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"chemo—fucking—therapy?! so you're trying to tell me he has cancer?!" i whisper-yelled at both aki and geonhee. the two of them sigh and stare at each other before looking back at me.
"i cant believe he has been hiding this from you!" geonhee groans as he runs his fingers through his hair. aki shrugs, "why dont you talk to him?" she asks.
i raised my eyebrow, "what? no! i dont want to tell him that i rummaged through his room without his permission!" i defended myself.
"okay.. then talk to woojin or youngmin!" aki suggests another idea, i shrug, considering her suggestion. i nod my head before calling woojin, asking him where he was, to meet.
—
"spill," woojin says, before sipping his iced milk tea. i nervously play with my fingers, fidgeting. "okay i know you told me not to go through anything in donghyun's house but i swear it felt like god was trying to talk to me—" i started off, woojin cuts my sentence.
"— haeun... please dont tell me what i think you're gonna tell me—" he drags, this time, i cut him off.
"yes, park woojin. i'm gonna tell you that a pill bottle fell on top of his shelf and it was for his depression, and his notebook was left open and it stated that he went for chemo!" i raised my voice, only loud enough for the two of us to hear.
woojin shakes his head, then he rubs his temple with his fingers, stressed, i suppose. "jesus christ, he was supposed to tell you that before you found out!" woojin whispers to himself.
"so you're telling me he has cancer—" my sentence got cut off by him again. "haeun, please, can you talk to donghyun by yourself? it's disrespectful to talk about someone else's condition without their respect," woojin kindly spoke, putting on a weak smile.
that's when it all hit me.
"so she doesnt know about — ?" woojin drags his sentence, giving eye signals to donghyun.
donghyun shakes his head and puts his hands in his pockets, "u - uh, no," he answers.
"are you planning to tell her?" youngmin questions, leaning on the lockers. donghyun looks over at me then back at them, "soon, but – not now,".
so was all that about this? his depression? his — cancer? oh come on, it has to be some kind of joke, right? you're telling me the boy that i love has.. cancer?
then when will be the next time i see him? when will be the last time i see him? when will be the last time i get to see him breathe on this land that we call earth?
when will be the first and last time that i'll ever get to say, i love you? i mean oh god i havent even had the chance to say i love you yet.
without even realizing, tears were slowly dripping down my cheek and rolling onto my chin and dropping onto the table. and as if on cue, the sky suddenly went dark and thunders could be heard softly from afar.
"haeun, are you -- are you okay?" woojin questions, i sniffled, quickly wiping my tears away. "i just found out that the guy i like has cancer and depression, of course i'm okay," i sarcastically remark, standing up, adjusting my skirt and wiping the tears away.
"i'll talk to him if you--" i cut him off. "i'll be fine, trust me, i-- i dont know how but i'll get there soon, just.. tell him not to talk to me for the time being — while i sort my thoughts out," i faked a smile before walking out of the cafe.
and that's when it all hit me, i just bursted out crying right there and right here, i ran to the back of the cafe where no one could see me and just let my tears slowly blend in with the rain. there was a shelter, i wont get wet anyways.
i curled my knees close to my chin and cried and cried and cried. the thunder was loud enough to cover the sound of my miserable cry for help. i ran my fingers through my hair, continuously repeating to myself that it was just a passing downpour it was just a passing downpour it was just a passing downpour.
donghyun once told me that if something ever went bad, just tell yourself that its a passing downpour and that itll go away as soon as you think.
"have you ever felt like as if god hates you?" i ask donghyun who was currently shoving popcorn into his mouth. we were on the couch of my living room watching a disney movie. my parents were at home, my mom was making dinner and my dad was already sleeping like a log upstairs.
he stops eating and looks over at me. "yeah, of course, like you feel like you are such a mistake and you want to get swallowed up and rot in the upside down forever?" he laughs. i sigh, nodding my head slowly.
"i told my dad that i got a 'c' for my calculus test, he ripped my test paper into two and told me i couldnt do anything. that's why he's upstairs sleeping, to sleep away the pain bringing me into the world," i whisper, popping some popcorns into my mouth at the same time.
donghyun sighs, he takes my hands and cups them. "i have a trick to manipulate the brain, okay? so -- whenever something wrong comes in the way of you living your life, just tell yourself that it's a passing downpour. that everything now is just a temporary downpour and that it'll dry up soon and it'll be a bright and sunny day soon," he advises me, i rolled my eyes at him.
"try it!" he insists, i groan. "it's just a passing downpour," i sigh, he shakes his head. "not convincing enough!" he nudges my shoulder.
"it's just a passing downpour!" i raised my voice at him, he smiles with satisfaction, he ruffles my hair. we both laughed at how stupid we sound like. "feeling better?" he asks, i nod my head yes.
"it's just a passing downpour, right? it'll all go away soon, the storm will cease and a bright day will be ahead of you," i tell myself, convincing myself that it was all nothing.
ding! a new text message.
i fished out my phone, and saw the text notification from donghyun.
new text message from donghyun ;hey, can i come over to study?
i scoff, throwing my phone away from me. donghyun's the last person i want to talk to right now.
