After You

Jess

Alfie,

It'd be easy for me to feel smug. In my last letter, I compared Willow to the sort of washing detergent that makes your skin itch, and just as I started to feel bad for it, she's gone and cheated on you. I mean, as much as you can cheat on a dead person.

Happy birthday Alfie, eh? What a way to commemorate the boy you claimed to be in mad, intense, star-crossed love with. Of all the coping mechanisms she could have chosen, kissing her dead boyfriend's best friend is certainly novel.

I sound smug, but I'm not. I'm furious.

The rest of us saw from the start that Finn had his eyes on Willow, and that Willow wasn't exactly stopping her own eyes from wandering to Finn. Okay, I'll say it bluntly – the two of them wanted to rip each others' clothes off, and did a pretty crap job of hiding it from everyone except you. You were always blind to it. For a long time, I thought it was because Willow and Finn could do no wrong in your eyes.

Now I'm wondering if that's really the case.

Maybe it's the anger speaking; the pure, unbridled anger at seeing Willow pick herself up and get on with her life when the rest of us are struggling. I'm angry at Finn too, I suppose, but it's not like he made any real commitment to you. Willow was your girlfriend. Can you get over the death of the person you love in the space of three months? I'm not sure I could do it, but I suppose I'm nothing like Willow. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't cheat on him.

I'm not talking about kissing Finn now that you're gone. I'm talking about what happened before. I'm not sure I believe that flirty glances and coy smiles are all that passed between them when you were alive. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if you already knew all of this. Did you know what was going on between them?

Is that why you did it?

I'm not about to start throwing accusations around, I promise, but I can't pretend the thought hasn't crossed my mind. I spoke to Max for the first time in weeks earlier today, and he confessed that he had the same suspicion. If it's not just me being crazy, and two of us have wondered about it, it's not beyond the realms of possibility for it to be true, is it?

So for all of Willow's very public grieving; all the whimpering and wailing in the middle of class and sharing that sickening letter on her Facebook, she's just trying to cover up her guilt. She knows exactly what she did, and exactly what it did to you.

Maybe I should make sure everyone else knows, too.

Jess