Hi, I'm Jeff, just your normal, hardworking ogre, trying to make my mark on the world; well I was, until Jack messed everything up. He steals my stuff, publishes a fairytale, and makes ME the bad guy. Well, that makes it personal, so now I'm telling my side of the story.
Jack and the beanstalk from the ogres point of view
It started out in 1973, when my human mom and dad, Teresa and Phillip, gave birth to me. I was a normal human, fine in every way. In fact, I knew more about business than anyone. With expert calculations and plenty of guesswork, I could accurately predict what would happen to all the stocks on the market, making me an invaluable asset to my family, providing more money in a day than both my parents made in a year. We quickly became quite rich, coasting through life with a smile on our face and a song in our hearts. We never looked at my stock predictions as a bad thing, why should we? But, looking back, it's ironic to remember that both stocks and stalks helped create my downfall.
With the money, we bought a bag of gold for future investments, (According to my calculations, gold could only go up), a miraculous chicken that laid golden eggs, and a talking harp! My family was so pleased with me, that they decided that I should go to the market and buy whatever made me happy. Bringing enough cash that would make Bill Gates's jaw drop, I looked for an item that had both elegance and quality. I was making my way past the poor section so I could get to the good stuff, when an old mysterious man slammed into me. "Hey," I cried, "watch where you're going."
The old man looked up at me and said, "Ill trade you magical beans for some gold."
At that I smiled, "I have a bag of gold, a chicken that lays magical eggs, and a talking harp, why would I want some stupid beans?"
The old man's face turned from shock, to rage, and then more rage "YOU'RE STUPID! BEANS ARE AWESOME, AND FOR THAT HIDEOUS REMARK, YOU WILL PAY! YOU WILL LIVE IN THE CLOUDS WITH A SUPER-ANNOYING WIFE! YOU WILL BECOME A OGRE TOO, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AND SINCE YOU LOVE THOSE ITEMS SOOOO MUCH, YOU WILL KEEP THEM, ONLY TO HAVE THEM STOLEN ONE DAY!!!!!!!" Now, at this point, I was sure this nut job was wacko. I mean, no one has the power to do all that, right? Well, that was the last thing that passed through my mind as I passed out.
"Honey, wake up," A horrible voice yelled, "Rise and shine, the early bird gets the worm, I have breakfast ready, come on, we have chores to do. You need to fix that leak in the kitchen, mop the dirty guestroom floor, clean out the gutter, take a bath, you smell disgusting....." the horrible voice went on. All I wanted to do was sleep, that and hit the super-annoying voice with a shovel. Man, I have never heard anything more..., well, terrible. I thought I could handle it, but after two minutes of this, I finally screamed "I'm coming, gosh, who do you think you are, my wife?" Two seconds later, that voice came into view, and that voice had a body. She was ugly, inhuman. A giant. Finally, I put two and two together. "Nooooooooo," I yelled dramatically, "the old man was right, he ruined my life! Nooooooooo!"
"Now don't be over dramatic," "my wife exclaimed. "Just calm down. Why don't you play that little harp of yours?"
And this is how it went for over twenty years, twenty years without my mother and father, twenty years with that wife. All I really wanted was to jump from those clouds to the human earth, to live a normal life, but fate made it so that the jump was too high, even for an ogre. I would surely die if I jumped. After those years, nothing had changed. One day when I was awoken, I was in a surprisingly good mood. Waking up I shouted to my wife, "Hey, hi, yo, Hun, can I have some toast on a jelly filled bun?" My wife quickly said sure, and went on to make the delicious breakfast. While I was waiting, I took out my sack of gold, and began counting the pieces. I was almost done when my wife got out my breakfast, and it was so good, I quickly fell asleep, cradling my precious bag of gold. When I awoke several hours later, my gold was gone. I threw a fit, wanting my gold at that moment more than anything. I cried for several more days, until I realized that the prophecy had come true, and that I must protect my chicken and harp.
The next day started off no differently. I woke up, strangely happy, and went to the kitchen. "Hey, hi ,Yo, Hun, can I have some toast on a jelly filled bun?" My wife quickly said yes, and while she was cooking the meal, I got out my golden chicken and held it tight to my chest, so that NO ONE could get it. After cradling the chicken for ten minutes, my wife called me for the breakfast. I set the chicken down for just a minute while I ate the breakfast, but to my dismay, when I returned, the chicken was gone! For five days straight I protected my harp, making sure it was safe from any intruders. Then I realized something important, the thief must have found a way up to the clouds, and that would be my escape route! I put down the harp and started whistling nonchalantly. Secretly, I was watching the harp. Sure enough, twenty minutes later, a boy grabed the harp and made a ran for it. I quickly run after him, eager to get to the world that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. The boy led a merry chase, then, he seemingly disappeared. Thinking that I lost him, I ran to the place where he vanished, only to see a beanstalk. I eagerly grabbed hold of the plant and started the climb to the earth. While climbing, I screamed to the world, cursing the old man that did this injustice to me. "I'm going to get you! You ruined my life, and for that I will kill you!" I was about halfway down when the boy made it to the bottom. Even at this height, a drastic fall would kill me. In a flash, the boy had an axe, and to my astonishment, he was cutting down the beanstalk! I only had seconds to live, my memories flash through my head, and I suddenly fell. I fell from the sky to the earth, falling was like flying, and flying made my spirit feel free, and that, is the end of my story, life, and fairytale.
