7 Shades of Sin

Envy

     Envy has a plan. Oh, boy, does she have one. See, since this contest is her idea, there's no way she can lose. Not an option.
     Oh, how she loathes Anger, with his brazenness and loud, rude remarks. She despises Lust, who clouds minds and hides ugly truths with her endearments. She hates Vanity for her complete and utter devotion to herself. She detests Greed for her mindless obsessions and her bottomless desires. She abhors Gluttony and his expensive taste, his disgusting appetite. She dislikes Sloth and his unwillingness to live, scorns his lack of drive.
     They're all not worthy of their titles.
     But Envy is. Envy, who is rotten and jealous to the core.
     She has the patience and the motivation to fully commit to this. She chooses a small child huddled in his bed at the local orphanage. He has jet black hair and wide, pale green eyes that are closed as he sleeps. They're an interesting shade that contrast with his hair. She peers down at him, watching as he sneezes in his sleep, reminding her of a small kitten.
     For a second, she has an inexplicable urge to whisk this fragile little child away from this cruel world and shelter him from the horrors. It's not an easily defined feeling, not one hundred percent maternal or motherly, or even purely protective.
     It's more a wish to be able to call this little boy hers. In return, he calls to her. She sees herself reflected in him. There's that sour taste in his mouth when he watches other children leaving with their new families. There's always that small voice inside him that cries out, "why not me?"
     He's sure he could love them to the moon and back and be the ideal kid, if only they'd give him a chance. People always come in looking for quiet, loving girls or rambunctious boys or the kind of children that just have that natural charm that attracts grownups like flies.
     Most don't spare more than a glance at the boy. As Envy hovers over him like a blanket, she learns that the people here call him Samuel. Sam for short. His story is a classic one: abandoned as a baby in a basket on a doorstep, except his basket was a cardboard box lined with a few pillows.
     That baby grew into this boy of five years old. He's already been through more than the average kid his age has and there's a certain weathered look about him, like he's a war veteran. A five year old war veteran.
     Envy can predict a life full of hardships and burdens, all weighed down on this tiny child's shoulders. It'll be tough. And with that thought, she decides that little Sam will have her guidance from here on out. She'll be the shoulder he cries on and she'll be his solid rock to lean on. The one he can always fall back on.
     And so she snuggles into the back of his mind with a few comforting words and he shifts in his sleep with a slight sigh.
     Throughout the years, Envy acts as his guardian. She's sure some of the deadly sins, Anger, for instance, would try to take control by force. Others, like Vanity, will try to create something that isn't there. But Envy will manipulate her way to the top.
     She's cunning and lurks in the shadows like a snake, waiting to strike. She feeds on Sam's doubts and insecurities and encourages him to desire what others have. She likes to think that she understands him more than anyone else in the world.
     There are some strange things he does, however, that leave her confused. His strange habits and mannerisms. The things he does that don't seem normal.
     As he grows older, he keeps his hair long and ties it up sometimes. He spends long periods of time staring, posing, and frowning at his reflection in the mirror. He asks girls questions about how it feels to be one and sometimes, they tell him that the question is too vague. What does he mean, how does it feel to be a girl? It feels natural. It feels right.
     Others just laugh or sneer and call him a pervert.
     He always leaves even more confused. At first, Envy dismisses these as an attempt to learn about the world, but then he starts to worry her. And that's saying something. She's a deadly sin. She's not supposed to be 'worried.'
     Sam asks other boys if their genitals ever bother them. If it ever doesn't feel right. His friend, Preston, says, "dude, what do you mean by that?" They stare at him as if he's crazy so he drops the subject, even though he doesn't get his answer.
     After a girl slaps him for asking, "what do your boobs feel like?", Sam stops talking about forbidden topics like that. He gets it. He's different. But he also doesn't want to be crazy on top of that, so he stays silent and buries his discomfort.
     Sometimes, he feels like shedding his skin, because it all feels so…wrong. He feels like screaming at the top of his lungs because he doesn't know what the hell is wrong with him. Envy has an idea why he's not like the others.
     Sam is transgender.
     He was born into the wrong body, trapped in the wrong gender. But it'll be awhile before Sam accepts the idea.
