If I Lose Myself (Resident Evil 4)

Strong Because I Was Weak

"Krauser! Krauser, stop!" I pleaded with the man as he dragged me through through some kind of bunker. He had docked on an island somewhere in the middle of the ocean. Ashley was apparently somewhere here as well, according to Krauser.

"Please! I know you are taking me back to Saddler. Please, you cannot!" I begged while trying to get free of his iron grip. He kept his direction and remained silent.

"Please, I beg of you, do not bring me to him. Stop! Please, Jack!"

That stalled him. He slowed and softened his grip on my upper arm. Then shook his head and continued walking. Tears welled up in my eyes.

"Jack, I will do anything! I swear, anything you say I will do," I tried to convince him. I struggled to keep tears from falling.

"Sorry kid. I was starting to like you too," he finally responded. He did not sound apologetic at all however, despite flirting with me barely half an hour ago.

I hung my head. Why won't Saddler just kill me? Tears fell from my eyes. Why could I not stop crying? That was all I had done as of late.

"Stop crying. He won't kill you if that's what you're worried about," Jack said.

"Death would come as a welcome relief now," I muttered. I wiped my eyes with my free hand. There was silence between us the rest of our walk.

"He's in there kid. Can't go in with you. Private meeting," Jack explained. He pushed me toward the door we'd stopped at. He opened it and gave me a hard shove. I stumbled into the room. The door shut behind me with a loud crash. My eyes met the man I could only describe as El Diablo. The Devil.

"My, my. It has been quite some time since we have seen each other, hasn't it my dear?" Saddler said to me in the condescending tone he always used when speaking to me. He casually strode toward me.

"Amor, dear. I'm afraid I have bad news for you."

"Whatever could be worse than what you have already done to me?" I retorted.

"That, my dear, depends on how much you cared for Salazar."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, sweet girl. Salazar is dead," he said, almost sounding cheerful.

"How?" I hoped I sounded emotionless. Unlikely though.

"Mr. Kennedy killed him. Apparently he became the monster that was always inside him."

"He only became a monster after you corrupted him!" I lost control and yelled.

"You actually believe that do you," he said as he came closer to me.  He held my shoulders tightly in his wrinkled hands. I tried to shrug away, but his grip became tighter.

 "He would have done the same things to hurt you. He was a little boy, no family, isolated, with no one to love and no one to love him. A little boy who didn't know how to love. And you, a young girl, desperate to be loved because you never truly received a parent's love. A father who abandoned you as a child and a mother whose attention was on taking care of you, always working, never having time for you."

"Even without the Plagas he would have hurt you because he was always incapable of love. And you would always accept it because you are desperate for someone's love. And weak," he finished, hissing out the word weak.

I kept my mouth shut. Maybe he was right. No, he was wrong. Perhaps he was correct about Ramon and my desperation for love, but I was not weak.

"I am not weak. Maybe I am a scared little girl, desperate for love, but I have endured and survived everything you have done to me. And I will continue to survive, even if only to spite you," I said to him. I pushed him away and this time he let go of my shoulders.

He laughed.

"I hope you do. That simply means I shall have more time to discover just how much I can push a person past their limits. How far I can bend you until you finally break."

My gaze from him did not waver, even as someone came into the room.

"Put our dear girl with the other," he commanded the Ganado that had entered the room. "They shall keep each other company for  the time being."

____________________________________________________________

"Leon will save us," Ashley tried to reassure me. I glanced at the blonde who currently was sitting against a wall. "I know he will."

"Who are you trying to convince. Yourself or I?" I asked her.

"Both of us. I think we could both use some hope," she said.

"I suppose you may be right," I agreed. I sat down beside her.

"So when we get away from these freaks, what are you going to do? I'll be going back to college," she asked me.

"I-I do not know. My family is dead. My village is gone. Ramon is dead. There is nothing left for me here in Spain. No one left." Only now did I realize I had nothing left.

"You should come to the U.S. with us. You know, the land of opportunity. There's a lot you could do. You could start over."

A fresh start. That did sound rather nice. I could be whoever I wanted. Who I always wanted to be.

"That does sound very appealing. But first we must get away from here," I said, focused on the present rather than the future. A few moments of silence passed between us.

"Amor, for what it's worth, I'm sorry about Salazar."

"There is no need for you to apologize. He hurt you. He does not need your sympathy. Nor should he have mine. Yet he does."

"Sometimes you can't choose who you love."

"But you can choose what you do once they hurt you."

"You can't seriously be blaming yourself for staying. He kept you prisoner. What could you have done? It's not like you chose to stay. You can't blame yourself for being attracted to Leon either," she said. I opened my lips to speak but she cut me off. "Don't say you're not. You totally are, I see it. Can't blame you. Leon's pretty cute. But Amor, what Salazar did is not on you."

I gave Ashley a soft smile. She was right. And maybe it was time I listened to someone else. Someone who could see what I could not.

"Thank you Ashley. Truly and forever, thank you."

____________________________________________________________

A/N: Finally a new chapter! I just got back from a camping trip, which is when I wrote this thing. It's not as great as I would have hoped, but it's what I came up with. See you next time!