Small Towns Suck
The building stands tall, its bricks weathered and scarred by the earth's elements. Pillars ran in colors, shaped like crayons, that held my eye as I passed by. The cool interior felt like a wave of air, trying to push me out, when I walked through the tall metal doors. It was my first day of second grade at a new school, in a new state, and I didn't know what to expect. Primary was a simple place, of simple times, with no thought of love in this young mind of mine until later in life, but it set the bar of what people thought of me- appearance wise. I was a small girl, but, with the move and my parents' divorce, I started to use food as an escape and it showed. I never had five boyfriends like my cousin had at that age, mainly because there were prettier and thinner girls to talk to; girls and guys gave me the cold shoulder due to my looks. Even though I would eventually date people and fall in love, school has never been the center of love for me- more like a petri dish of misunderstandings and self-consciousness becoming an uncontrollable culture of unrequited love and rejection. My school, my town, always seemed to have it out for me when it came to trying to find love.
Over the years, around fourth, fifth, and especially sixth grade, relationships were quickly becoming a "necessity". I would be standing in outfield, with my chubby little hands cleaning my glasses as I whistled through my braces, with no gentlemen callers pop flying my way. There were guys I liked, but they didn't like me back. There were guys that liked me, but I didn't like them back. There was no middle ground and I had no confidence to try anything until the worst thing a girl should ever be told-
"You're ugly"
Out of nowhere some boy said that to me, maybe because I was being obnoxious, maybe because I was talking to him and he thought I was flirting with him, I can't remember; However, aside from those horrible words, I do remember the stupid look on that boy's face, like he just took a giant whiff of rancid milk. That small town held the smallest minds on what a female should look like and I was not in the "required beauty standard", skinny with a pretty face- all of which I didn't exactly have at the time. For some people, they would wallow in self-pity, but I took it and used that traumatic experience to build myself upon it. Of course, it hurt me deeply, I still fight body issues because of it today, but I tried my best to lose the weight and change my style so that would never happen again. A bad reason to change, but because of this small-town mindset instilled in that little sixth grader's mind I am who I am today.
With my body on the way to "improvement", wearing contacts and make up now, I started gaining attention from boys that I never had. It was something new that I didn't know how to handle, so when the first boy to treat me so positively came around...¦ I became attached. I really liked this guy, and I had continued to like him for years, but I didn't know how to express it so I became distant and basically pushed him away unintentionally. I'd ignore him or even physically push him away from me, to the point where he didn't like me anymore. He was a grade ahead of me, so it was easy for him to get away after being in Jr. High with me, he moved on to high school before I did. Even after I curved him, I was obsessed, making it hard to like anyone else or move on for several years. Truly, who was there to like? Not many people my age wanted to date me, at least none I had feelings for, and those above me seemed more interesting anyways. That was my mistake.
In high school, unless you were supper attractive, no one wanted to date a freshman or a sophomore for that matter. That's at least what it seemed like for my case because I only liked older guys and none of those guys liked me back, the ones that did I had no feelings for. So, I couldn't move on from my obsession, no matter how hard I tried, and I had refused to date anyone younger than me. Eventually my obsession graduated, so it became easier for me to like other people whole heartedly. My senior year had too much "love" because of that, but I at least felt like I was getting somewhere for once- considering I had lost all the weight, no longer had braces, wore contacts, and learned how to properly use makeup.
In my senior year, I finally dated a boy I liked... for a week because, to my surprise, he was transgender. At first, I had no problem with the fact he trans, but my parents hated it. As my friend, they had no objections, but as my boyfriend- no. In turn, I couldn't just go behind the backs of the people I love to date a guy I only liked, that was my reasoning behind it, so our relationship was very short. For a couple months, I didn't date anyone, but I began talking to another guy. I should have never liked this buy, nor dated him, because two of my friends liked him too. One friend was completely played by him, he used her for sex, while my other friend was on the cusps of a relationship with him. Why did I ever like him? I liked him, probably, due to the fact that he told me he liked me for years and that reminded me of myself, how I had liked a guy for years, and I didn't want him to suffer an unrequited love like I did. As a result we dated and, as a result of us dating, both of my friends became furious with me. They dropped me like that, and I don't blame them, but I was desperate and wanted the opposite sex's attention for once. Over the next couple of months, guilt just ate at me to the point where I began to hate myself- more than I already did. It got so intense that I couldn't take it anymore, so I had to break the heart of the boy who loved me. After the break up, I focused on regaining the friends I had lost. One was lost forever, dating my ex as soon as we broke up, but the other was more forgiving and we slowly became friends again.
I gave it some time, respecting the relationship we had, and waited to date someone else. It wasn't until a month before graduation did I start talking to who would be my first real love. Everything started off so simple: casual conversations between us, sneaked glances at each other, I'd tell my friends about him, we'd text each other, etc. Then, one day, he asked me out to dinner and a movie. I told myself "This is it, Kayla. This is your chance, give it all you got." I gave it my all, modestly and creatively, so that by the end of the night we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was so surreal, but it was happening, this guy I had really liked liked me back and we were dating. We were serious and committed. I put everything into the relationship, mind and body, to be both myself and a wonderful girlfriend.
After two months I realized I was in love.
After two months I was in college.
After two months we broke up.