     For the time being, he pretends to like the things his friends like. Girls and violence, and the occasional poetry the shy guy blurts out. Sam thinks his name is something like Terrence. Terrence is different too, so maybe they can be outcasts together. But then again, Terrence is decidedly and most definitely male.
     Sam hides his weird hobbies that somehow have started to include cross-dressing of sorts. Sometimes he wraps towels around his waist, not to keep decent, but to act like it's a skirt. He braids his hair to keep calm and to block out the jealousy he feels when couples' eyes skim right over him.
     No one understands. No one can explain to Sam what these urges mean. No one can tell him why he looks at female models in magazines, stolen from various places, not because he finds them attractive, but because maybe, just maybe…he wants to be them.
     No. That's not right. He doesn't want to be beautiful or handsome, in the way others do. He just wants to look like the women who have big, confident smiles because they're not confused or ashamed.
     He's jealous of the kids around him, even though they're all in the same boat: without parents. At least they're sure of one thing. Their gender.
     He doesn't even have that one thing. Day after day, night after night, Sam drags himself through his daily routine. The children around him come and go, and it seems like he's the only one who's growing older. Even Terrence, with his weird poetry loving, quote spouting ass gets picked by some equally pretentious woman.
     It isn't until he's almost ten does a middle aged Asian couple finally come around and see him. Sure, they look at angelic Remy first, with his blond curls and dimples, but then they turn and see him. Sam's pretty much given up by now, and he sits in the corner, drawing designs on his hand.
    Maybe it's the way his mouth is set, or the defeat in his green eyes, but they see him and they notice him. And he keeps their attention. At first, it doesn't feel real. Not when they come over and introduce themselves--Mr. and Mrs. Lin, or mom and dad if he wants. Not when they ask him how he'd like to go home and live with them. Not even when they're signing the papers.
     It's not until he's seated in the car, fiddling with his thumbs, and they ask, "Are you ready to go home, Samuel?", does he really accept that it's finally happening.
     And then the only thing he can think of to say is, "It's just Sam."
     They laugh, and Mrs. Lin says, "Okay, Just Sam."
     He wants to correct her again, before realizing that it's a joke. Oh. He hasn't heard many jokes that aren't degrading or at the expense of anyone. That makes him trust her, and by extension, her husband.
     The Lins have a five year old girl with bright brown eyes and a happy smile. Sam has dull green eyes and a frown on his face when he sees her. He thought he'd be the only kid in the household and that, for once, he'd met a family that could give him their undivided attention.
     But no, there has to be another kid. An adorable one at that. Sam feels the corners of lips turn down. Why did they even adopt him? They have a child already. Is he just their community project?
     He doesn't ask, however, so they don't answer. They do, however, tell him that their baby girl's name is Grace and that they hope he'll be a good big brother to her.
     Before he can stop himself, Sam blurts out, "Actually, I think I'd be a good big sister."
     There's a silent pause, punctuated with meaningful looks between Mr. and Mrs. Lin, both of whom he'd already started referring to as 'Mom' and 'Dad.' Sam freezes as well. Has he blown it? He doesn't think they want a kid who's as confused, maybe broken, as he is. Maybe they'll take him back. He doesn't want to go back.
     He feels tears well up in his eyes and as the first one falls, Mrs. Lin--Mom--sweeps him into her arms and says, "Okay, Just Sam. You'll be a good big sister." And then he's crying relieved tears because they sort of maybe do understand, just a little, and that maybe 'Just Sam' can be her special  nickname for him.
     He wants to be special to her. More than stupid Grace with her small hand patting his back and those chocolatey brown eyes tilted down in sympathy. It doesn't help that he loves chocolate and it's not fair that she gets the pretty eyes and he gets the weird hair-and-eye color combination. 
     Still, he manages to keep these jealous thoughts inside his head and not outside his mind. He has a feeling that this new family won't like him as much if he tells them that he wants Grace to go away. Grace, who apparently goes by Gracie Baby, even though nicknames are supposed to be shorter than their actual names.
     Like Sam for Samuel.
     Envy winds herself like a snake around his inner thoughts, creeping slowly up on him so he's not fully aware of her. Sometimes, jealousy comes in quick bursts, leaving Sam seething and bitter inside. Most of it is centered around the annoyingly perfect Grace.
