Smile ♡

i'm scared of death.

- An Important/Personal Message To My Readers, Followers, Friends, Family And Everyone Else -
(May sound like inspirational bullshit but this is me)

I'm scared of death.

I always have been.

I'm scared of being on my death bed, knowing I'm about to leave people I have effected - scared to leave without a purpose or impact.

This morning I was watching Markiplier. I tumbled upon videos, mashups, clips, of him saying that he believes in us. In you, in me.

That there's people out there he's never met, never seen, never heard of that are gone and he cares.

How he wishes he could know all 18 million of us personally and that he can't, which is painful because he wants to.

I kept going through it all, and kept finding motivational things.

It was like I was struck by lightning. I got out of bed, changed into shorts and a tank top, and started working out. At 10 am, and my workout alarm goes off at 5 - alarm because I never do it. I listened to those videos and worked out for 10-20 minutes.

Then I got up with another bolt of lightning, and grabbed my sketch book. I walked around the house looking for rulers, erasers, pencils. I wrote hundreds of words - copied from the videos - on a page, put lines on another page, grabbed my journal, and grabbed a large canvas.

I started on the canvas, and my skin started to itch and welt (probably from working out and not showering + allergies from pollen) so I got up, grabbed some workout clothes and got in the shower.

I hopped in earlier than normal, got out earlier than normal, and immediately dried off and got dressed instead of sitting there for an hour to dry off. I brushed my hair, put in product, and sat back at the table. I don't remember ever being this productive on a summer day.

And that is what hit me.

Listening to the lyrics of the videos, and reflecting.

And I realize. . . I'm not as I've said I always am.

I'm creative, confident inspiring, helpful, etc. Yes, I am.

But I also lie, make excuses, give in to fear and embarrassment and society.

I get embarrassed easily, I make excuses all the time.

"My inhaler is why I don't get an A+ in PE."
"I forgot."
"I had to do this."
"I don't want to."
"I fell asleep."

That's the easy way out. And I'm done with that.

I am done making excuses. I am done caring what people think about my style or my makeup or my hair or my interests or my personality. I'm done not doing things because I'm afraid.

I'm 15. I wear heels most days, I have a job now, I'm opening a bank account, I'm learning to drive.

And I'm just done with feeling like I'm not enough. I'm done feeling powerless and like I can shatter at any moment.

From this point on, I'm being me. Fully me.

I'm still going to inspire people. But it won't be what my life is devoted to.

I'm actually going to get working on my YouTube channel instead of saying "I'll do it when I'm 16."

I'm going to try new things.

I'm going to learn to drive, sew, design, do makeup better, and expand my art skills.

I'm done with my comfort zone.

I'm scared of death.

But it's what gives life meaning - knowing that your days are numbered and you have to give them all you have.

Which is what I'm going to live by now. Every day of my life.

I'm going to squeeze every drop of experience from life, in going to stay motivated and I'm going to do everything I'm scared of doing.

I'm scared of death.

So I'm going to live.