If We Exist

6.

- You like apples, don't you? Yuri asked. He was looking at the red apple I had just taken my first bite of.

I had never thought of it before. Why would he think I liked apples? Didn't he like apples?

We had both been let out of Mr Unjis's classroom and were on our way to my house. Our school could still be seen, if very faintly, in the horizon, obscured by the many trees that were growing wild on either side of the road.

I scuffed my feet against the crumbling asphalt as I thought of how to answer him.

When I swallowed, I said, - I don't like them, but I don't hate them either.

- But-, Yuri squinted at me, - every time I see you in school you're always eating a red one. I bet it's your favourite colour too.

The afternoon sun glinted off his head, making the stray strands of hair glow auburn. Yuri was smiling, showing off his prominent canines that only ever saw the light of day when he smiled widely.

- That's because of our cook, I said, hiding my embarrassment by averting my gaze. - She always packs me the red ones and gets angry if I don't eat them.

I had never had a problem with eating the apples Petra packed, but the way I said it insinuated I did. I thought that it would make me sound cooler—aloof.

I didn't notice him stepping closer. I looked over, and there he was, pressed up against my side. I froze up, questioning. His smile widened just before he reached over for the apple. My hand gave way, and before I could utter so much as a beep of protest, he raised it to his mouth and took a large bite. For a fraction of a second the juice danced, suspended in the sunlight, while he munched with a satisfied grin.

- It's good, he said with a mouthful.

He handed me the apple. I was so taken aback that I didn't know what to do with it. Never before had anyone breached so many social cues in such a short span of time. He'd taken a gaping bite of the sweet fruit. Its white flesh glared back at me, uninviting. Yet at the same time, I had the strangest urge to lick the dripping juice from the place he had just bitten.

- Take it, he urged.

I reeled back. - But you...you just took it, it's yours now.

- Is Ru Konstantin afraid of bacilli? He taunted.

I flushed. - M-M-Maybe, if it comes from a bumpkin like you.

Yuri's smile wilted on his lips.

I jabbed him with my elbow, - It's just a joke, I said when I noticed that his expression had dimmed.

- I'm not a bumpkin.

- I know. I know, I soothed. - I heard you read today, didn't I? You're not a bumpkin.

- Did you hear it from the Arash? I swear those cow tit fuckers, Yuri fumed, - they think they're so much better than us. His free hand fisted the fabric of his trousers.

- Do you think you're better than me?

- Yuri—

He was tall, and when he came to stand two steps closer to me, he managed, with a tiny leverage of five centimeters, to tower over me. His proximity cloaked the sun.

- Do you think you're better than me, Ru? His voice was raised, but that wasn't what was so scary about him at that moment. He could look a lot like his father when he was angry.

I shoved him gently. - The Arash and Brommian are brothers, why would I think I'm better than you? I struggled to get enough air into my lungs.

- God created us equal, I reminded him.

His eyes softened.

- You live in a castle.

It sounded like an accusation when he said it.

- I don't. I shook my head in indignation.

He scoffed. - Yes, you do, nobody but the Arash lives in castles.

- I live in a house, just like you.

His eyes lingered on my face, searching, before he started to walk away from me.

I caught up to him.

- Yuri.

I was desperate to get him in a good mood. I hated that I had allowed myself to call him a bumpkin. I knew it would make him upset, and yet I'd done it. Only because I'd wanted to hide the icky feeling in the pit of my stomach that was as much because of nerves as embarrassment. But how did I explain that?

- Yuri. I tugged on his sleeve. He halted and veered towards me.

- I'm sorry. You're not a bumpkin. You're...you're bad at reading but that's not your fault.

If eyes could burn, Yuri's would have scorched my face off.

- I mean-, I hurried to say, - I mean...it's Mr Unjis...and the school! They did wrong. You're the best football player, and...and...and...you're cool...and... and all the Arash players are jealous. You're not a bumpkin, Yuri. They wish they were like you! Everybody, they all wish they could play ball like you.

I swallowed. His eyes searched mine.

- I wish I was like you.

I let go of his sleeve. My hand fell with a thud against my thigh.

The silence was deafening.

- Ru? Yuri's face was distraught. Like he'd just registered what I had said, and couldn't believe it

- Why do you live in a castle? Why do the Arash hate us? Why are they jealous of me?

The force of his question made me take a step back. I was struck mute by the sincerity in his eyes.

I truly believe that Yuri thought that I had the answer to that. His face, I remember it so clearly; young, bewildered, upset. He already saw those things as being interconnected. Little did I realise then that we were pawns in a game of socio-political chess. I didn't care for that. All I wanted to be was his friend. I felt it with a gnawing desperation in my chest.

I shook my head at him. I remember doing so until the whole world spun around me, till Yuri became a blot of smeared colours. It calmed me.

- I don't know, I said. The ground underneath my feet moved as if the asphalt was floating on molten lava.

He laid a hands on my shoulders.

- It's okay. The storm behind his eyes had cleared and given way to his usual crystal-blue eyes.

- It's okay, it's not your fault. I'm angry at the other Arash. They're not nice to me, but...but you're my friend, right?

I nodded.

He smiled.

There was a silence, a short pause, before he said, - You remind me of my little sister, Anja.

He ruffled my hair and pecked my forehead. It was unexpected. A very odd thing to do, but not totally uncommon. It was what siblings, and sometimes friends, did. A kiss on the back of each other's hands, sometimes on each other's foreheads. But why would Yuri kiss mine?Were we that close now?

I touched the vacant spot on my forehead where his lips had caressed.

What did it mean?

Yuri, seemingly unfazed that I was going through turmoil, took another bite of the apple.

- I'm gonna keep this now.

I scowled, - That's mine.

- You didn't want it. I'll get you another one tomorrow.

I started stomping away from him, feigning irritation in my steps. In reality, all I could think of was the point on my forehead that had been touched by his lips. A point that pulsated and called with a need for attention. It was the only thing I could think of for the rest of the way home.