Please Stay (Kazer)

Drowning

I don't know what to do anymore or where my parents are even bringing me. I can't go back to that apartment knowing that Jonny will never live there anymore. I can't go anywhere that Jonny had ever been.

From the backseat of my car, I felt extremely lost. Who will be my rock now? Where do I go from here? What now? How could this happen to me? When will this ever make sense? Can I get over this? Am I strong enough to play hockey again without him?

Like the questions that flew throughout my screaming brain, so did bright street lights that we passed. Both of them together makes me realize that I'm starting a new journey, but this one will have to be without Jonny.

How will the team find out? I bet Q will call an early meeting to break this terrible news. Most likely most will already know because of the reports or their family members called them to tell them the sad news. I wish I was that lucky, not knowing until morning. I would have one more easy sleeping night without a worry. I could lay my head on my pillow believing without a doubt that Jonny will wake up since he was a fighter. What happened to that?

We passed Jonny's and mine favorite bar to party in after a big win or something exciting. How many nights we stumbled out of those doors laughing our heads off because of all of the liquor that we consumed. And all of the times that we puked in the alley next door since it always seemed no matter how much we went out, someone wouldn't be able to stomach all of it. Also the times where I was so wasted that Jonny was alone practically carrying me out of those door.

Even at a bar, there was so many good memories. Every place we pass, I see a memory of Jonny. I had always said that I loved Chicago, but really I don't love the city itself. It was always because of him. This was our city. The city that we conquered everyday, and we did that together. Chicago isn't just the Windy City, but it's the city of me and Jonny, Kaner and Tazer.

Quickly I closed my eyes trying to forget everything. I must be in the middle of a terrible nightmare because this could never happen. Fate could never do this!

Any moment now, I'll wake up with my head on Jonny's bare chest. He'd already be awake playing with my curls to keep himself entertained while I got some more shut eye. Once he realized that I'm awake, he would bend down and kiss my curls as he said, "Good Morning." We lay there talking since neither of us wanted to get up, but once Jonny's alarm goes blaring, he would try to get up. I, however, hold on tight to him asking if we could stay there for five more minutes. He would just laugh and kiss my forehead before he climbed out to take a shower.

I would at that moment fall back asleep waiting for Jonny to get a new idea on how to wake me up. He did love to pick me up and throw me into a freezing cold shower. That usually, always, got the reaction that he wanted, me swearing at him. Life was always interesting with that guy.

When I felt the car stopped, my eyes snapped open. I didn't see Jonny, or felt someone playing with my curls, or little kisses. I saw my dark car parked outside a sketchy hotel. My parents left me alone while they did the things that they needed to do.

Instantly, my eyes fluttered shut again trying to go back to the real, right world. The one that Jonny was still there with his Captain Serious demeanor at the rink and the one that loved me with all of his heart no matter what problems I caused.

"I drive!" Jonny's voice yelled as clear as day. Those two little words made me smile.

"No, your driving sucks! I want to get there in one piece!" I always yelled back at him laughing. "You got in way too many accidents!"

He always 'choked' at that. "You are a way worse driver than me! Eh, you have way more tickets than me!"

We just went back and forth, and the person who drove was determined by who got into the driver's seat first. Jonny usually won.

"Patrick, honey," my mom's voice interrupted my thoughts. "Why don't you come in so you can get some sleep?" Her voice was soft like usual, but there was something else in it that I didn't recognize. Usually, she's the symbol of calm, but I could tell she was on edge.

I didn't answer her. I just climbed out and followed her while my dad parked my car somewhere.

She lead me up couple flights of stairs and down a long hallway before she unlocked a room and lead me inside. I followed her slowly in before I sat on the foot of the bed that was by the window, Jonny's bed.

"I'll let you get some sleep. Your father and I are right through the side door. Come over if you need anything," she said, but I wasn't listening. I was too busy staring at the wall in front of me. I take it that she left after that, but I have no clue. When I finally moved, all I knew was that she was finally gone.

I sat there for God knows how long. My mind hadn't quit racing since the hospital. I didn't know how to take my mind off of everything, but for the first couple of hours my body was too numb to move.

When I finally moved, I glanced at the clock that read 5:38. Jonny has been gone for that long. Jonny... And just like that all of my tears unfroze and streamed down my face. Oh my Jonny!

Some time later, I got up and grabbed the remote trying to clear my mind. The channel that was on right away was ESPN. Instantly they were talking about the very topic that I didn't want to listen to, but I did anyway.

"Early this morning, around midnight, Chicago Blackhawk's superstar Captain, Jonathan Toews, died after he got hit by a car late yesterday afternoon. He died at the age of twenty-eight. Once the news broke the Blackhawks and the Oilers decided to postpone their game that was supposed to be played today at 5:06 eastern time to tomorrow. This news in a tragedy for not only Chicago, but also the whole hockey and sports community. He will forever be known one of the best captains and how serious he was."

The guy continued, "In his lifetime, Toews won three Stanley Cups with the Blackhawks and a two time gold medalist in the Olympics for Team Canada. There has been no statements made at this time, but we will keep you informed."

As soon as the guys was done talking, the T.V. changed to the best plays that he had made in his career. I watched the video as pasted Jonny made several amazing plays, and I was even in some of them. But it didn't matter if I was in the play or not, I remember every one of those moments. I always paid attention to him playing no matter what.

The video ended with a video of 2010 Olympics winning gold, me jumping into his arms after we won the Stanley Cup in 2010, our group celebration in 2013, 2014 Olympics, and finally the 2015 Stanley Cup.

After that I didn't watch anymore television. I laid my head against the headboard as I thought about Jonny and hockey.