Too Damaged For Help

Letter to Stepfather

Who knew that a letter of forgiveness to my stepfather for all the years of sexual abuse would start me on the road to forgiving myself.

A good counselor told me to write a letter of forgiveness to him.  I thought, why the hell would I do that?  She said, "all that time you were punishing yourself by losing jobs, using drugs, prostitution, stealing, living on the street, eating out of garbage cans, where was your stepfather"?   I said at home and she said, "yes, in a nice comfy home.  The abuser had food to eat, a shower, all the amenities of life.  Where were you, the victim, dying on the street"?   Her words hit me square in my stomach and head.  I got it...I finally got it.

The letter was written October 15, 2002, one day before my 42nd birthday:

My stepfather,

I want to thank you for your gifts.  Especially your gifts of guilt, shame, distrust, loneliness, fear, isolation, hate, anger, hurt, disgust, gloom, worry, sadness, confusion, frustration, embarrassment, discouragement, self-loathing, inferiority, detachment, vulnerability, abandonment, insecurity and the sheer burden of it all.

I had no childhood.  No idea who I was or am.  No sense of security.  No sense of family.  No idea how to proceed in life.  No idea how to ask for help.  I've lived my entire life running, from what I had no idea.  I now know.  It was from all the gifts you gave me.

Now it's my turn to give you gifts.  I give you all the guilt, shame, distrust, loneliness, fear, isolation, hate, anger, hurt, disgust gloom, worry, sadness, confusion, frustration, embarrassment, discouragement, self-loathing, inferiority, detachment, vulnerability, abandonment, insecurity and the sheer burden of it all.  I no longer want these gifts.  I no longer have any use for them.  May they bring you the quality of life in which they brought me.

I do forgive you though and give these gifts back so that I can finally forgive myself.