Endgame (Book 3)

Chapter 33

In my mind's eye, I focused on conjuring up an image of myself and Jay so that we could have a real conversation with each other face to face. I tuned out the ambient sounds of the environment to speed up the process, only feeling the ground under me and the steady flow of my energy powering Jeremiah's constricting field. 

Jay helped me form the setting, and soon, I had retreated to a place deep within my mind. 

Seeing myself in a space-looking environment wasn't anything new, but being able to walk instead of just floating was a pleasant surprise. The surface we were standing on was as dark as the rest of the area, but flatter. 

What was not pleasant: being able to look at myself across the short gap between us. A mirror image of my face, equally serious, similarly furrowed, just as familiar.  

Just seeing him made an onslaught of emotions dive-bomb my stomach. Guilt, anger...fear. What would he do now? Would he force me to relinquish control over the body that was rightfully his? How did this whole body-sharing thing work? 

Why did I still exist?

Before, I had the hope that maybe, just maybe, I could secretly be the real Jay West. That some fluke had caused me to lose my memories. At least then, I wouldn't have to deal with this identity mess and wonder how to go about it.

Merging, as Jay had put it, seemed like a viable option. But I didn't want to. Becoming him, adopting his traits, trusting him to be a good person, was too much to ask of me. Me, someone who had only existed for less than a couple months out of the year. I didn't have the right, but I was afraid. 

That was the truth. I was afraid. 

I loved who I was. I liked having a girlfriend, not being trapped in a virtual reality, mastering my abilities, even fighting bad guys like Zero. It was all a part of my life I had come to accept, right along with getting used to the craziness of switching dimensions once or twice. 

I wouldn't want to be anyone else. And I was afraid of losing that. 

So as we stared at each other across the gap separating me from him, I noticed the very literal difference in our lives. He had made terrible decisions in his life, yes, but they weren't ones he controlled. This was him trying to start over and get his life back on track, Di-Men free. That meant possibly booting me out of this body, and out of existence. 

Was I ready for that?

I shuddered. I had the feeling Jay had access to all of my thoughts. Without a way to keep them private, I had to wait to think about the deep stuff.

"We need to merge," he said, as if I hadn't gotten the memo before. His voice bounced around the walls of my mind, assaulting me from all sides.

"No." One word. A world of meaning.

"Why?" 

"I don't know what that means," I said honestly. I didn't care to know, either.

Regardless, he answered with a brief explanation. "We'll become one person. Don't worry, it will be painless."

That was what he thought I was worried about? No. I was more concerned with not existing anymore.

"I'm not apprehensive about the pain. It's the aftermath that I'm worried about."

"What do you mean?"

I asked him an honest question. "Jay, if you had full control over this body, do you know what kind of person you would be?"

He looked down at the floor, glancing at his feet. "I wouldn't be anyone. I would follow orders, take the physical tests, go to school, live with my parents-"