why?

chapter one

song recommendation: 7 years by lukas graham

i was only seven years old when my life changed, and it wasnt for the better.

i remember this day like it was yesterday. thats because what happened that day defined me. its what changed my view of life. its the day that ruined everything. but of course, i didnt know that yet.

i was only in second grade.

when i was younger, my school had a program where you could choose whether you wanted to stay with your first grade teacher for second, or whether you wanted to switch classes. most people, including me, chose to stay in the same class. that meant you usual had the same classmates.

when i was in first and second grade, i was part of a group of four girls who did everything together. we often refused to let anybody else play with us. many even called us "mean girls in elementary school", and frankly, they werent wrong. plus, we thought, if there were an activity where you needed a partner, we could be with any one of the three without anybody else being left out.

our "clique" consisted of me, chelsea, clara, and avery. 

one monday, our teacher gave us a writing assignment where we had to write a story about somebody we admire, such as a parent or teacher. by the end of the week on friday, we were to read our projects out to the class.

being the children we were, we wrote about our friends instead of an adult.

i wrote about avery, and she did the same for me. we each tried to peek at the others to see what they were writing about them, but i never succeeded on seeing her piece.

a week later, it was sharing time. i heard what chelsea said about clara, and what clara said about chelsea. when they were both finished reading their work, they hugged each other, which made me excited for avery to hear mine. 

when it was my turn, i told the class about how kind and smart avery was, i included how she was pretty and always smiling. when i was done, avery didnt hug me like the other two did, she didnt even glance at me.

'maybe after shes done reading hers she'll thank me,' i thought honestly.

after a couple more people, it was avery's turn. her title was "all about peyton".

i loved hearing what she had to say about me, and i was happy during the entirety of her reading time. 

then, she read the next few sentences.

"but peyton is also weird. she always stares at clara and stuff. i think she like likes her. my mommy said girls can only like boys, and if she likes clara than thats weird. but peyton is a good friend. im glad peyton is in my class."

i felt everybody's eyes boring into me, but i just looked at avery shocked. as if nothing happened, she stood out of the rocking chair and sat next to me, giving me a hug. i, along with every one else in the room, was surprised.

from that day on, clara avoided talking to me, and slowly but surely, so did avery and chelsea. 

in second grade, i didnt know that having a crush on a girl was "weird".

back then, "gay" wasnt a thing.

i was only seven years old when my life changed.

and it wasnt for the better.

look, im actually attempting to keep up. what else is new?

anyways, have a great week yall!