Autompne

twelve

TWELVE

There were a lot of things that I felt blessed for in life—family, a good English teacher and the fact that I was not dead yet. True, my days were numbered but I didn't have to live as though they were. After all, death didn't warn people before it took them away. It just did.

I was only seventeen and granted I have not seen the entire world. There were many things I'd miss out on. I've never traveled abroad, I've never seen snow, I've never gone to a school dance and I've never broken any rules. I was about as boring as watching a snail. It was little things like that that made me really want to live. I'd taken everything for granted and oh how I regretted it immensely.

Late Sunday afternoon, Autumn and I sat in her hospital room. The doctors wanted to check up on her and her condition to see if she'd be moved up the list or not. I happened to be around and I stayed for Autumn. I didn't mind it at all because either way I would've spent the rest of the day with her. While the nurse helped the doctor draw a blood sample and examine her heart rate, I scribbled a few things in my favorite notebook.

Autumn's idea to start a little bucket list was working. One idea after the other came to me and I struggled to keep up with how fast they were coming to me. I hadn't realized it before but I did want to do a lot of things and I still could do them. I tried to stick to things I could actually do instead of something like visit Jupiter. I thought maybe accomplishing things on my bucket list would help clear the little things out of the way so then I'd be able to decide what to do. I had silly things on my list but they were things I wanted to do badly.

I had them in so specific order because I wrote whatever came to me whenever it came to me. I tore the paper I was writing in out of my notebook, crumbling it into a ball in my fist and throwing it in the trashcan, along with the other papers I'd thrown over the past couple of minutes. I turned the page over to a new one and neatly wrote 'My Bucket List' at the top of the page. I was out of other ideas and it was time I wrote what I had in mind down and made my list look nice instead of having it look like it crawled out of a dog's mouth.

Most of what I wanted to do could be done easily, right then and there if I wanted. They were silly ideas but they were things I didn't want to regret not doing before I died. For me, the bucket list was a way for me to let go. I was finally accepting death and making the best out of the time I had left. There was no use having all those negative thoughts inside of me. Sure, it came with my depression but it slowly turned into something normal and that needed to stop. For Autumn, though, the bucket list was what she thought was my way of narrowing down things I wanted to do before I died so I could finally pick a wish.

My list consisted of little pranks and fun things like throwing a pie at someone's face, riding a gurney as if it were a skateboard, running all the way up a down escalator, painting my whole body and create a body stamp, going to a drive-in move with Autumn, climb to the very top of a tree and the last thing I had on my list which I was a bit hesitant about was to kiss Autumn.

I realized pretty soon that my entire bucket list was filled with things I wanted to do with Autumn because it was much more fun that way. Sure, I'd invite some of my hospital friends like Paul but the person I cared about the most was Autumn. I was going to have to get both my doctor's permission and her doctor's permission for things like the drive-in movie. I didn't have a car but my mom did and I guess she'd have no problem letting me borrow is for a night. My mom trusted Autumn a lot and she was happy that we were both spending time together. That made me happy.

After I was done writing down my list, I closed my notebook and put down on a table before making it to Autumn's bed. The doctor was writing down notes on his clipboard and I wondered how long it'd take to find out if she was well or not. I had to wait until she was fine and stable in order to get permission from her doctor. I was going to leave the hospital eventually; it was probably going to happen right before my wish which meant that I had to tell Autumn pretty soon that I was dying. I didn't want her to look at me differently and I didn't want her to treat me as if I were a bomb—a bomb that could explode at any moment. I didn't want her to treat me the same way my mom treated me. Some days I contemplated never telling her at all, maybe even leaving her a letter after I die explaining why I didn't want to tell her. It wasn't fair though because if someone were to hide that from me and not tell me at all, I'd lose it.

"How's she, doctor?" I asked, curious. Looking between the doctor and Autumn. Autumn looked content, not even caring about the fact that there was a needle in her arm and that a nurse kept checking her heart rate. The doctor looked tired, as if he'd been up all night with a patient. The doctor stayed quiet, examining his clipboard, before he finally looked up and glanced at both Autumn and me.

"Today's going to be a good day, Autumn," the doctor grinned, watching Autumn's reaction. She was confused at first but slowly realization dawned in on her and she was grinning like a child on Christmas morning. "You're getting a new heart!"

We were all thinking but when the doctor said it aloud, it felt so real. She was getting a new heart—finally. I was more than happy for her. I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift back to Paul though so I asked the doctor about him and his condition as well.

"It's difficult to find donor hearts with his blood type," the doctor began, looking a bit disappointed. "We have a heart coming in about a week and we have that time to make sure he's stable and that the heart matches. If it does, he'll get the heart."

I felt happier for Paul too because he was going to get a new heart soon, or so I hoped. Sure, Autumn waited a lot less time for the heart but at least they were getting their hearts before I died. I was happy I'd get to see them alive and healthy because that alone eased the idea of death.

I pulled Autumn in for a long hug, whispering a congratulations in her ear as I pulled away. We were both grinning wildly and we couldn't stop. I was genuinely happy for her. The doctor left after informing us of the time she'd be taken to the operating room. The nurses were going to come in her room in about two hours to prepare her for the surgery and take her to the operating room.

Exactly two hours later, I wasn't surprised to find two nurses coming in Autumn's room to help her prepare for the surgery. I planted a kiss on her forehead as a way of saying good luck and held her hand as they dragged her away to the operating room. They stopped the gurney inches away from the room, informing me that I had about a minute with Autumn before she'd have to go in for surgery. The nurses left us alone for the entire minute, respecting our privacy.

"Listen," I said, resting my hands on both sides of her cheeks. "No matter what happens in there, I want you to keep fighting. We'll both keep fighting together, till the very end."

"Till the very end," she whispered, nodding her head and pulling me in for a hug. It lasted longer than our normal hugs and the two nurses were soon back to take Autumn away. I stepped back, watching as they dragged her into the operating room. When she was out of sight, I closed my eyes and let out a long breath.

God, I hope she makes it.