It feels as if there's a blanket wrapped around my body, and I'm under
water. The heavy blanket making it more and more difficult to swim up to the surface. I can feel the cool air on my finger tips but I just can't kick my self up, I'm in a panic. My chest hurts got dammit. I need air. Every time I get close it feels like I'm drug back 50 feet lower. The burning feeling in my chest only making my heart beat faster the lower I sink. It feels like drums from a marching band beating my chest. I can feel it in my arms, fingers, legs toes and my head. It feels like my heart is a race car, trying to win a race that I didn't sign up for.
Or I can describe the recent event. I was laying in bed, my alarm going off for me to go to school but I can't get up. It feels like cement covered my body and holding me down. My alarm only gets louder as the minutes pass, making me more anxious to get up. Knowing I need to get up, but knowing I'll be going to a place where everyone hates you only makes me want to stay. The voice in the back of my head always tells me, "There's no point in going anyways, you can't even make a decent score on the ACT or SAT. No college will want you anyways." The feeling is over powering. So I skip. For the 10th time. Why haven't they kicked me out yet? I've always wondered. "They feel bad for you. They know you're not going anywhere after this." The voice tells me again. I start to cry, realizing how fucking useless my life is. I wasted 13 years of education to not even make it into a college. Knowing this makes me feel like I put a bullet to my brain. My family is going to hate me. I failed them. I was their only hope since on both my mother and fathers side dropped out in high or middle school. It sucks knowing that your brothers, all whom that you've raised will see you become nothing in life. You'll be working that minimum wage job, probably become an alcoholic since you already drink every time you get and waste your life away. I'm just another failure in life. I'm supposed to be their inspiration and all I am is a laughing stock. I can hear the voice in the back of my head laughing at me now. It echos in my head, taunting me. It makes me want to hit the wall, scream, it makes me want to run away from everything but I can't because all I do is turn my alarm off and roll back over, telling myself I'll go to school tomorrow.
Then people always tell me to talk to them. If I could I would never stop telling them what goes on in my mind. But every time I try to speak my throat dries up, a lump manages to make it's way in my throat and the drowning process starts all over again. So all I do is blink away my tears and smile.
"Dude I'm fine, seriously." I tell them but inside my mind I've killed myself at least a dozen times.
~
It's been three years since I've posted this. After posting this I was admitted into a mental health hospital after attempted suicide. All I can say was, that was my wake up call. The recovery was hell. There was many bad days, as well as good days, and it was honestly hard.
But here I am, nineteen years old. I am in college. I'm getting in shape to join the United States Navy, I'm happy. I surrounded myself with people who actually care about me, and cut off everybody who was toxic. Yes, there are still some bad days, but now I know that not every day is going to be good and that I just need to work through it. I forgave people I hated, I apologized to people I did wrong, and I grew from my bad behaviors, I'm no longer drinking to make myself feel better, I am no longer smoking to make me feel better. I've started to make days just for myself, where I take hot baths, I clean my face and I play relaxing music.
The mental state I was in there, is not there now. I feel like I am a completely new person. To anyone that reads this;
you are strong. you will get through this. Message me if you ever need to talk, I will always be here to support you. and I am very proud of you for getting out of bed today, you are absolutely amazing.