     Throughout the years, as they both grow older, it becomes apparent that Grace is the golden child while Sam is the anomaly. She's pretty, gets good grades, and of course, participates in every after school and extracurricular activity possible. He's still different in school, and he sticks out like a sore thumb.
     On Parent's Night, when he's twelve, every student walks into the classroom holding hands with a parent. They all come in matching sets, like teacups or matryoshka dolls. Except for Sam. Sam, with his weird green eyes, large nose, and too tan skin.
     He hears the whispers that are supposed to be quiet. Some kids blatantly stare at his mom putting her arm around him. He feels his cheeks heat up as someone points at him, and their mother hastily pushes their hand down with a hurried, "Jessie, that's rude!"
     Sam never feels comfortable in his own skin anymore for countless reasons. He's physically different and, he supposes, mentally different. He feels like he's trapped, like he's caught inside a cage, but he doesn't know what the key is.
     Maybe it's because he doesn't look like his mom or dad or Grace. Maybe it's because he's adopted, but he suspects it's more than that. There's more to it. Ever since he can remember, he's felt uncomfortable when people call him a boy.
     But there's nothing wrong with that, right? People like the opposite gender, so why can't people want to be the opposite gender? Sam freezes, right in the middle of his teacher's monologue on lessons they'd be covering. Is that it, then?
     Does he want to be a girl? No, he doesn't want to. Because…because he is one. Sam isn't a boy. And then the thought is ringing so loud in his head that it drowns out everyone's voice, and the ground swims before his eyes.
     How can he be a girl when certain parts of his anatomy tell him very clearly he's a boy? Nature says it's not possible. That must mean that he's delusional, right? But now that Sam's thought of the idea, it won't leave his head.
     The thought repeats itself like a mantra. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. Samuel Lin is a girl.
     His mom must have noticed that something isn't right, because she says, "Sammy, are you alright?"
     "Mom…" He whispers. "I'm so confused."
     "With the curriculum? I'll help you--"
     "No. With myself. I don't know who I am."
     Her gaze softens, and she smiles that smile only mothers can give. "You're my baby boy, of course."
     The smile fades when he says, "But I'm a girl, mom." The confession churns their relationship, along with Sam's stomach. His mother pauses, her mouth slightly agape.
     And then she says those words. Those horrible words. "Oh, honey, it's just a phase. Or…or a disorder. I know you're confused, Sammy, but we'll get through this, okay?" It's just as Sam thought. She doesn't understand. But now is not the time or place to argue about his/her gender, so he/she drops it.
     However, regardless of what anybody thinks, Sam starts identifying as a girl a few weeks later, and Samuel becomes Samantha. She is a female, and no penis is going to take that away from her. At first, people think it's a joke. She isn't serious, is she?
     Of course, her parents think it's all an elaborate prank and that they'll wake up one morning to a normal Sam again. This is all an incredibly realistic dream, or nightmare, if you will. Ever since Sam's declaration, her father can't look at her the same way again. Her mother forces all her smiles now.
     Surprisingly, Grace, with all her seven years of wisdom, seems to understand the most. It's not that she one-hundred-percent gets it--in fact, she's asked her sister if she's transgender because she prefers dresses over slacks--but she's the most willing to accept the fact that Sam isn't normal.
     Big brother has become big sister, but Grace thinks that Sam herself hasn't changed much, except for the fact that she seems to be more happy with herself. There's a new bounce to her step and her strange green eyes have lost some of their dullness. It's like watching a butterfly coming out of its chrysalis.
     Fascinating. A little alien, almost. But certainly beautiful and life-changing.
     The problem is, their parents don't think it's remotely inspiring. They think that it's a shameful and unnatural thing. Most people agree. While her confession has set her free, it has also shunned her. Now people have an excuse to spread rumours about Sam.
     They always knew she was weird, wasn't to be trusted. Her parents feel cheated and tricked. The boy they thought they'd adopted is a girl after all. They almost regret it. Now Grace has a bad influence.
     If Sam thought she was different before, she's even more excluded now. There was a momentary release from announcing her gender, but now, the feeling of wrongness is unbelievably overwhelming.
     Now that she knows that she should have a girl's body,  the knowledge of being aware she's confined in a boy's body makes her want to cut off her genitals. Furthermore, barely any people truly acknowledge the fact that she identifies as a girl, not a boy.
