do. I love Nirvana, you know that.

It's just that I think people keep forgetting that he was a person too. He made mistakes. And when he did what he did, it's like he never made any. People started praising everything he ever did, even the wrong things. Why is it that when you're dead, you suddenly get a clean slate? Half the time, that's what the dead were looking for before they died. Kinda like me, I guess.

Anyway, back to Nirvana.

I know you hate them – okay, maybe you just don't like them as much as I do – but you gotta admit, they were good. Just like you guys. You, Ash, Paul, and George. I don't know anyone else who loves music as much as you besides myself and those three dorks (just because I'm dead while you're reading this doesn't mean you're not allowed to laugh while reading and/or call me a bitch or call me off for making jokes). I've heard you play both drums and guitar countless times. Enough times to have a reality check and teach myself how to do it too. I know you can write too. I've seen you. And I can tell, they're good.

Promise me something if you ever make it big, alright? Just this one thing. Don't ever forget what it's all about: the music. At the end of the day, it isn't about the money, the fame, or the fans that "got you there". It isn't about the record label or how you went from garage-playing to arenas.

It's about the thing you love. Music.

Don't ever forget that. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think Kurt Cobain forgot what it all meant. I'm sure he didn't. It was everyone else that forgot. And that's why he did what he did. I don't think I have the same reasons as him though. He knew what was it he loved about life, everyone else shared the same idea and they all saw it but it got ruined.