rants and thoughts

1. lonely

Lately I've been feeling lonely. I fewl like I've been blocking out my other friends, and only hang out with a select group of people. Normally that would be okay, but those people are blocking me out.

So, there are four people in the group, if you exclude me. They are all incredibly talented music wise.
I am talented too, but not as talented as they are. I feel like i'm not as funny as they are. Not as nice as they are.

Those four people have formed a group a while ago, before I sort of joined them. But they still call themselves "the four".
We have seperate group chats.
In one I am too, in the other I am not.

It saddens me so much because I thought I finally had friends and a stable social life, something which I've struggled with for years, since a traumatic experience that left me with abandonment issues.

I tried. Really tried to get along with them and honestly the days I've spent with them are probably the greatest days I've spent with friends, but I feel unwanted.
Even though my best friend, of whom im also her best friend, who is also in the group, is a great friend and supports me in everything I do.

They celebrated the birthday of two of the members (I call it a group and the people in it members but it's not actually a group. More like a couple of people that get along) without me.

I bought them both presents but I still have to give them. I've been asking, when can we celebrate your birthday?
And she was like, "I don't know yet??¿)
But she celebrated it without even TELLING me.

I wish they'd either accept me as an actual friend of theirs or just tell me to leave instead of hanging around with me at their chosen times.
It hurts so much.

And I repeat, my best friend is a great person but she only hangs out with the group, and I assume they won't be happy with me there, since no one invites me. Even if I ask, I get a lame excuse. "Mom doesn't want any more people in the house. It's so full already."

I'm so lonely and nobody knows it.