It's You

VIII

"Don't chew with your mouth open, sweetie." I tell Aster, who's munching on her hamburger.

"Sorry, Mommy. It's very good." She says, taking another big bite with her little mouth.

"The only thing Lindsey's good at is the grill." Kristen attempts to joke I guess, but I'm still trying my best to ignore her. 

I was so taken aback when she just jumped on me, giving me a hug as if we're best friends who haven't seen each other in a while. She dragged me inside the house and showed me around, while I answered politely and nodded my head, already regretting being here. Looking at her, I wonder whether I don't know Lindsey at all or what the hell is wrong with him that he's with this woman. She's not his type at all, well, her appearance maybe, but she's... well she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, let's leave it at that. Calling her woman feels wrong, too. She's apparently ten years younger than Lindsey, overly excited about everything and while during the first twenty minutes of meeting her it might be cute, now it's just getting on my nerves. Then again, my immediate dislike for Kristen might have something to do with me being jealous...

"So, how did you two meet?" Lindsey asks, after washing down a mouthful of steak with half a bottle of beer. 

I remain quiet, then I feel Alan nudge me. "You were there, you know how we met." I shrug and reach for a glass of water that Kai asked me to hand him. I suddenly feel tension in the air and attempt to laugh it off. "I'm only kidding."

"Didn't sound like a joke." Alan chuckles nervously and I place my hand on his knee under the table as if saying that everything is fine. "Actually, Steph and I met through a dating app."

"Oh, really?" Kristen asks, as usual, sounding intrigued. "How does that work? Does it work? My friends only use it for hookups."

"Well, not all of us are twenty one years old." I remark, which I probably shouldn't have. She's done nothing wrong to you, Stevie, shut up.

"I'm twenty three." Kristen corrects me, sipping her wine.

"To answer you question, yes, it works." I give a nod of my head, facing Alan. "We've been together for months now." I smile and lean in for a kiss. 

Why? Why am I trying to make Lindsey jealous? Why would he be jealous, when he's got a trophy wife-to-be. I'm in my mid-thirties. I've got two children, I'm not as slim or that beautiful. Nevertheless, my hand lingers, caressing the side of Alan's face a moment longer when I break our kiss, then sit straight again, glancing at Lindsey just briefly. 

 "Steph didn't even have a profile picture, but I read what she had written about herself and I instantly knew I had to meet this woman. Lucky me she liked me back." Alan's arm wraps around my shoulders and he kisses my temple. 

"Why go on a dating app though?" Kristen speaks up once again. "You're a good looking woman, surely you could have gone out and met someone."

"It's not that easy, going out, when you've got two small children." I shrug and take a napkin to wipe any leftovers from both Aster and Kai's faces. "Off you two go." They jump from their seats and Aster pinches Kai, which results in them chasing each other around the backyard for a while.

"Don't your kids have a father?" Kristen asks and I know she genuinely doesn't process the question in her head first. 

I almost choke on the last bite of my dinner and Alan hands me my drink. Taking a few sips, I put the glass down and lift my eyes up at Kristen. "They do, but it's not something I want to talk about."

"Why not? Did he run for the hills when you told him?" Lindsey asks, looking at me intently. I think he knows. I can't explain it, but I think he knows. 

"Lindsey, come on. Steph said she doesn't want to talk about it." Alan gives Lindsey a look, then his eyes settle on me. "You okay?" 

I nod my head and don't say another word, resting my back against the chair as I look past everyone at my two most important people in my life. A small smile forms on my lips and I sigh. I should tell Lindsey the truth, I should. But how do I do that? He's most likely going to hate me when I do.

The three start up a conversation, but I don't listen. I'm not the least bit interested, but I do feel Lindsey's eyes on me most of the time. He's going to want to talk to me, I can feel it, but much like myself, he doesn't know how, I think.

A couple of hours later, I put Aster and Kai to bed. They're both out like a light, having exhausted themselves. I'd like to go to bed too, but I feel obliged to join everyone, so I do. Alan and Kristen are the ones talking the most, Lindsey and I adding something here and there only when asked. I've never thought I'd be in this situation, I thought that Lindsey was a part of my past and here we are... I'm not even angry at him for that damn picture anymore, I'm not angry at him for anything, I don't really have a reason to be anyway. I wish it were just him and I, snuggled up together on one of the loungers with the bonfire, while our kids are sound asleep. I still love him so much. I didn't realize I got so emotional until a tear slips and I quickly wipe it away, remembering where I am, I straighten up and try to listen to the conversation that the other three are having, until I zone out again shortly.

"It's time for bed, don't you think?" Alan turns to me, yawning halfway through his sentence. 

"Actually, I'd like to sit outside for a while if that's alright." I tell him and it's true, I want to spend some time alone. "I've brought my journal, so I'd like to write a little."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Alan's eyebrows crease, but I assure him with a kiss and a smile. "Well, alright. Don't keep me waiting too long."

"I won't." I kiss him again. He's been drinking, he'll fall asleep faster than Aster and Kai did.

Kristen and Lindsey bid me goodnight as well and I'm at last alone. Waiting ten, maybe fifteen minutes, I go to the bedroom to retrieve my journal, before walking outside again and I freeze. 

Lindsey's outside, our eyes locked. It's just the two of us and I... I want to run. I want to run away and I want to run straight back into his arms all at the same time.