The day started off innocently enough. Patsy Laverne, a successful businesswoman in her early 50s, was going to and fro between business meetings and so forth, meeting with client after client after client and...
Well, early on during the lunch hour that day, she ate something for lunch that, although delicious, really caused her somewhat of a discomfort. So after she was done, she went to tend to it, and she went where women generally tend to attend to personal matters. It wasn't very long, though, before she was finished doing that and she felt like herself again. That is, her very busy self. In fact, so busy that—well, let's not go there just yet.
Meanwhile, later in the day, after everyone had left home, Shirley Marcus, a lowly janitorial lady whose job it was to clean the washrooms, came to the woman’s washroom only to find a rather disgusting sight. In fact, it was so disgusting that it would prove to be the last straw for her, as evident from the following loud complaint: “I've had it with these pigs! I quit!” Without a moment's hesitation, she tore off her apron and stormed out of the washroom—and later, the office building itself. That didn't mean, however, that that particular situation would not be rectified. It would be in good time—in a most unusual fashion.
At about 11:00 that evening, while Patsy lay sound asleep in her king size bed in her huge master bedroom in her $2,000,000 penthouse condominium, back at the sight where Shirley had hastily decided to quit, something very—very—unusual began to occur. Out from one of the toilet's in the washroom, there slithered eight skinny pieces of human excrement, each one meter longer than the one before it—the first one, however, measuring about five meters long. One by one, these pieces of excrement, with minds of their own, slithered out of the toilet, then out of the office building through a window—that had remained opened for some unfathomable reason—and then finally, they began to float through the air in the dark of night.
At about 1:00am, Patsy was still sound asleep when all of a sudden, she was startled awake by the sound of her bedroom window being smashed. She quickly stumbled out of bed to investigate—but strangely enough, there were neither footprints nor fingerprints to be found. Even more suddenly, however, her bedroom overhead light came on, which, in her half-awake state, was a bit glaring for her. She attempted to go to turn the light off, but she suddenly slipped and fell flat on her back. At that moment, the shortest piece of excrement went for the attack, binding her feet by wrapping itself around them. Next, the third-shortest piece of excrement bound her hands in the same fashion. Finally, the longest piece of excrement—which, for those keeping score, measured about 12 meters—wrapped itself around her. Patsy screamed and struggled to break free all the while, but it was to no avail whatsoever. Then, the second-longest piece of the excrement pulled her hair while the other pieces of excrement lifted her up in the air and began to carry Patsy out of her bedroom through the newly-broken window—and into the dark of night, her screaming for help all the while.
About half-an-hour later, the pieces of excrement and their captive Patsy arrived back at the office building through the window they came out through earlier. After flying Patsy into the ladies' washroom, they released her and dropped her onto the floor. After regaining her bearings, Patsy looked up, only to find yet another piece of human excrement. This one, however, measured six metres in circumference and was five metres tall. It also had a face and hands that held a sceptre upright. It was also sitting down, but the way it sat down made it look like it was seated on a throne—when in actuality, it was seated on the hand dryer. At just the mere sight of that, Patsy screamed in terror. At that, however, the 'ruling' piece of excrement shouted: “Silence at once!” Patsy heard that and stopped screaming right then and there. It then continued: “Do you know why you're here?” Puzzled, Patsy replied: “I'm afraid not. I'm still only half-awake.” In response, it said to the other—much skinnier—pieces of excrement: “Seize this woman and take her to one of the toilets!” They did as they were asked, and thus dragged Patsy to one of the toilets—namely, where earlier she had, um, taken care of personal matters—without wiping the toilet after herself. Upon seeing how messy it was, Patsy turned up her nose and said: “You dragged me all the way here to see this?”
“Well,” the 'ruling' excrement shouted in response, “you were the one who left the toilet like that!” Puzzled even further, Patsy asked: “How do you know about this, pray tell?” In reply, it said: “Because we've all been watching you.” At that, the other pieces of excrement stood on either side of the big one and began staring directly at her. The big one continued: “Because of your carelessness and thoughtlessness, the lady that cleaned your messes each and every day quit today. She was disgusted at seeing this mess day after day after day.”
“So now what?” Patsy then responded.
“So now, you're going to clean this mess!” exclaimed the big one. At that, Patsy declared: “No, I am not!” At that, the big one said in response: “Oh, really? Well, how much do you value the food products your company makes?” Patsy had no answer to that question, so the big one continued: “You'll either clean every toilet in this washroom—or else, these here pieces of human waste will slither themselves into the oil you deep fry your precious foods in.” At that, Patsy gasped, and then she said: “You wouldn't dare!”
“Oh, yes, we would!” the big one said. Then, motioning to the other pieces of excrement, he ordered them, saying: “Seize this woman, and make sure she cleans every toilet in this washroom before she goes home!” At that, the other pieces of excrement grabbed her and dragged her to the toilet closest to the entrance of the washroom. While the longer pieces of manure stayed and kept guard over her, the other ones went and got cleaning supplies and equipment. Once they were done, they placed it in front of Patsy. Thereafter, the big one, in a very loud voice, demanded of Patsy: “Now GET CLEANING!” At that, a now-reluctant Patsy proceeded to clean the first toilet. It took her nearly half-an-hour to clean the first toilet, and there were still eight more toilets thereafter to clean.
Later on, by the time she had reached the sixth toilet, about two hours had passed by, and Patsy complained: “Can I stop now? I'm getting tired!” Angrily, however, the big one shouted in reply: “NO!” At that, Patsy, perhaps fearing for her safety and that of the company's entire product line, resumed cleaning the toilets.
Finally, at approximately 9:00 the next morning, Patsy had finally finished all of the toilets. Immediately upon completion of the somewhat grotesque task, she approached the big one and pleaded: “I did all the toilets. Please, please, please let me go home now! I haven't slept a wink since your cohorts woke me up in the middle of the night!” Still, however, the big one loudly and angrily replied: “NO! Not until you clean the sinks, and clean all the walls, and mop the floor!” At that, Patsy then commenced doing all the things the big one next demanded of her.
By the time she was finally done, it was already 1:00 in the afternoon. At that point, it had been approximately 12 hours since she had been startled awake, and she was already yawning. So she then pleaded, as if pleading for her very life: “I'm done! Can I go home now?” In response, the big one summoned the other pieces of excrement and said to them: “See to it that this woman goes home safely!” Before that, however, it then turned its attention to Patsy and said: “Have you learned your lesson now?” Puzzled, Patsy asked: “What lesson?” In response, it pointed right at her and said: “The next time you use a public washroom, wipe up your nastiness after yourself! Otherwise, we'll be back, and if it ever happens again, we won't be quite so merciful about it!” With that, the other pieces of excrement all lifted her up and flew her right out of the office through the exact same window. Once they and Patsy were out of sight and out of mind, the big one got off the hand dryer and crammed its way into one of the toilets and down the toilet itself.
Finally, at around 2:00 that afternoon, the pieces of excrement arrived at Patsy's loft—once again through the window that they had shattered earlier, and this time, they let her down gently. After she got up, they flew out through the window, returned to the office building, and slithered their collective way back down the toilet from which they came. As for Patsy, meanwhile, she took a much-needed long, hot shower, changed the sheets and bedding on her bed, and then she went back to bed—and immediately, she fell fast asleep—and began snoring profusely after that!
