How To: Save The World

I'm honestly unsure what this is

Whoops

Maybe it can be the prophecy fic

...

Life tip: if you ever get a pet unicorn, just name it Michael James Way and then call it Mikey for short. It can choose any nickname for itself, as long as that nickname is Kobra Kid. Let it experiment with a guitar or drums or keyboard/piano if you have those instruments in the house. Just not wind instruments because it might choke. If you don't have them, then go to your local Guitar Center and ask for the most tattooed guy— sorry, wrong bandom — and just try out the instruments there.

It is preferable that the unicorn be a unicorn-shark hybrid. But just plain unicorn or plain shark is okay as well. Except that I don't think that a shark will last very long without water and you don't want to lug Mikey around in a tank full of water. It gets inconvenient. And how can you give your pet life-sustaining coffee if it's always underwater? Pour the coffee into the water? Then it might choke because it's trying to breathe coffee, but then again is this Michael James Way remember, so anything is possible. But still. We have to try to be somewhat realistic.

And then somehow let your unicorn-shark work at the bookstore with you. If you don't work at the bookstore and the bookstore won't let unicorns work without human guardians around, then quit whatever job you used to have and work at the hecking bookstore with your unicorn Mikey.

See, nobody knows this, but I can see the future. (Well, now you know.) And I see that without you and Mikey working at the bookstore (preferably a Barnes & Noble but it's OK if you don't have any of those where you live; just a bookstore will have to be enough), Mikey will never come across an odd book title to suggest to Gerard— Oh, that's the thing. Mikey the unicorn-shark must also somehow have a brother, a gazelle named Gerard. It's okay if Gerard and Mikey adopt each other. They just have to legally be brothers by the time Mikey is working at the bookstore.

Don't ask why, just do it. One of anyone's life's biggest accomplishments will be to own and raise a unicorn-shark named Mikey Way.

Then what you have to do is get a dog, no one hecking cares about the breed, and name your dog Frank Iero, but also call it Fronk Oreo. Even if it doesn't look like an oreo. Preferably it should be a wolverine-dog hybrid. Of course, I understand that those are rare, so it's okay to just have Frank be a dog or just a wolverine. But whichever option, your pet must be named Frank. Life tip: If it wants to choose its own name, let it pick a name from a bunch of options in a hat (possibly the fedora but it's okay if you can't get Patrick's, a regular one will have to do, but for God's sake, please do not use the hat fic one). On every paper write the name Fun Ghoul. (This also works for lotteries and auctions. If you don't get caught.)

Again, let it experiment with different instruments; who knows, you might even be providing it with its lifelong calling: to make music in a band called Your Scientifically Approved Love Affair (Which Is Really None of My Business but Too Bad). And do nosy shit like that.

Then you need to find and keep a beautiful owl in your backyard if your mother won't let you keep it in the house (she probably won't. Also, Ray won't like being stuck in a house all day). Name the owl Raymond Toro. If the owl wants a more jazzy and bad-guy name, suggest the name Jet Star. Just keep suggesting it until finally Raymond agrees with you. Once he sees your irrefutable logic, he will agree, because he's smart and knows that you're trying to do what's best for him, such as ahem following the prophecy and formula for saving the world. He also likes saving the world. It's one of his hobbies, alongside playing the guitar, playing drums, and playing the keyboard. Don't ask how an owl can play the guitar or any instrument besides the triangle for that matter. The prophecy hasn't told me how yet either. Just make sure your hecking owl can hecking play the hecking guitar. It would be a bonus if he could play the guitar well, but it's okay if not because he can practice a lot once he's in a band. Of course your owl named Ray Toro is in a band. Of course. 

But don't tell your mom any of this, because she might flip out and have a very very tiny heart attack and maybe possibly actually die, and I don't want anyone's death on my hands, so please just don't tell her. Also you'll have to pay for Raymond's cupcakes with your own money, because she might also get suspicious why you're getting so many sweets lately. And why you're buying so many jackets but wearing none of them. And why you're lugging around a fish tank and why you quit your other job to get paid very little for working with your secret pet unicorn-shark at a bookstore. Just don't tell her. If you do, she might send you to the loony bin and your pets to the shelter. Then the whole prophecy would never ever come true, because you, yes you (I'm talking to you, you know who you are, you the one in the corner trying to get away before I condemn you to having listen to me spout more insanity—turns out it is your destiny to save the world. Sorry if you wanted a boring life), are the one who has the slightest hope of making it ever come true.

On a less threatening and doomed note, now you must get a happy drunk gazelle named Gerard Arthur Way. It's perfectly fine if you can't keep Gerard in the house. You can let him graze in the backyard. (I feel sorry for you if you live in the city. You're going to have to deal with an angry Gerard. Not fun). Gerard likes jackets even though he's not a house pet. You could even call him a jacket slut, although I don't know why you would want to. So you can and definitely will have to keep all of his jackets in the house. He might be a bit wild, definitely sassy, and he might want a wild name to go with it. He might even choose the name Party Poison if you suggest it to him when he's not pissed at you for ruining his fortieth jacket in the laundry. Make sure he gets a lot of fresh grass and nice air to breathe. (Too bad for you if you live in the city. Move.) Also feel free to feed him large cups of tea because all the singing might hurt his throat after a while. Gerard and Frank like to sit at their local Starbucks (too bad if there is no Starbucks where you live. Get them to build one) and share a cup of tea. No homo tho. They sometimes like to invite Mikey but he orders his own coffee and needs his own table and a ridiculously long straw (he's part shark or even all the way shark, remember? And he's in a portable tank? Full of water?). 

(Oh, yes, I forgot to mention, Gerard the gazelle can sing. He has to. There is no excuse. Get him signed up on voice lessons immediately and I don't care if that means you have to quit your job at the bookstore because do I look at all like I give a shit about your unfortunate predicament?) Also it would be nice if the gazelle enjoys art, drawing, etc but it is searching for a higher purpose in life besides drawing comics for a hecking label that doesn't even like its work. Because otherwise it would be near impossible to throw these guys together and expect them to make life-changing music somehow if they don't really want to. That's another thing. You have to re-stage 9/11. Try not to actually kill anybody, please.

Also, make sure all of your pets can sing. Well, except for Mikey and the drummers. He doesn't have to sing unless he really wants to for some reason, because all of his friends are more than willing to sing instead of him. Make sure he isn't too hurt by that; maybe give him something to hide behind, such as a bass guitar. If the set is playing acoustic only, give him a hecking tambourine because why the heck not. He can put it on his horn and headbang. Yeah, that should work.

Now, you'll probably need a drummer. The drummer will be an otter or bear or dog or goat. They can be strays you picked up off the street, for example if you were going to work with Mikey one day and saw a random otter suntanning on the roof of a parked SUV, feel free to otternap it and bring it to the recording studio on your way to work. But they all have to be sick-as-frick drummers. Even so, the drummer won't stay for very long anyway. Who cares? No one needs drummers. Mikey can headbang to the drums in his head. Too bad for anyone else who can't hear it (He's following FOB's advice to dance alone to the beat of your heart).

Congratulations to you if you made it to the bottom of this to-do list. Did I call it a to-do list? Oh, no, I meant the list of things to do that will save the world.

What are you waiting for? Save the world today!

...

Dear lord

Geesus please forgive for my sins