my thoughts

#2

This is depressing, I don't even know what else I can describe this matter. I feel like I'm being cheated, being hidden in the dark. It's all fine when you still have no fucking clue, but when you finally realized that the person that you loved and you cared so much lied to you, what worse is when you confront the person she or he still denies the fact. I mean bitch, I already know, don't you feel ashamed and guilty of lying to me? Where is your fucking conscience? Then it made me feel like I wish I hadn't known the truth from the start.

Well, recently I found out my best friend A was dating someone, an ex-classmate of mine, let's just call him B. I wasn't as close to B as I was in the past when we were in the same class, actually me, A and B are in the same class in the past but now I changed to another class. So now, A and B are in the same class, they act like a couple in the class. Everyone was like shipping them like crazy, me too, because their actions and interactions are too intimate for a close friend or best friends. I and my other friends would always ask A if they're dating, but she always says no. We joked around and eventually forgot about it for a while. 

But recently this week, another guy friend of mine which we shall name him C was taking a bus home. On his way back, he saw A and B on the streets together. Guess what they're doing? THEY'RE FUCKING HOLDING HANDS!! C was clever and sensible enough to take photos of them, they looked absolutely happy and delighted in the photos, like a couple. I'm not sure what happened but somehow I think C sent the photos to B, and he didn't even delete them or tell C to delete them, cause the photos were still in both B and C's phones. Another best friend of mine who was in the same class as A and B, J, was looking through B's phone one day, and she saw the photos. She was in as much shock and went to ask B what those photos meant, but he only said they're friends and holding hands doesn't mean anything. He didn't even raise any objections when J said she wanted to send those photos to her. 

Then, J told me about everything and I'm like wtf? I was in shock and disbelief, I was happy for them. They look absolutely cute together and I don't see what's wrong with that. But then J thinks that we should ask them, whether they're really together. The next day in school I went to ask, but A denied too, like B who denied too. I immediately sensed something fishy, but I didn't press further and I thought I would ask her later through phone. But when I asked her in our messages, she immediately denied and was typing in caps, which I think she was very agitated. I then screenshot the chat, and we're using Snap btw, so she could see. She was furious because I ss our chat and I sent to J, so we were a bit awkward after that.

J and I had a long convo about what we think of A and B. Well, we don't know yet, for sure, if they're dating or not, cause both the girl and boy denied the statement. But the photos wouldn't lie. We thought of the possibility of C photoshopped it but still, he doesn't have any purpose of doing it, even though C is a very annoying and bad student. It's either the couple is lying or the photos are fake. I doubt the latter, but I wouldn't want to break our friendship in forcing her and him to say it.

I know they have concerns in revealing their relationship but still, me and A are really best friends, in fact, I'm her first friend in the school. I feel that I have the rights to know the truth more than anyone else. After 4 years of friendship, why can't she tell me the truth? It's not like I will blackmail her, threaten her or do something to her. I wouldn't spread their relationship around, in fact, almost everyone knows that they have something going in between them. I have also witnessed them having a lot of contacts and they spend a lot of time chatting and talking whether in or out of the school. People who have eyes can tell that they have something just that they never say it or make it official. 

What's worse, is that when I knew that they're dating, they still denied it. I mean, I have the proof, why do you want to lie in front of my face? I was giving her chances over and over again, and she was just pissed off because I kept pestering her and chasing her around for answers. I don't care what other people say about you, I just want to hear the words of confirmation from you, is it that difficult? If you really don't want to expose your relationship to me, then you better have a damn good reason why. Throughout this 4 years, I was trying so hard not to let myself explode because I may ruin our friendship. I hadn't had a decent friendship in the past so I really cherish this friendship. I threw away my pride, my temper, my stubbornness, I'm the first on to give in, to apologize, yet now you're showing me that I've wasted all my efforts in protecting this friendship. You're like laughing at me for being an idiot for the past 4 years, because I feel like a total idiot now.

I still have a little hope left, that small tiny hope on you. I hope you will tell me soon. If you don't, I have no idea what should I say to you anymore.