The Honeymooners

Twenty-three. Scans and Gabriel

I don't know what I expected to feel when I first saw my baby on the screen. Shock? Happiness? Instant love? It's hard to put into words because none of those things will ever do it justice. It's as if my heart grew ten times bigger, bursting with love, pride, love, love and more love. I want to guard this tiny human with everything I have inside myself.

"And if you wait for just a second," the sonographer says, swirling the stick around my tummy, a whooshing sound echoing around the small hospital room. "Here's baby's heartbeat."

I can't take my eyes away from the screen. It's magical. I study the head, body and tiny limbs, wondering what he or she looks like inside there. Enzo sits beside me, just as transfixed. The sonographer is talking about run-up appointments, but I'm only half-listening, knowing I'll have to ask her all over again at the end of the appointment.

"It's a mini us, Am," Enzo says, sat next to me on a hard plastic chair, fingers in his mouth.

I can't stop my smile, tears threatening to push through to the surface. "I know...I can't believe it."

The sonographer presses a few buttons, giving me a small smile. "Do you want some pictures?"

I nod. "Two, please."

For all the nerves I built up coming in here, it's over in a flash. I can't take my eyes away from the picture in my hands, my top sticking to my stomach where I didn't wipe the gel off properly.

"Can I have a look?" Enzo says, walking beside me through the hospital doors.

I pass one over, still fascinated by the grainy image. It's blowing my mind. That little bean will grow into a baby. That I'll eventually have to push out. Oh, boy. One step at a time. There'll be drugs. And, plenty of them.

"Today is more than I ever imagined," Enzo says, holding me back by the arm when I almost step onto the road without looking.

I nod, starting to walk ahead when the road clears. "Me too. And then the next appointment we'll be able to find out if it's a boy or a girl."

"I'm looking forward to the gender reveal the most," Enzo says, his tone excitable.

"I keep having a dream that it's a girl."

"Our little princess," he smiles, stealing a glance my way. "I bet she'll be spoilt rotten."

The smile on my face is genuine, and the biggest it's been in a while. "I want her to have everything. Opportunities, love, toys."

Enzo laughs. "Let her get here first."

I blush, folding my arms over my chest, seeing mum parked in the near lane. "So, I'm sixteen weeks."

Enzo looks like he doesn't want to leave just yet. "Sixteen weeks. Who'd have known? I was thinking the other day how the warning signs were there; we just didn't realise what they meant."

"Hmm," I respond, kicking myself for not listening to my body. Even after the nurse reassuring me that baby looks healthy, I can't help but worry. Cocktails, zip wires, deep lake diving - I've done it all.

"Are you hungry? We could go grab pancakes," he says, avoiding eye contact.

I back off, not ready for brunch dates. "I can't. I'm due back at work." In two hours.

"Oh, you're back at work?"

I nod. "Yeah, I am."

I've yet to mention to him about my promotion. I don't want to jinx anything by boasting, but then I do. I'm proud of what I've achieved, with or without him. It's awkward to know if I'm oversharing and giving too much away.