     Until she can get reassignment surgery, she's stuck with people assuming her gender. Worse, her mother and father act like she has some sort of disease.
     Once, Sam overhears her mother crying to her father, saying things like, "Why? He was such a bright child and he had so much potential! Why must he have these delusional thoughts?"
     Her father says, "He doesn't belong. He's going to put ideas into Gracie's head! We can't let that happen," unaware of Sam's tears and the growing monster in her stomach.
     That monster is Envy, clawing up her throat like bile, making her retch. Amidst the hurt and anger, Sam feels the green-headed creature rearing its ugly head and causing her to clench her fists. The stupid sayings like, 'life isn't fair,' have got no idea what it's really like to lead a life where it seems like everything and everybody is against you.
     It's an incredibly lonely feeling that leaves Sam grasping for somebody to help her. To be there for her. It feels like she's standing in a pitch black room that has no windows or doors, no way to escape. She's reaching out for help, for someone to give her a light and grab her hand, but there's no one.
     All the while, she's aware that next door, Gracie Baby is fawned after and pampered. Grace has a golden throne, built from her parents' adoration and the admiration of her classmates and teachers. The throne illuminates the room, but none of the light is shed on Sam's desperate face.
     She is forgotten.
     Lost.
     Not good enough. It's not fair. Sam has gotten nothing but misery in her short life. Her biological parents didn't want her and now her adoptive parents won't look her in the eye. She's a broken ragdoll of a girl, tossed into the air too many times and caught too few. Because there's nobody that will catch her if she falls.
     Sam vows to never fall.
     She swallows her envy everytime she sees Grace, who seems to seek her out more and more. Grace is either clueless or she doesn't care about all the bristling signs Sam gives her to stay away. She insists on asking her everyday how her day was and if she wants to do anything together.
     It's incredibly aggravating and it's all Sam can do to quit from wringing the younger girl's neck. Does she not know how much it hurts to look at her and see nothing but the only child their parents will ever love? Does she not know how bitter Sam's mouth tastes when she giggles and gives their mom a giant hug? To see it returned with equal enthusiasm?
     Sam is sick of Grace's dimpled smile and shiny black hair. She hates every aspect her sister, from the giant red A's on the tests she brings home, to the beautiful music she plays on the cello. It's not Sam's fault that she can't memorize anything and she's not even remotely talented in the musical department.
     But now, instead of 'Good job, Sammy,' or 'I love it, Just Sam,' it's 'Come on, Sam, can you just try a little harder?'
     She hears, 'Look at Gracie. She got second place in region competition!' The one thing that brings her joy, art, is never appreciated. Her mother still smiles when she sees the landscape portrait Sam brings home, but she tucks it behind a stack of photographs and forgets about it in a few days. Grace's sketch gets framed all nice and neat, and it's hung from the wall in the family room.
     Sam forces herself not to think about Grace too much when she has her brushes or pencils, because she has a nasty habit of accidentally snapping them when she clutches them too hard. It takes a great deal of begging to get her mother to buy new ones.
     Over the years, Envy fades into a malicious force occupying a part of her mind day in and day out. Envy rarely takes action anymore. She's learned that the greatest damage can be inflicted over time, so she practices her patience and allows Sam to more or less normally live her life.
     Sam doesn't know how she makes it through the next few years, what with the constant urge to mutilate her genitals and the nonstop gnawing at her stomach when she's at home. To tame the monster in her gut, Sam stays away from home more and more, only coming home when she can't stay away any longer.
     At first, this concerns her mother and father greatly, and they question if this is a side effect of being…transgender. They can't bring themselves to say the word out loud and her father refuses to recognize it as a real issue.
     Her mother receives advice from a few friends that tell her it's normal for teenagers to drift away from their parents, but she doesn't like it. The overprotective part of her is in overdrive all the time, both for Sam and Grace.
     The truth is, she'll love Sam both as a girl and a boy, but she's as conflicted as her child is. How does one breach the very sensitive topic of Sam's gender? As a mother, she feels that she is much more knowledgeable about things in the world, but this is a situation in which she doesn't feel she can just say, "You're going to be a boy because I told you so."
     To keep these cluttered, complicated thoughts out of her head, she focuses, instead, on Grace. Grace, who is safe. Grace, who she gave birth to and can confirm her gender. She doesn't know how to bring Sam closer to her because it's true that she doesn't fully understand what it means to be transgender.
