Sometimes I wonder if living is worth it.
If working is worth the effort when you know you're going to fail.
If breathing is a gift or a curse.
I've always been told it's a blessing to see the sun when you wake,
But is it when you get no sleep at all?
Sometimes I wonder if I should put food into this empty well.
If I'll be okay without eating for a day...
Or a week.
If not sleeping will affect my choices and moods.
If thinking about killing myself will be to loud,
So loud that my mother will hear it.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if didn't speak.
If I didn't let the water fall through hydrated lips.
Would my lips dry out like the desert they will someday become,
Or will they go unchanged because people only hear and see what they want?
Sometimes I wonder why I try to make everyone happy.
Dodging left and right to sweep up pieces that have shattered
From people who think they don't matter,
But do in my eyes...
Sometimes I think about who my real friends are...
If I have any to begin with...
Because words are so different now,
And I've been used by them,
Abused by them.
Hurt by words I didn't even know the meaning of...
Because how is a seven year old supposed to know
That 'bitch' is supposed to hurt you.
That 'deformed' is not supposed to be taking as a compliment.
That all the words that came from the older kids
Were supposed to beat me down until I was nothing,
Until I became what the words were...
I became so dependent on how others saw me.
I refused to wear shorts because I got called fat.
I can't look in the mirror without being disgusted because I've been called ugly.
I wish I had money for lip injections because of the many comments,
and jokes my small mouth as been the punchline of.
Well this small mouth has a huge voice!
My "Beak" will not define my second grade self.
My nonexistent lips will shout until they are found.
Sometimes I wonder is living worth it...
Is waking to see the sun and not black and white an accomplishment.
Is having a loving family a blessing.
Does this body I was given deserve sleep and food.
Should I continue to live....
And the answer...
Is yes.
7/27/17
2:17 AM
