My Bathroom Reflection

I use to dread becoming an adult. The idea of paying bills, filing for taxes, and having a job would send me into a full blown anxiety attack.

You don't realize how close you are until your first day at your first job. The environment is completely and utterly new, and the people make it look all so easy but it's not.

My first job was waitressing. I told myself I could do it.

No you can't. You're weak, they'll pity you.

I took a deep breath, I'll do fine.

No.

Yes.

No.

Be quiet!

My hands began to sweat so I wiped them on my mandatory black pants. My hair was pulled up into a bun, no longer hiding my face behind its curtain. I felt vulnerable...and stupid, I told myself who needs to hide behind their hair?

You. You're weak.

I swallowed back my pain and smiled. The fake, happy kind. My hands were shaking and my steps were slow but at least I was smiling right... right?

People are so cruel.

It's not them, it's you. You always mess up!

I don't mean to.

But you do! Look at them, they hate you. You're slow, you're ugly, you're just not good enough.

When it happens, it happens. Your point boils over and you can't escape it's wrath. My eyes began to water, my breath came out sharp but I couldn't breathe!

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah..I just need to-"

I couldn't even get my next words out before my panic attack crashed in like the waves on the sand and I ran. I really didn't know where but I ended up in the bathroom. I hastily pulled my hair from the tie, it fell in my face in mass clumps of waves hiding me from my reflection.

But I knew what was behind it. A weak, sad girl.

That's right.

I looked up and that's all I saw. I saw bloodshot eyes staring back at me that I couldn't even recognize. I didn't even know the girl in front of me, her face was blotchy and tears swam across her face.
My hands gripped the old, bronze faucet so tightly my knuckles turned white as my skin stretched around the bones in my hands.

I felt sick.

You should be.

I didn't know what happened in that moment staring into the mirror at my reflection but something clicked, I focused in and took a breath.

This is not who I am.

Oh, but it is.

Shut up!

I didn't see what I once did but I saw something new. Like seeing a mountain with far off terrain, so far your eyes couldn't see anymore. I saw her looking back at me, like a baby looks at her mother.

And I could take a breath. So deep and so wonderful like it was my first breath or maybe my last.

This isn't over. You'll be back.

I smiled, no I won't. Goodbye, reflection.