     It seems to her that Sam is only a girl because she says so.
     It's unnatural. It's not normal or right.
     Sam, meanwhile, saves all of her money and avoids answering her mother's questions about what she'll spend it all on. By age sixteen, she has a few thousand dollars at her disposal, earned through jobs for neighbors and allowances.
     By eighteen, she has enough for her reassignment surgery. She's going to get it, whether her parents approve or not. They don't, for the record.
     Her mother and father have done everything to convince her that she's delusional. That must be good parenting, right? Choosing to make your child believe they're crazy instead of accepting the fact that they're different. But it's the only way they believe they can help their kid.
     Meanwhile, Sam's jealousy grows everyday. She grows from a fractured child to a warped young adult. Envy doesn't just influence her actions. She doesn't even control her. Envy and Sam are one. They belong to and depend on each other.
     Sometimes, Sam feels an uncontrollable urge to rip out Grace's pretty, pretty eyes and stick them in her own face. Steal her charming smile and her charisma. It's ridiculous. Sam is five years older than Grace is. They're not even in the same league. But that doesn't matter.
     Grace could be a sweet, loving angel (she is) and Sam would still hate her guts. After all, if Grace were just a bit less perfect, maybe Sam would actually like her. Out of all the people she knows, Grace has been the most supportive of her. At thirteen, Grace has many opinions about the world, one of them being Sam's gender.
     Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she was only seven when Sam started identifying as a different gender, but her older sister has always seemed like she was meant to be a girl. It's not easy to explain. It doesn't really have anything to do with her preference for long hair or the color choices she makes.
     But Grace has always felt there was something off about Sam until she said she was a girl. Then it was like the puzzle pieces finally clicked together and the light bulb turned on. To Grace, that light has been growing brighter to illuminate her life. Unfortunately, that same light casts Sam into the shadows.
     Sam's feelings for Grace are complicated in turn. She doesn't just purely hate her. In fact, sometimes, she finds herself thinking that maybe she can love Grace. If only she weren't so perfectly lovable. Emphasis on perfect.
     It's not fair.
     It always comes back to those three words. Always.
     Sam's jaw aches all the time because she can't help but grind her teeth. Her hands hurt from clenching so much. Her eyes or no longer dull. They don't have stars in them. They're not broken or fractured. They are poisonous and dangerous and cutting when they sweep over the world.
     With those eyes, Sam sees only the worst in her life. Everything is flawed. She can no longer smile when her mother hugs her. All she can do is compare her mother's affection towards her with the way Grace is treated.
     The feeling inside her grows and grows until not a single moment can pass without thoughts of Grace invading her mind. Grace, Grace, Grace. It's always that little brat. The one who gets the good grades effortlessly, who attracts the boys, who has their parents twisted around her finger.
     Maybe the stress is noticeable, because her mother decides that the family will go vacation in the mountains, in a little log cabin. The fresh air is supposed to clear up their minds. When Grace asks Sam to go and hike with her, their mother makes them go to 'have a little sibling time'.
     They walk higher and higher up the tree-covered landscape as Grace attempts to start a conversation. It's not working. She's trying to talk about things they have in common: test grades. The difference is that she's great at the things that Sam has struggled in, and every seemingly harmless comment chafes at Sam's ego and adds to her jealousy.
     Envy urges her to take these feelings and do something about it. They're out here alone in the woods with no cameras, no witnesses. The possibilities are endless. But Sam is determined to hang on to what little sanity she has left; besides, there are times that she can almost say that she loves Grace. However, now is not one of those times.
     As poor Grace rambles on desperately to fill in the silence, Sam grits her teeth and tries to block out her words. All she can think is, 'shut up. Just shut up. Go away.'
     If this were a story or a movie, Sam imagines the people reading or watching would be willing Grace to stop talking as well. The tension is unbelievably high and Sam feels like a rubber band stretched to her breaking point, ready to snap at any moment. By the time they reach the top of the hill, Grace is balanced on thin ice. All Sam can do is keep from throwing the rock that will spell doom.
     It's hard, though. Incredibly hard, with Envy egging her on.
     And then Grace says, "I really think you should cut mom and dad some slack," and Sam feels her back stiffen. Her body is getting ready for a fight. A fight that should but can't be avoided.
