The last time we saw each other, it felt like forever. You were there, standing in your plain t-shirt and tattered jeans. You wore your usual just-rolled-out-of-bed hair and your eyes, those eyes, they were like stars twinkling and looking at me. You smiled at me; a smile that could lighten up the whole world. But all of a sudden, it faded. Your mouth formed a purse line, your eyes abruptly turned ice cold. Then you stepped backwards away from me. I started to panic.
"What did I do?" I blurted out.
Or what haven't I done?
You didn't respond though. You just stood there, static. That moment, I thought I lost you. And guess what? I did.
I thought we'd be forever, but when I thought about that moment, it felt like it happened a long time ago.
So, is John Green telling the truth? That some infinities are bigger than other infinities? But in our case, it's smaller than other infinities.
The next day, I told myself I'll get over you. I did, after binge watching and devouring all the ice creams inside our fridge, but after that moment, I was back with the harsh reality: You left me without a reason. You left me. You left. You. Everything in my mind screamed the word: You. And I bet, it never crossed your mind the word: Me.
The next week, I told myself I'm moving on. I haven't thought about you for awhile - well, that's because my friends are there to distract me. It was effective. Every once in a while, I thought about you, everytime I do, it seemed my heart is being squeezed, but I tried to breathe, it was harder than I thought but then it eventually passed.
The next month, I finally said: I'm better. I'm not bitter anymore. When I hear your name, I no longer mentally curse who spoke your name and you. I told myself: You're part of my past now. My friends tells me I deserve better. Yes, I do. So I made myself a better person. I did. I was happy. No, I am happy.
Three months later, I found you. Our conversation went like this:
"I was looking for you," Your voice cracked. Suddenly, I wanted to hug you, to tell you I'm here, because you looked like you're about to break down. But then, I remembered: You left me and I was devastated. So I retorted a monosyllable word,
"Why?"
"I-I..." You stammered.
I was shocked. Not because you were here, but you, stammered? The 'you' that I knew never stutter, nor lose his confidence when speaking. What happened to the guy I've loved before?
Then I looked up and saw your eyes again, for a moment I saw a flicker of the old you: the same hazel eyes who looked at me like I was the only girl in the world, but then it was mixed now with something: desperation. Yes, you were desperate. It took you three months to realize it wasn't my loss and it was yours. Three months I suffered thinking you were celebrating being single again, now you claimed to be miserable.
A lot of questions formed in my mind, all of them started with why's. Like, Why are you doing this? Why just now? Why are you miserable? Why? Why? Why? But I didn't ask any of that. Instead, I smiled, not the smile I used to smile at you before. It was gone too the moment you left me three months ago. Then for the first time, I opened my mouth and began to talk to you. "The moment you left me, you lost me forever." I spoke casually because it was the truth.
Your face's expression was priceless though. I almost laughed because what I saw was nothing like you. In fact, I didn't peg you to be that desperate.
I felt pity for you. So I tried to explain my part, so you would understand.
"That time when you walked out my life, I know I didn't want you to come back. But a part of me being broken for three months, still hoped you'd come back but you never did. The first few days are the hardest because it hurt me like hell. Like, you left me brokenhearted yet I still clung to the thin hope that you'd apologize and tell me you made a huge mistake. Because out of the thousand pieces of my heart, some parts still believes we'll make it through it," I stopped, reliving those scenarios inside my head.
"The following weeks, I tried to fix and put the pieces back together. I tried to convince myself I don't need you to fix the broken pieces of my heart. I was mad at you at first, throwing away all the stuffs you gave me. All those things that reminded me of you. But then I thought, you're not worth it. You're not worth my tears. You're not worth my anything. I was so glad that my friends were there to help me. When I finally recovered, somehow, I found myself smiling. Because without you and with my friends, I learned to pull myself together. That even picking those broken pieces made my fingers bleed when I picked them up, it was all worth it."
You remained silent, as if absorbing these informations are too much for you to even to mumble a single word.
I breathe, knowing it'll be hard to say the next words that were forming in my mind. Shaking off the butterflies inside my stomach, I continued.
"I don't want to stay on the same chapter, reading it over and over again. I don't want to be stuck there, knowing I won't be able to move on. So I turned another page where I can write my own chapter. I can't wait what it has yet to unfold,"
I want to add: Then before you come back, I met someone: A guy who's opposite of you. He's not as beautiful as you, not as dreamy as your hazel eyes and not as captivating smile you have. He's pretty much average if you ask me: He's got black squinty eyes. He doesn't smile as often as you, but when he does, he's only looking at me. It was different from yours. When yours is like the sun; his is somewhat like the moon: sometimes secluded yet mysterious. Yours is all open while his is sort of secretive. And I like that a lot. It is not better than yours but definitely is different from yours.
But I didn't. It is needless to say. Because right now, as of this moment, you were indirectly asking me for a second chance. But then, if I gave you another one, there will be a third, fourth, fifth... and I cannot count more than that. "We're forever" you'd said, but I'm afraid you're wrong. Our forever has ended. The moment you step backward, that was the time you break the line. Remember? Infinity is an eight, you were the half part of me; then you decided to leave and the line suddenly changed. All that left are remnants of yours amd mine was broken. You can't complete me anymore. And that was the sad part, our forever is gone. After five months of being together, it has come to end. Our infinity maybe bigger or smaller than others. Though it feels like the latter, I was still glad we've had our moments together - our forever; those times when we thought it would last. But it did come to an end, right? It's over. We're over. Nothing lasts forever, remember? So, let's be nothing. It's better off that way. We're better off that way. Because the truth about forever is that, it exists but it has its end as well.
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