Broken

Chapter Twenty-One: Self Control

The next few days I spent at William's house. He insisted that I stayed put so anyone could visit me and not have to worry. I mean, I liked William and all, but he seemed to talk to me with so much caution that he started to bore me to death. Every other conversation he was trying to change our deal so he wouldn't have to do it.
"Jordan I was thinking maybe this was a mistake."
"Dating black girls and boys? Or not being honest about it and denying it every passing second?" I asked.
"Both. I mean, all three. I mean... Fine you got me."
I stayed in his room and read some of his books. I don't know how, but I already read all of them. Charlotte's Web, Fahrenheit 451, I, Robot. They were old tales to me and I knew every ending. Which really really sucked. Big time.
One day William was out... doing... William stuff so I decided to snoop around his room.
"Does this guy have anything interesting in his life?" I muttered. Slam! I closed one of the desk drawers. "Just a whole bunch of research papers. So thrilling, William." I picked up a wad of the paper and skimmed it .
Black. Racism. Jim Crow. Yata, yata, yata.
Wait, what?
I turned back to the last page. This one wasn't a research paper, it was a story.
"My First Love" by William Martin.
Jackpot!
She was dark and mysterious, like the under side of the moon. Her eyes were so big and round and trapped you and made you want to stay with her forever. Her cute button nose tickled when we kissed. Her dark freckles sprinkled across her oh-so-soft cheek were the spice to the sugar of her lips.
Maybe you should stop, Jordan. I paused. This seems personal.
I wanted every inch of her heart and soul.
Eh, that never stopped anybody.
I continued reading all of his stories about his ex girlfriend who was referred to as Cocoa. Whether or not that was her real name, I didn't really care. William really missed her (it was almost creepy the way he wrote, actually) and just wished that he would be accepted for being in love with her. I high key felt bad about reading his personal stories, I mean I was essentially reading his diary, but it was worth it. Now I knew why he was so scared; he didn't just date Cocoa he opened up to her and gave her his everything (or something romantic like that, I don't know).
To offset the gushy, mushy tragic romance about William's failing love life, I pondered a lot about what I'd done. With each passing minute I couldn't remember the girl's face but I couldn't forget her. I felt guilty. But I couldn't tell William I mean he had a shit ton of issues with his ex; I couldn't tell Johnny because he was too... I guess brawny but without the brains, you know? Michael was always away doing... Michael stuff. He was an odd guy; he never spoke until Johnny spoke. He never went somewhere unless Johnny was going to go, too. I couldn't figure out the phones. (They felt wrong and foreign to me. They were dinosaurs and all I wanted was whatever an iPhone was.) The pains I felt were gone almost like they were a dream or a funny mind trick (not funny, by the way). I had to focus on the future. Saying future was strange for me but I knew it was my best chance of survival.
I tried to be happy with Karen. She was so bubbly, so energetic. She was like the girl in William's stories; super happy and preppy and bright. She didn't frown, she tended to my every need, she made sure I was feeling okay. If we were married and in our thirties I would be sold. But we weren't so I wasn't all that hot about the perfect homemaker type of situation.
This one time, she stopped by. She wanted to take a walk down to the lake. I agreed.
"I've been thinking about you a lot, Jordi." She beamed.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I've been thinking, um, about our future together."
"Really."
"I'm a cat person, um, are you?" Her eyes got big. "Or do you have, you know, um, one of those things... Ugh I forget.... Um, it starts with an A."
"Allergies."
"Right! Well, um, if you don't I like the really tiny cats with the cute little stubby legs." She swooned and she clutched my arm.
"Yeah those are cute." I wasn't really a cat person, but why would I ruin the mood?
"I just I'm so happy right now."
"Me, too." Why do you sound dead inside?
"You know, Jordan, I'm ready if you are."
"Ready for what?"
"To, you know." She giggled and covered her face.
"What?"
"Do what everyone is doing. Like the songs."
"What song?"
"You know... like, take things to the next level."
I looked at her. It was 1955, she was being awfully forward for the time period. "That's not a song." I dismissed her.
"Come one, Jordan." She inched closer, her eyes hopeful and demanding attention. "You know exactly what I mean."
She leaned in for a kiss. I was too shocked to stop her. She was so innocent and I completely threw me off guard. So I stood there, not moving (really I was like a statue) as she made out with me. In the middle of the woods. With no one around for miles. (I'll bet you ten bucks she planned it that way, too.)
So technically, it didn't really happen. Right? Yeah. This kiss didn't count at all. (And I swear it was just a kiss. I'm not a player. At least, I don't remember.)
But it did unlock some possibilities for me. I could wait to figure out who the girl was. We could go home. Wherever that was. We could resume our life. Whatever that was. We could go back to the familiarity  of our friends.
Whoever they were. And we could be happy. If only I knew what that was!
Or:
I could stay with Karen Williams, a cute, funny college student. She was kind, even to blacks if she absolutely had to be. She was modest about her beauty. Nice light skin, nice dark hair, brown eyes that melted into me every time I looked. She complimented me in every way. She was the perfect combination of housewife and fling, if that made any sense. If I had all the time in the world I could see myself with Karen seriously.
But those episodes still scared me. I couldn't control them, and I hated not having control. For all I knew I could be a ticking time bomb and anything could finally set me off.

If only I could control my life.