     "What do you mean?" The words come out harsh and defensive, and Grace's eyes widen.
     "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't exactly mean it like that. I just…they're adjusting. To…to everything. And I know it's hard, but--"
     "I'm a girl, Grace, even if I still look like a guy. I've been a girl my whole life and I've been identifying as one for years. How much longer should I wait for their approval?"
     Cleary uncomfortable, her sister twists her shirt in her fingers and shrugs, "Are you sure you're not just…oh, I don't know, gay?"
     There's a long silence. "Tell me, Grace. How are you so sure you're a girl?"
     "Huh? I mean, I can't really explain it. I guess…hmm, well I suppose--" she blushes. "Parts of my…anatomy tell me I'm a girl."
     "Hmm. Some of us aren't so lucky. No, I'm not gay, Grace. Nor am I confused, disgusting, or crazy." She flushes apologetically. It only makes her prettier and causes Sam to narrow her eyes. They've reached a cliff, one that hangs over rocks that jut from the ground. The sun is setting, and as the colors paint the sky, it occurs to Envy that perhaps something different is going to end today.
     "Sam? D-do you hate me?"
     "You have everything I want, Grace. You're loved and appreciated. You have a family that will love you unconditionally." Sam snarls, casting a fierce look on Grace, who looks stricken. "Yes, I hate you. Because of you, mom and dad don't love me. Nobody does."
     Grace frowns and says somewhat childishly, "Why is it my fault? If mom and dad don't love you, that's their problem, not mine or yours. I'm not doing anything. But Sam, you can't keep obsessing over things other people have. I know you haven't had a good start to life, but you can get what you want without trying to take what other people have--"
     Rage mingled with Envy courses through Sam like a riptide. "What do you know about not being loved?"
     "Please, Sam, calm down." Grace looks concerned for the first time, and her eyes dart from side to side as if she's checking for anyone. There's no one there to witness this fight. Grace doesn't know whether she feels relieved or not. "I-I'll talk to mom and dad, and…"
    There's a ringing in Sam's ears that drown out any words. Grace has practically admitted that their parents love her more. The pounding in her head is getting worse, and her arms are shaking. That's not good. Is she going to have a heart attack? What's happening to her?
     Shut up. Shut up. The thought repeats itself like a mantra, but it never passes her lips, so Grace keeps talking. Shut up.
     "Sam?" Finally, Grace stops. Her muscles are contracting and her eyes are widening, as if she can see the future. Sam is out of control. She has been pushed too far in her short life and she can only take so much. She's only human, after all.
     "Shut up!" And with that, Sam's arms shoot out and give Grace a single, hard push back. It's like in those movies with the over exaggerated moments that leave you rolling your eyes. Except it's real. Time seems to slow, and Sam can pinpoint the exact moment Grace stumbles back and her foot catches on the edge of the cliff.
     Her mouth opens slightly and she only gets one exhale in before her arms extend like wings on either side of her. Sam's own breaths come out harsh and fast, even in the moments where Grace seems to hang in the air, suspended as a small, startled cry comes from her.
     And then she's falling from the sky like a bird with a broken wing. She reaches out a hand desperately, and the one second that Sam hesitates is the moment when they both pass the point of no return. There is no scream that comes from either of them.
     The world is deadly silent, so Sam's panting is deafening. She turns from the ledge and presses her hands to her face; she can't bear to see Grace's broken form lying among the rocks. What has she done? Her hatred for Grace never came to this…right? It was an accident. A mistake.
     But that doesn't change the fact that Sam is now responsible for a death. Envy sighs and pulls her memories out. As they rush through her head, Sam remembers everything as clearly as the day they happened. It's overwhelming, the good, the bad, and the unfair.
     Since Sam is only human and she can only take so much, the only thing she can think to do is to join her sister in death's embrace. She can't face her adoptive parents, and she believes that there is no one left on this world that will love and cherish her the way she needs them to.
     Envy says her goodbyes and pulls herself away from the creature that evoked her sympathy so many years ago. She watches as Sam takes one last look at the sky streaked blood red and the sinister world the light shows. She sees a human that is sick of this cruel world.
     And then this fragile child spreads her arms and lets herself plummet.

P.S. There won't be an epilogue that wraps everything up nice and neat, so it's really just up to you. Who do you think won?