Letters I'll Never Send

Dear F,

I'll be using letters to represent names in order to keep anonymity. If they happen to stumble upon this, they'll know who they are.

F, you said you loved me. I was foolish enough to believe you. I kept my walls up for so long, and you insisted what you felt was real. Now I wonder how many other girls you've said he same thing about. We don't talk anymore but I want to. When I message, you get all excited, then stop talking to me a day later. It hurts. Is that really what love is?

Even though we don't talk I find myself watching your snap chat stories. Do you know how much it hurts to see you constantly complaining about not having anyone to love? You said you loved me. Then you abandoned me. Now you talk about how sick you are of everyone. Some days you even mention another girl, whom you allegedly love. We don't talk anymore so I know you're not talking about me. Just today you posted about how happy you were and how you've never blushed so hard. No doubt it's that other girl.

You played my heart. I'm so sick of people toying with my emotions. I have my wall up for a reason. You can't work for months tearing down my walls just to abandon me. Honestly I feel like crying right now. I know that a relationship between us would be toxic, but I'm just hurt by the fact that you said you loved me. I specifically told you I don't like hearing the word love. Especially from someone I haven't known for a while. You were so eager to say it though. God. I'm such a foolish little princess, aren't I? Believing someone actually fell in love with me within a few weeks.

You sicken me. How can you just manipulate people and toy with them? Who knows how many other hearts you've broken. I'm sorry for all those other girls.

I miss you but I hate you. I hate the pit in my stomach I feel when you mention another girl. You've lied to me about so many things but I still am possessive of your love. I want to be the only person you love. Call me selfish but I just want to feel cared about exclusively by someone. Anyone.

Maybe I did love you deep down. I never said it and I never even considered myself having that big of a crush on you. Why would it hurt this much if I didn't have feelings for you, though? Shouldn't I be able to shrug off the fact that you were lying about loving me? I don't know.

All I want you to take from this letter is that I hate you, I might love you, and I want to forget you exist.

Ashleigh.