..a shell holding this broken, bruised soul. She is the mere reflection of every single thing that has been thrown at her. She herself refuses to break, but the idea isn't sounding too bad nowadays. She envies the people who only deal with all of five seconds of the pain she endures every second of every minute of every hour of EVERY DAY in her life. She thinks they have it easy. She knows they have it easy. She would give anything to trade lives with a person whose smile never leave me the face.
She can't fathom how her life, her beautiful, bubbly and stress free life, dipped into this dark pit and never managed to resurface. From rejection, to losses, to being ignored is just one jab after another. What's surprising is that it's come from people who she thought she never receive pain from. She tries her damn hardest to smile and laugh as if nothing can break her. But behind that is pieces held fragile together like ripped paper held loosely by scotch office tape.
As one piece is put back together of her broken spirit, another two fall off in her path to recovery. Just as she makes progress. She is now forced to turn around to look at every single demon laughing in her face at her repeated defeat. She is taunted by them, their voices, their aura. Each time she's reminded of pathetic she is, how she isn't worthy, how she won't get too far before she's knocked down yet again. She's desperately tried to block it out and be "positive". But positivity hasn't been in her cards for months.
All her friends can do is offer kinds words, reassuring quotes even. Some claim they know how she feels. But NO ONE will ever understand the amount of anxiety and defeat she is burdened with 24/7. Hell even 25/8. She'd try to explain it but no one would get it. How could they? They've never walked a day in her shoes.
She can remember a time where she was living the best life she could. It seemed so surreal. She couldn't believe it. Had the love of her life on one side of her, great friends on the other. She was all smiles and nothing could ruin that day. It was her birthday. Her friends and her boyfriend accompanied her after school to their usual yet unofficial hang out spot downtown. The day was perfect and she'd give anything to relive it from the minute she opened her eyes that morning to the minute she closed them that night. But she can't. And that tears her apart even more than humanly legal. Why is that?
Her memories are so close and vivid but the people are so distant and blurry. They aren't the same and she's disappointed. She longs for a day and not wanting to cry. She longs for a day where her smile isn't forced. She longs for a day where hate isn't even in her vocabulary. She wants to have that glow again. She wants to have a bounce in her step again & not a ounce of evil in her presence. She keeps saying she refuses to reach out to a person who would treat her like this but of course, that isn't true. She fights herself not to but the kind of mindset and heart she has won't let her neglect someone whom she still to this day holds close to her heart. She wants to laugh without having an uneasy feeling in her stomach thereafter. When will that happen?
No one would really know why she is the way she is. Mainly because they don't care. One individual she thought would never betray her in a million years broke her beyond belief. There are things that this person kept from her and it was meant to never be brought up. Simply because it wasn't an intentional event but shouldn't of happened nonetheless. Finding out from a person other than them honestly broke her confidence. It broke her mind. She thought this too shall pass and...and that things would get better. For her. For him. For them. Is there a reason for her to want to try? Is it wrong?
After it happened, She got scared. Not because of what happened one the past, but because of what was happening right in front of her eyes. He was changing. And she could see it. It pained her everyday and every night. She became more attached & dependent; clingy if you will. Why? Because she was frightened. Frightened because something, someone she came to love, came to cherish, came to feel protective over would toss her away. She was worried that he'd be hers that night & gone the next day. But eventually that feeling passed and things got better. Did she really believe they were better?
